The Fear Experienced by Loved Ones Left Ashore

[barnakiel]

If you beloved one worries, try to take them with you. And do not tell anything to the rest of the worriers, then they will not worry.

b.

[imagine2frolic]

I have to agree. It sounds like a whole lot of issues way before the sailing trip came up. I would think there was a little bit of guilt festering on the trip of a life time. If you had the gonads to tell her to go to hell. You should've at least had the gonads to enjoy the trip........i2f

[fareweather]

'Happy Wife, happy life'

Invest in her happiness and you reap the rewards ten fold. Its a no brainer

Like others have pointed out shouldn't "wife" be replaced with "spouse" Why wouldn't it be a two way street?

When I see my wife making efforts to make our marriage better I gain respect for her that can't be earned any other way. It is a partnership after all. Expecting someone to "make you happy" is an unfair burden to put on someone, the spouse can help but it really is a personal responsibility.

If I was presented an opportunity to do something that maybe is a once in a lifetime deal I can't imagine her saying no or vice versa. If the spouse did then maybe it's a big clue that a wrong decision was made.

[Vasco]

Interesting thread. Not being a relationship expert I have no advice or observations on the posts other than it's a lucky man who has a partner who supports and participates in his love of sailing.

Case in point, I'm in a boatyard getting my boat ready for winter cruising. There's a 40 footer next to me. We got to talking. He's on his own working on the boat. The boat has everything imaginable on it and he's doing more. He stores the boat eleven months a year. He can only persuade his wife to join him for four weeks sailing a year. So he gets the boat ready and sails four weeks a year. Actually I met him last year in the Bahamas. In his four weeks he zips over and back. He spends a few weeks improving the boat, I think he enjoys working on it. His wife comes down, they sail for four weeks and then it's back in the storage yard for another year.

He was quite envious when I said we do it six months a year. To each his own, he seemed happy and I'm sure he has a good relationship. I guess four weeks of sailing is better than no sailing at all.

[Tempest245]

I'll get in trouble here......

Men are from Mars...Women are from Venus
Men Marry for Love....Women Marry for Security...

expending precious resources ($) and risking life and limb on an Ocean threatens her sense of security...

one way to get a free pass...is to have a huge life insurance policy..and name her the sole beneficiary.....Spend as much money on the nest..as you do on the sail before you leave..

Tongue..in..cheek..

[bangkaboat]

Artisthos,
Tough one, how's the couch?

I just reverted back to plan A, which is sailing a boat to Asia, rather than shipping one there(long story). I don't recall asking my wife if I could go, though I asked her if she wanted to come along. I think that this is your wife's issue, you didn't give her the choice, then you spent money that she didn't benefit from. Sorry to hear that you didn't enjoy the trip. My brother's wife is much like you've described. That's why I didn't invite him, either. The last thing I'd want aboard is a mate who wasn't completely into the experience. Best of luck when you return.

[jdoe71]

OPs 2nd post. His wife is the bacon bringer homer. She has, IMHO, a hell of a lot of right to say how the money gets spent since she earned it. I may be old school, but if you're going to live off your spouses' income (sex of spouse is immaterial) then give respect were it is due. If that rubs wrong, tough, get a money making job and "fund" your jollies yourself.

Telling your spouse to "go to hell" and buggaring off on a jaunt like that just doesn't cut it with me, finances aside. OP is lucky he didn't come home to find he had moved out, permanently.

Sometimes, we have to put our own dreams aside to accommodate the needs of the people we, supposedly, love. It's not just about "me". That's how relationships work, and last.

[Fishman_Tx]

Yikes, I'd have to agree with most of that. All my crap would be in the camper and it moved to the farthest park a tank of gas would reach.

[Navicula]

at the end of the day, it will all work out...it always does, it doesnt matter who makes more money, what matters is they kiss and make up

[artisthos]

My wife likes to sail but does get seasick. I asked her to go but it was not really in the cards. Even the captain and sail master did not dig the 24/7. They enjoy a rousing good sail then into a quaint port, nice meal and long sleep. Me, I loved being out there on watch. I never wanted to go ashore. Shore always meant spending lots of money I never had. My crossing was really about leaving her and going out into alleged danger. It was the danger that freaked her out. She bought extra life insurance on me and insisted I attend Red Cross and Safety at Sea Courses. We interviewed six expert open water sailors and it always came back to, “Driving on the expressway is vastly more dangerous.” It was the “Unknown” that got her. Once I got back we had to get a sailboat. She wants a boat that can keep her dry. She wants it to be a family thing. I want to tell the story of my trip but the people left behind tell a bigger story. Sailing long distances is really just steady “Taking Care of Business.” I wish my wife wanted to go on a big adventure but visiting relatives and spending time with the family is tops on her list. The money I spent on the trip wasn’t that much. It was just the apparent danger that got to her, being unable to come to my rescue. If I fell off the roof or got hit by a train, at least she could be there right away. I enjoyed the trip and will spend lots of time enjoying painting the paintings, writing the book and making the movie. But the trip turned out to something else than expected. The five months of preparation was hell, the trip was a breeze. She has falling back in love with me as I have her. I feel it was really like two CEO’s fighting it out over a hostile takeover. Years later they are better friends with more respect but remember the battle scars. At 6 p.m. both sides of the isle leave it in the chamber and go have dinner together. Thanks for all the great posts.

[chris_gee]

Three points strike me. The original post was about the anxiety of those left behind. Some steps were taken to reduce that. Confidence in the planning boat and crew would help reduce it, but not eliminate it. Seeing the boat and crew in action in the likely conditions might help eliminate some of the more extreme fantasy scenarios. So would reporting back by text or radio relay if possible. Otherwise the fear needs to be expressed, acknowledged and finally dealt with by the person with it.
The other two points are somewhat related. The first is control. That might be a way of hopefully reducing anxiety, but neither party wants to be controlled. Perhaps responsible freedom while acknowledging there are two parties involved is better.
The second is communication. Very often people do not say what they actually mean in a way that is effective, indeed do the opposite. Quite often an attack is an expression of hurt or anxiety in the face of some threat. Having some anxiety actually means at least in part that one cares what happens. Having a need or desire to do something for oneself also does not mean that one does not care. Unfortunately good communication requires effort and skill from both parties. Go to hell and you B are probably quite normal when this breaks down, but can be translated into the underlying messages when cooler heads prevail.

[anglooff]

It would seem that you were able to have the experience with a more positive finale than expected. I am glad to hear it. Have a happy holiday together and don't buy her a Christmas present with any nautical connection at all. When she asked you what you want tell her slippers(even although you may desire a chartplotter card for the pacific)

Make sure she has a good 2010. 2009 gave you part of your dreams

Regards

Alan

[barnakiel]

I do not think much can be achieved in most cases. Some people are worriers, others are warriors. No matter how much you try to assure the worrier, they WILL worry. Perhaps even more so, if you try too hard.

I believe it may help to expose the worrier to the actual world and show them nothing is happening. But this was not possible according to the original post.

Psychology is all very wise, the problem is it does not work, most of the time. 'Worry is imagination misused'. The only way out is by removing the worrygen or distracting the worrier.

My two cents, from praxis.
b.

[Ex-Calif]

Originally Posted by anjou

'Happy Wife, happy life'

Invest in her happiness and you reap the rewards ten fold. Its a no brainer.

No wife could also equal happy life. No one is entitled to derive their happiness from someone else's efforts.

When a couple does achieve mutual happiness by mutual effort it is wonderful.

Originally Posted by Wotname

Who is responsible for another's happiness?

Each is responsible for their own state of mind (and therefore happiness).

+1

Originally Posted by Not Sure

That is why you see older couples who argue with each other like cats and dogs.....all the time.

"older couples who argue" yes.

Really old couples give up arguing and then just sit in the park feeding pigeons - LOL

Originally Posted by artisthos

It was the danger that freaked her out. She bought extra life insurance on me and insisted I attend Red Cross and Safety at Sea Courses.

She really cares about you and you are lucky. She is also practical hence the insurance and you are still lucky.

Originally Posted by artisthos

She wants a boat that can keep her dry. She wants it to be a family thing.

<snip>

I wish my wife wanted to go on a big adventure but visiting relatives and spending time with the family is tops on her list.

That's a really good start. Sailing is not out of the question!

And wanting the family time is great!

Originally Posted by artisthos

She has falling back in love with me as I have her. I feel it was really like two CEO’s fighting it out over a hostile takeover. Years later they are better friends with more respect but remember the battle scars. At 6 p.m. both sides of the isle leave it in the chamber and go have dinner together. Thanks for all the great posts.

You did your adventure and that's great. You obviously didn't see eye to eye over it but in my humble opinion, unless this was a crazy left turn that she had never heard about she owed it to you to be supportive.

If she had a lifelong dream to climb Everest and you stopped her, you would be in the wrong.

If no one knows their mates hopes and dreams and are not supportive then there is a real communication problem.

Now in cynic mode - A woman marries a man confident that he will change after marriage. A man marries a woman hoping she never does.

BTW - I like your avatar - very salty!

[Chief Engineer]

Upon further review...It looks like you have someone who really loves you.....
My opinion...for whatever it may be worth....is to do whatever it takes to assuage her fears.......

I have rock climbed, done a few ice climbs to a few peaks, vertical caved a lot and sailed offshore and worked on Tugs (nothing like a cold windy icy-sleet night and making up to dredge equipment)....Mom was ALWAYS apprehensive as was my SO...
When they asked me what I wanted for X-Mas I said a Mustang Jacket and as set of SOSpenders (for the summer).

You may also want to go on what we called a "Bomb Run"......get her on the boat
sail 12 hours out and turn around