Dealing with parents disagreement

[LittleWing77]

Hi Andrada,

If you'd like to read a cool blog about someone who has already done what you're going to do:

Dinghy Dreams – Road to the Sea

You'll note that Emily's latest post talks about a big storm coming "that I didn't want to write about anywhere on the internet so my parents won't worry".

And Emily is 26 and has been living aboard for years.

Your parents love you and they are bound to worry about you - but keep on with your plans. Try your best to help them understand, but don't get your knickers in a twist if they don't. A lot of people don't "get" sailing and the pull of sailing life.

p.s. Make sure you learn as much - or more - about sailing as your boyfriend. Unfortunately, the marine world is still male-dominated and the default is that the man on any boat is the one who knows everything and the woman is just along as a cook. Prove them wrong! and press on regardless!

Good luck,
LittleWing77

[valhalla360]

Originally Posted by MIRELOS

life is but a path, you make your own path as you go along.....enjoy life

Very true but it's also a lot easier path if you don't burn the bridges along your path before you cross them.

Not saying to bow down to any and every wish of the family but at least considering their concerns with an open mind is smart.

[valhalla360]

Originally Posted by Sailshabby

What makes you think you’re wrong and your parents and grandparents are right?

The point wasn't that the family is automatically correct but that they might have insights an 18yr old (guessing based on the post) probably doesn't and those should be considered.

If she hears them out and works through their concerns, she may decide it's still a great idea or she may realize it's a horrible idea. You can learn through the school of hard knocks but it's a lot less painful to learn from others.

[Captn_Black]

Originally Posted by LittleWing77

p.s. Make sure you learn as much - or more - about sailing as your boyfriend. Unfortunately, the marine world is still male-dominated and the default is that the man on any boat is the one who knows everything and the woman is just along as a cook. Prove them wrong! and press on regardless!

Nah, I'm the cook (I was a chef many years ago), she washes up, we're both happy with the deal

[Franziska]

Same here, Lady Captain and Master Chef :-)
We also have a general rule, if you cook you are not doing the dishes. Still we help each other if we had friends onboard.

Originally Posted by Captn_Black

Nah, I'm the cook (I was a chef many years ago), she washes up, we're both happy with the deal

[Captn_Black]

Originally Posted by Franziska

Same here, Lady Captain and Master Chef :-)
We also have a general rule, if you cook you are not doing the dishes. Still we help each other if we had friends onboard.

It's a fair deal :P
My gf is the Quartermaster, as she holds the purse strings. First Mate wouldn't really be correct, as she's not subordinate to me, except at sea, and not much of a navigator. I am slowly teaching her though, but our focus is on renovation for now.

[oceanshoretiga]

Hi Andrade, welcome to the Forum and thank you for posting a very interesting and serious question. Lots of oldies on this Forum and many of us will be in the ‘shoes’ similar to your parents: Ah, what is my child doing. Building trust is obvious but your own skills and confidence are crucial. You’ve had lots of advice in the 5 pages of posts so lots for you to consider. I won’t repeat it all.

But, let me emphasise that you should also do the sailing qualifications so that you are independent but also to show your family both commitment and skill.

Our daughter not only did her university qualifications but did thousands of miles in tall ships as crew. But, the first time she went to an international job on a tall ship we had to trust her and stay connected, stay in touch. She works on land but has done ocean passages, including with me, and charts her own course.

Show your family some of the posts on this Forum and enjoy your yachting plan.

By the way, your English is very good. I wish you good sailing. Cheers, Jim

[joelhemington]

Originally Posted by Andrada_123

I never said they were wrong and I was right. But I didn't expect them to reject everything I had to say. At first I tried to explain, they said "ok, we understand" and when the subject came up again "god took your mind, how can you do this, you are out of your mind". I didn't thought they will be overjoyed with the idea. I just wanted them to at least be curious and think about what I want, not reject everything

We Americans have a saying; Life Happens. If you don't follow your dreams here, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. If it doesn't work out you'll probably regret it for a couple of years, max.

That said, there are a lot of unanswered questions here. How big of a boat are you looking at? Realistically, you'll need something that can accommodate two couples for longer voyages. While a 26'er won't get it, a 34' pocket cruiser would be fine (and could take you anywhere) I hear that your part of the Med has some good deals on boats. The charter idea sounds iffy at best unless you're both rich enough to afford that kind of boat (I'm guessing you're not). All used boats you find will need something updated. The popular opinion here is to buy a cheap starter boat to decide if you like the lifestyle (which frankly tends to suck on these little boats) Rather than dropping a bunch of money upgrading something you plan on getting rid of (you'll never get your money back) focus on a boat that will serve your needs for the foreseeable future. The money you spend upgrading that one will never be recouped either but at least you get to enjoy it for awhile. With the advances in internet coverage there's no reason for you to quit your jobs and you'll find that living on a sailboat can be quite cheap once you have it all kitted out.

We have another saying here; OPB (other peoples boats) The number one reason couples don't keep sailing is that one of them is prone to seasickness (make sure your're not as it's a crappy way to live) Find someone willing to take you both out for a weekend and see if you even like it. The more of these trips you take, the better you'll understand which type of boat suits you within your budget.

PS; your English is much better than our Romanian

[boatman61]

One thing that has amused me all my life is the way family and friends disapprove and find flaws in every ambition/dream I have entertained..
"We will miss you, you will be to far away, its too dangerous, you'll never manage..."
The funny thing is when it comes to things they want to do its done without consultation or approval.. and none of the arguments counts
"Suck it up we're outa here.!!!"
I would suggest buy the boat and keep it local while you get all the certification and sea time you'll need to run a charter vessel then get jobs with Sunsail or some other charter company to find out whats involved and if you would like the lifestyle.. its really very hard work and not the G&T lifestyle many seem to fantasies about.
Also it gives your folks time to visit, eat and be entertained on board and see how civilised the cruising life can be..

[Sea Dreaming]

When you are young and just starting out it is normal to discus everything with your parents. But being an adult means taking responsibility for yourself.

This means you stop asking your parents for permission and their opinion. You acccept that they might not like what you choose to do. They are adults and can manage their own feelings. It is not up to you to try to make them be happy. They were managing their own happiness ling before you came along.

So you say "Mom and Dad, I know you disagree with me about this. I love you. I hope that you can choose to be supportive of me taking on this adveture. Yes, I might fail at this but I am going to suceed at life anyway. This is just one step in many to come."

[wsmurdoch]

From another 69 year old man...

Another book that might be of interest is Orca, by John Pennington. John, a surfer, and Kara, a daughter of a minister, sail away. They dealt with similar parent problems. You might find something to learn there.

Read the Amazon reviews https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00K1OHL9S...ng=UTF8&btkr=1 and see if it fits with your case. The book is available lots of places https://www.bookfinder.com/search/?a...26title%3Dorca .

They also have a blog Orca's Log: April 2010

[waterman46]

Originally Posted by LakeSuperior

I think you may have spoiled your parents by continually caving into their wishes in the past else they wouldn't persist in trying to interfere with your life.

Once into adulthood, over the age of 18, your parents should weigh in unsolicited only one time. After that it is your self respect that should stop the conversation. It is their job to support your decisions.

Exactly right. But did you ever give us the ages of you and your friend? I would have been very alarmed if my daughter wanted to run away on a boat when she was 16, but after 18, well, you are an adult and you have the right to do what you want. As long as it doesn't cost your parents any money!

[Andrada_123]

Originally Posted by waterman46

Exactly right. But did you ever give us the ages of you and your friend? I would have been very alarmed if my daughter wanted to run away on a boat when she was 16, but after 18, well, you are an adult and you have the right to do what you want. As long as it doesn't cost your parents any money!

Regarding our age: I am 25 (and working in graphic design) and he's 30 (an AutoCAD draftsman and CNC operating man). I left home for college when I was 18 and supported myself by scholarship (80% of the time). Buying the boat doesn't cost my parents or his any money. Basically I wanted them to be part of my journey, they don't have to contribute with anything, just good thoughts.

Everytime something didn't gone as we (my mom and I) said initially, she was throwing a tantrum on me " I don't thing you are going to keep your word, I don't trust you". The example is that I pushed back my licence exam for 3 months because my presentation wasn't looking the way I wanted and I wanted a litter more time to look even better. All this time she said to me "I don't think you are going to take your licence in fall. You are fooling me" and when I took my exam and said to her what she said all this time; her answer was "oh c'mon I was just saying.. It wasn't true". ( A little inside on our relationship).

And about the boyfriend, we have been living together for 2 years, the primary reason she doesn't like him (said 5 min after she meet him for the first time) because he didn't finished college, and somehow in her mind she thinks he is going to leave me in Croatia (that's where the boat is located and we want to go there to see and buy it). it gives me 404 error because I can't understand where this idea of me being left there came from.

[NorthernMac]

Been living on my own and as a autonomous adult since I was 18, working, paying my own rent, dealing with schools, later careers, etc, based on my childhood history my parents always trusted my judgement, even more so as the years have gone by. They would make it known if they didn’t approve of something, but it was a civil conversation with them always having my back regardless of the outcome.

How long have you lived at home?

[Andrada_123]

Originally Posted by NorthernMac

Been living on my own and as a autonomous adult since I was 18, based on my childhood history my parents always trusted my judgement, even more so as the years have gone by. They would make it known if they didn’t approve of something, but it was a civil conversation with them always having my back regardless of the outcome.

How long have you lived at home?

I lived with them until I was 18. After that only visiting. Lived in the dorms for 4 (which I paid for myself) then moved with my boyfriend and we lived together ever since. All of this happening 100km away from my hometown. Everything was good until I started to take decisions on my own, because I realized that I don't need approval from my parents everytime I want to cross the road. Some people here (people from the other side of the Earth, literally) said that they are spoiled, some of my friends said that too.
I don't want to fight and mess things up with them. I was suggested to make them watch movies and YouTube channels. That's what I'm going to do next time we meet.

And I'm very grateful for all the answers and opinions. Thank you all