Dealing with parents disagreement

[wsmurdoch]

Another Romanian who has gone before you is a rather famous sailor.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimmy_Cornell
https://cornellsailing.com/authors/jimmy-cornell/

[BobMc]

How old are you? If you're old enough to be on your own and living with a boyfriend, why are you letting your parents/grandparents make your decisions for you?

It's one thing to be aware of the need to get experience with any new endeavor and quite another to let other people tell you what to do!

Originally Posted by Andrada_123

Hi everyone!

My boyfriend and I will buy a boat really soon and move on it. He is now taking the sailing classes (required in out country if you want to sail a boat over 22.9 feet) so he is kinda inexperienced (but learning) and so am I..my mother and grandmother are freaked out.. literally.. and it's a very big scandal over and over again.
Thank you

[piloto]

Originally Posted by Chotu

Strangest thing, isn't it? The hostility is what we really had a hard time understanding. You do your own thing, not affecting these people in the least, and they find every reason in the world to rake you over the coals.

Literally anyone can do this. But for some reason people get upset when you actually do.

I wish we of these people who hate new cruisers and liveaboards would post on here. I still can't understand why they are so hateful. Lost literally every friend.

Family stuck around long term but relations are strained because it does involve a lot of time away.

Many people crave and depend on conditional uniformity and somehow feel threatened when others engage in what they consider risky or different (read out of box unconventional) life choices. Most sailors, I speculate, choose adventure and challenge as a means of opening themselves to new experiences and a stimulating life. Feeling threatened and abandoned morphs into resentment bolstered by separation. Good to see folks still choosing to live and enjoy the now as opposed to huddling behind the bulwarks of a “conventional “ life. Rather like finding the spark of life in the yet to unfold developing day.

[Augi]

Originally Posted by fivecapes

If you decide to take the road less travelled by, make sure you have an exit strategy (a backup plan and a strict time table that you will adhere to, both of which you will share with your parents).

If Andrada and her boyfriend can actually work from the boat and maintain their careers and income for 1-2 years as she is suggesting to get sailing experience in and around Croatia, I don't think this is any different than if the boyfriend bought a small condo in Croatia and they decided to move there together.

It is entirely possible that living on a boat does not work out, and / or the relationship ends. If so, I don't see a big downside as long as the first paragraph is true and a see a lot of upside. Even if they can no longer work for the same companies or clients in Romania and even if each of them getting work in Croatia is somewhat speculative, I don't see a big downside.

I think Andrada at a certain point(probably already past), ought to stop asking for her parents approval on this move or anything else for that matter. Continue to be respectful provide a lot of info about your plans, keep communication open and do your own thing. Probably, hopefully, the parents will come around. If not so be it.

My only advice is think through everything carefully, then think it through again. Know you are not taking the easier path. Of course as much as possible have a plan B if it all blows up. If possible take baby steps, like spend as long a vacation as possible living on the boat before pulling the trigger on the adventure.

The good thing about being based in Croatia (as long as COVID-19 is finished), is the entire coast of Croatia is a huge charter base. Worst case there will be work doing maintenance, cleaning boats, doing office work for a charter company or etc. They can get into the charter game slowly by skippering for bare boat charterers that need / want a skipper for $200-$300 a day.

I don't see a problem based on what we know as long as the relationship and the boyfriend are reasonably solid. In fact I see a lot of upside.

[kmacdonald]

You'll put your eye out!

Just kidding. Do what YOU want. Some people think life on this planet is a trial run for something bigger-----it's not. Live it your way.

[erie]

Originally Posted by S/V Illusion

What makes you think you are correct and your parents and grandparents are wrong?

If we always listen to our parents we would be doing what they want us to do.
Live your life or their life.....I'm all about getting opinions and advice but I Am the one that has to make the final decision......It's called life....

[lppratt]

Always impressed with the wisdom of the CF colleagues. Excellent advice and recommendations. As the father of a 20 year old woman, and the son of a european mother (I was born and raised in the U.S.), I believe I see all the major angles you are facing here.
Valhalla360s question list is an excellent one, but taking his questions and breaking them down by party might be helpful.
Personal angle:
First, you have no idea what you are getting into (yet). And that is FINE, you have a cool dream you want to pursue, but you should learn a lot more about what your dream entails in practical terms. The Project Atticus recommendation from MVWeebles is an excellent one. If you watch all those videos and say "wow, that is for me"- then it may be. But this is step-by-step thing, even if the steps go quickly.

Parent angle (from a dad's perspective):
Valid important concerns:
1) your personal safety. This is alleviated with training and experience. Note, they know you have no idea what you are doing (yet). To "normal people", people who sail put their lives at risk every day - riskiest thing in boating is driving your car to your boat. But with your current level of knowledge, there are some legitimate safety concerns. Look at noonsite to see how many "pirate incidents" there have been in Black Sea, Croatia, Turkey, Greece. (pretty much nothing)

2) Are you doing this because it is what you want in YOUR heart and mind for the next few years of your life, or are you doing it for "the guy" - is this your dream or are you tagging along on someone else's? You said he is training - are you? - if not, why not? at then of this your BF has serious learning and even some credentials - and you?). If the relationship does not work out (a boat will test a relationship, and a boat business more), where do you stand? No regrets.

3) if you are still dependent on them (for housing and other support), they should be concerned that you might not have the financial means or life experience needed for a pretty drastic jump. You should not be asking them for financial support for this - if your dream, it is your dream.

Interesting concerns they should raise for discussion, and you should understand and perhaps discuss (but NOT JUSTIFY).
1) job/career issues. If you are Romanian, think of what your parents came through - their dream was for you to have a decent well-paid job in a functional society, and they must have worked very hard to get there. They may feel like you are "throwing that away". A job where you can work from wherever you want is totally alien to almost everyone in the world. I suggest you explain they did their job so well that you can now take your job with you.
2) Expense. Are you going to be coming back to us to support your dream or still remain reliant on us? Possible response: think of boat as your new apartment?
3) The guy (see the various comments in the thread and mine above). Independent of whether he is a great guy or not, I repeat my point - is this your dream also, independent of the guy? "Shared dreams" are not common. If you broke up tomorrow, would you still want to go down this path? Or are you sacrificing your own (different) adventures? Because once you get older and have kids, adventure is defined very differently, you do not want to have regrets about NOT following your sailing adventure dream, but you also do not want to have regrets that you followed this dream at the cost of another that may be more important to you.

Hope this helps. Good luck with your plans and adventures! No matter what, be adventurous.

[ELC]

Sounds like us 30 years ago! Both families convinced we were crazy. Thought it was dangerous. Then they decided it was a fad we'd outgrow. Well, they were wrong! We've done fine. Weathered more hurricanes aboard than I'd of preferred but compared to all the drama we have watched dirt siders go through glad we did it.

Go slow, learn the skills and keep going. If you can handle charterers my hats off to you. I learned early they will drive you crazy and are hard on the boat.

Be flexible about what you are willing to do for work, it's out there.

Good luck!

[slug]

When you are young you have no career and limited earning power

Hence The best time to do “ dumb “ stuff is when the consequences and cost of failure are limited

Go for it

Be responsible ......no begging , dope smuggling and whatnot to pay for your lifestyle

[Hofmeyr12]

You seem very obligated to your mother; is this part cultural and was yours a single parent family? Those, specially a single mom and daughter can be very intense and the love usually pretty guilt-based. On the whole you (and your boyfriend) seem to be pretty sorted young adults with good jobs and an open mind towards owning what you dont know. (speaking as a parent) Your mum wont stop making you feel guilty about leaving her, SO DO IT. some people here expressed concerns about your boyfriend relationship but I don't see any problem because you two sensibly are planning to stay in Croatia whilst living on the boat for a solid period before casting off; this time will sort out all experience and relationship issues and hopefully that includes your relationship with your mother too.. As for the rest; go buy that boat; close your ears to your mother's poison and invite her for a sail some time after. She will eventually concede

[seabum]

These are old fears and old ways of perceiving the world that you are up against. If you feel strongly about your path, then do it. You will feel much better about following your heart than following someone else's rules. I do not believe you can be truly happy following someone else's directives, even, or especially, of parents. This is your life. Live it your way. You can still love and respect your parents. Respecting someone does NOT require you to do what they want. I have experienced MANY unhappy, resentful people who did as they were told and they live their lives angry inside and taking it out on others. What is the worst that can happen? You can always change your course depending on circumstances. It is only in this way that you learn to be discerning, flexible, intuitive, and creative because you are listening to yourself and steering your own boat.

[Gingersnap]

Parents may have some fears of their own. My mother had a profound fear of water and drowning, which she added on piracy and cargo mishaps. Her former husband was an avid fisherman for deep seas. She went out once and saw huge waves on both sides of the fishing trawler. She replayed this over and over. I never met him but I got his water bug that she tried to remove me from..

As married couple with careers,, we learned sailing and maintenance over time. We shared with my
Mother these experiences and devices and tricks from Safety at sea course that will keep us safer. We still could not get my mother to come for a short motor drive up the harbor and back. She prayed every time we dare to go out and paced the floors and called. 30 years later she continued. On the other hand, my husband has a family with long nautical and naval history and they applaud us for our sailing excursions - most of which are in the SF bay. As his parents got older, his father loved hearing any mishaps and places we went but his mother got more fearful when we took dad (79) out for a short sailing trip up the harbor. He was so thrilled to use
the tiller as a “captain” and got perturbed with his wife of 50 years together for making me call her about his safety. He said “oh for crying out loud”. He couldn’t stop talking about his fun time out with us. His eyes lit up with life.

Before our parents passed, we shared our dream to live aboard as our retirement. Both sets of parents were up in arms. Yet after selling our home, we learned how to manage tight spaces and fewer things in our 36 ft sailboat. Our adults kids in their 40’s chose not to have kids and they moved on with a life of their own in distant lands. No they didn’t take up sailing. It is snowboarding or horseback riding. Now there is something I feared because I never tried it. If accidents happen, it is a life lesson for them, not me.

Now I will admit we are becoming “fair” weather sailors, for sure. We see these younguns go out and sail without proper boat maintenance, sailing gears or skills and still have fun in crazy winds like we used to..... but look at us at our age (60-70), we are more cautious not to overdo our bodies in any weather elements and to protect our “home” sailboat from any mishaps and we even choose weekdays, not weekends, when we have the whole bay to ourselves without running into crazy fun sailors who forget the rules of the road at times.. I foresee if our bones get crepit and we lose our balance, we may have to go back to landlubber side and find an Apartment near the waters and maybe beg for a ride by being friends with new sailors?

Just take it one day at a time. Some parents will “hold on” like my mother and some will “let go” like my father in law. Many good advice on this thread and I hope our experiences of a lifetime help some.

[Matay]

Father’s day approaching.
Buy for him the book “Maiden Voyage” of Tania Aebi.
This may help

[sailorladd]

I was 21 when I announced to my family that I was going to build a boat and sail around the world.... they reacted pretty much like your family but I REALLY wanted to do this and that's all that matters... if something is important to you (and your husband) then the family needs to know this and they will be the proudest when you have accomplished this, as were my family Good luck!

[lestersails]

Originally Posted by Andrada_123

Every time something didn't go as we (my mom and I) said initially, she was throwing a tantrum on me " I don't thing you are going to keep your word, I don't trust you". The example is that I pushed back my licence exam for 3 months because my presentation wasn't looking the way I wanted and I wanted a litter more time to look even better. All this time she said to me "I don't think you are going to take your licence in fall. You are fooling me" and when I took my exam and said to her what she said all this time; her answer was "oh c'mon I was just saying.. It wasn't true". ( A little inside on our relationship).

I certainly am no family therapist and it goes without saying that there are (almost) always two sides to every story. But based on this, a few years on your own at sea might not only not be a bad idea, it might be essential for your peace of mind and establishing your independence. Prepare like crazy but do it!