Gender roles in sailing and cruising

[Vivienne-Claire]

Our boat is 64/64. So I have to kill him if I want the boat.

[rgranger]

Originally Posted by boatpoker

The only thing I'm not allowed to do is laundry .... cause everything turns out pink....

My father taught me that trick. First thing I did when I got married was wash all the whites with a brand new red T-shirt.

[OutcastCrew]

It was only by having clear, and palletable gender roles that my wife was able to sell her paid for home, and 95% of her material possessions, to follow this dream of mine; and, which has continued to foster a powerful, passionate, and wonderful satisfying, and successful marriage.

We actually did a podcast episode on this very subject.

This is not JUST for sailing and cruising, but for anyone who wants to improve the connection between each other, particularly in stressful situations.

Forgive the first few minutes of bantering. We do this for our regular, loyal listeners.

I hope you find the tremendous value the we, and others have found in it.

Click the link below.

https://www.amazingliving.net/single-post/2016/07/15/Episode-005-Its-Just-How-We-Roll

[NackCouple]

This is fascinating. We just sold our small sailboat and bought a bigger one we can travel on long distance. My husband and I struggle with this because I sailed quite a bit as a teenager so I have more experience technically (although it was a long time ago) but he knows more about engines and the electronics and such. We will share the responsibilities now until we carve out the "best" way to do things for us. We have both spent the last five years educating ourselves slowly (in a classroom) how to boat safely, along with taking trips and testing out our skills.

All that being said, I haven't seen any women in charge on a boat. All the women I see don't have any significant responsibilities on the boat and don't really want any responsibility. I can't wait to meet you strong women out there. You know how you never forget how to ride a bike? Sailing is just like that and I have a certain feel for it that my husband does not. Anyway, I'm following this and look forward to meeting some more sailing couples who have found a balance.

Leslie
Some of my sailing experience is detailed in my book Fourteen, A Daughter's Memoir of Adventure, Sailing and Survival, which was published 2015.

[Exile]

Originally Posted by Vivienne-Claire

Our boat is 64/64. So I have to kill him if I want the boat.

Now there's an example of "equality" that's as good as any I've seen on these threads.

[fatherchronica]

In our case the desire, the dream, was entirely mine. I am the man in a heterosexual 40 plus year union. I owned a 50 year old wooden double ended engineless ketch when we met. Over the years we owned several other, mostly racing boats, that we did not race, we spent weeks at a time at Californias Channel Islands, and chartered a couple times in the Caribbean. But it was still my dream to go cruising. We have 8mm movies of me paddling a sheet metal kayak in Big Bear Lake by myself when I was almost 3. We owned a 36 foot cabin cruiser in my youth that we went to Catalina on many many times. I began dreaming of a sailboat cruise when my grampa gave me Peter Freuchens Book of the 7 Seas when I was in 5 th grade. I read sailing books prolifically all my life. My wife has listened to 3 sailing books on tape and read none. She loved cruising when we went, but I was always the sailor, and she only wanted to be crew. Just luck of the draw what you want to do. She has been a pretty good shipmate so far. I always explain in detail what we are going to do before we do it, and try to figure out what may happen that would modify that plan and explain what we will do then, and so far the only yelling I ever do is if it is too noisy to hear me or their is great sealife or something to see. Decisions about where we go, what we do, are all mutual though. I sometimes have wished she were more involved in some ways, but she is not, so that is that.

[Exile]

Originally Posted by NackCouple

This is fascinating. We just sold our small sailboat and bought a bigger one we can travel on long distance. My husband and I struggle with this because I sailed quite a bit as a teenager so I have more experience technically (although it was a long time ago) but he knows more about engines and the electronics and such. We will share the responsibilities now until we carve out the "best" way to do things for us. We have both spent the last five years educating ourselves slowly (in a classroom) how to boat safely, along with taking trips and testing out our skills.

All that being said, I haven't seen any women in charge on a boat. All the women I see don't have any significant responsibilities on the boat and don't really want any responsibility. I can't wait to meet you strong women out there. You know how you never forget how to ride a bike? Sailing is just like that and I have a certain feel for it that my husband does not. Anyway, I'm following this and look forward to meeting some more sailing couples who have found a balance.

Leslie
Some of my sailing experience is detailed in my book Fourteen, A Daughter's Memoir of Adventure, Sailing and Survival, which was published 2015.

Even with experienced crew, it seems rare that everyone onboard is equally adept or interested in the myriad of tasks involved in operating & maintaining a large cruising boat. Hopefully there's a healthy amount of overlap, especially when it comes to more routine stuff. But I see the sort of division of responsibilities you describe as beneficial. Might even be fair to say that, in couples scenarios, more of the men take the lead when it comes to dealing with engines & electronics than the women. Not because men are inherently more adept, but because they're often more interested in those areas it seems and so become more adept. Uh-oh, is that sexist?

Given the disparity that favors your sailing experience & intuition, you may not decide as a couple that your husband has the final say when he happens to be behind the helm. While that may work for couples with equivalent sailing experience & skills, it may not be the best approach until/unless your husband develops more parity. There is no preordained script just because some may have a more stereotypical view of what they consider "equal."

[paula_k]

He bought and paid for his boat and I bought and paid for my boat. He is the captain on his boat and I am the captain on my boat. He likes his trawler, I like my sailboat. We share our abilities and experience on both boats. To help shore crew when we are on my boat he wears a t-shirt that say's "Not My Boat"! Pretty much takes care of that!

[OutcastCrew]

NackCouple,

I cannot recommend Nick O Kelly’s book, Getting Her On Board, enough.

Better yet, listen to the Audio version, on Audible.

This should be a MUST for every cruising couple.

[Jennyol]

I am a female skipper of a boat jointly owned by my husband and I. I am the driving force behind the fact that we have a boat and go cruising. His experience of sailing is much less than mine and he is not interested in the responsibility of being the decision maker. We sail two handed and share watches but he will check with me before reefing, changing course or if he is unsure about anything. He has taken the boat out occasionally without me on board for practical reasons but this wouldn’t be his preference.
Both of us run into minor irritating situations around gender expectations, but I think it is harder for him in a way. I am used to ignoring guys who started sailing a year or two ago trying to tell me how to handle my boat, I have run into it all my life. He is used to being a professional and having people value his opinion and expertise but as the male crew to a female skipper, he is not treated with any respect.

[lestersails]

Originally Posted by Mike OReilly

Any cruising male friends who tried to pull this “I am the Captain” silliness would soon find themselves sailing by themselves. Come to think of it, this might explain the number of solo male sailors/cruisers. Hmmmmm .

Highlight of the thread for me! Leadership requires more restraint than assertions of authority. And actually leading. I would never say "Because I am the captain" - that is just peacocking. What I try instead is to do my damndest to avoid troubles (which few notice), and then in the rare cases when something serious is happening, calmly, but firmly do what needs to be done.
And if someone else is competently leading, I will follow. Gender roles be damned. My wife, who is definitely in the novel reading, cooking, sunbathing domain of boaters generally, asserted real leadership, when I hesitated after a forestay parted. As the mast was slowly tilting aft she barked "grab that rope and hook it up front" (not being into sailing terminology, but referring to the jib halyard). I knew immediately she was right and did what she said. Leadership is leadership. It is not "men" or "captains".

[gatorman49]

Easy solution. Get her cap and shirt that says "captain" and him a cap and shirt that says "mate." Or, you could stop by the pier at Daytona Beach and get a set of "master/slave" t-shirts thus avoiding a custom order.

Originally Posted by Hobiehobie

Have two friends who are a male/female couple who were professional crew on a 125' motor yacht. At the dock the guy was nearly always addressed as Captain, and questions and explanations aimed at him.

He would consistently explain that his partner was the Captain and he was First Mate. A few enlightened souls would switch their attention to the Captain, but many more would/could not. Some even would not believe that the guy could not be senior in the Captain crew relationship and would laugh at the situation.

Situation is getting better in some places, but as a whole there is a long way to go.

I am half of a male couple crew, so don't face that kind of presumption.

[roscheetham]

My husband and I are sailing around the world. We are joint owners of our boat, I am the skipper and he is first mate and chief engineer. The roles are not based on traditional gender roles but on what our best skill sets are, so while we can both do everything, we have evolved to a place where we do the jobs that best fit our competencies. Regrettably many boats have a more “traditional” set up - for example man on the helm and woman struggling with heavy anchoring gear, with a lot of shouting to boot. However, much as I am a feminist, many of the lovely women that I meet out there don’t seem to want the lead role. I don’t know why as most a completely competent to do it. If you are sailing with a partner I recommend having a frank talk about what roles each of you should fulfill (I go up the mast for example as my husband hates heights) and find a recipe that works for you, irrespective of what the sailing world might seem to expect.

[john61ct]

There are plenty of men too that don't want a "lead role" in many of their various contexts.

There are some arenas where I do, others I don't.

Just got offered to buy out a partner in a very lucrative business where the work is a piece of cake for me. Turned it over to a hungry guy I know always on the hustle, in exchange for him giving me all the work I want at a nice hourly rate.

Just don't want the extra hassles and great responsibilities of being in charge, **in that situation**.

Not a weakness, just a choice.

Lifestyles are the same, "up to you", don't let others' value judgments affect you, forget about that crazy "work ethic" nonsense causes people to use words like "lazy", forget about "both sexes should share everything equally", nonsense we are all individuals.

Make your own choices, the best definition of success for me, is the Freedom to live your life the way you want to.

[dcorbert]

I'm a single hander,so am always the captain, but if there's a lady out there that can fix the toilet, the engine & go hassle with all the bureaucrats in the Western Caribbean when it comes to checking in & out, I'll happily cede my spot & cook & wash dishes!