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sailgirl1 · 11-05-2010, 21:17

When I met my husband he wanted to live aboard. I am very adventurous & it took time for me to, "Wrap my brain around it." It seems that about the time I finally did, he decided he didn't want to do it anymore.

We have been married almost 9 yrs. now & have a 6 yr. old daughter. Through the years of ups & downs of marriage and having a kiddo, I really think he is just afraid.

I am ready to put the house on the market, sell it all and go! Now he says he thinks he wants to work for awhile longer.

I'm not sure how to help him move beyond this point. There is a big part of me that is ready to go now & hope he'll catch up sooner than later. I know that sounds like I am not being a good partner. I'm frustrated!

Stillraining · 11-05-2010, 21:42

Quote:

Originally Posted by FreeWilly

I would hate for my own anxieties to ruin this for her and her father.
FW

Hey Free...I have no grand story to share with you and no fist hand cruising experience of selling all and slipping the lines.

But I just want to give you one thing to think about.

Sit down and make a list of EVERY single thing you were afraid to do and which caused you major stress but once you did it , you said , Hey that was fun!...and you did it again.

We all have many of those moments in ours lives....rather its diving off a high diving board, boarding your first chair lift, dating that cute guy for the first time, trying out for that 1st school play or parallel parking the car for your drivers exam.

List them out....these are your ghosts and boogie men that you have already slain and overcome in your life....These are part of what makes up your individual character and has helped shape who you have become.

Your new fear is no different then your last one....you just haven't walked through it yet to the other side to be able to say...."Hey that was fun!"

Carry on...

mintyspilot · 12-05-2010, 00:59

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mariness

This is an excellent point, something I forgot. Seems like just about every time I bring up a concern, it turns out my husband either has the same concern, or has already found a solution. He just didn't want to mention it, because he didn't want to make me worry!

Women often accuse us men of keeping things to ourselves. And we often do - for the reason Mariness said: we do not like to cause our womenfolk to worry.

C'mon - us blokes find women difficult enough to deal with without causing them to panic!!!

**Boracay** · 12-05-2010, 01:36

I heard/read/thought a long time ago that lists can be intimidating and quite negative so aside from when I go shopping I don't have one. I do do project plans, projections, budgets etc. to make sure what I'm doing is feasible though.

In the old days it was said to be good to keep a diary, but I never got into the habit. I do keep a project book in which I keep all my notes, measurements, calculations and so forth.

I also have a blog, link in my signature line.

If you do keep a blog don't tell the rels until you've actually left...

Fast Forward · 12-05-2010, 01:58

I agree with everything above:

- your anxieties are totally normal (you've lived on land for nearly 50 years, of course you're going to just about have a panic attack at the thought of living on a floating object, with a child!!!!)

I have been living on Fast Forward for 8 years now and when we left South Africa I did not have a much of a clue about sailing or the boat (ignorance is bliss!!!) (granted, Ken is a very experienced sailor with more than 20 years experience, including racing, under his belt) - so I had that total and utter trust... BUT when I got to the Caribbean and I wisened up and realised the dangers I too started having huge anxiety attacks before we'd leave on a trip (even if it was an overnighter). I know I was being silly as nothing was going to happen, but that fear still gripped my stomach!!! It was awful. My solution was to simply get more involved.... in all aspects of navigation, sail trimming, etc and I gained a lot of confidence.

- a lot of my anxiety was "weather" based, but with you being in th Caribbean, there are excellent weather reports available. Have you got a good anchor? We recommend a Rocna - best anchor we've ever had!! Your distances are not too great in the Caribbean so there's no real reason to get too stressed about night passages - have your radar on (it's our 3rd crew) - very reassuring, although does not pick up wooden boats. Check the forcast, if you're not happy - then wait. Do short trips to build your confidence. It's a hell of a lifestyle change - at any age!!! I know people (aged 60+) who've just bought a boat - with no experience - and have crossed oceans!!!! You CAN do it if you really want to.

- hitting rocks: don't get so such shallow waters!! Hitting coral is easier - but keep your eyes open, wear polarised sunglasses, navigate when the sun is behind you, and have good charts. Using PC charts are great because you can plot your track so that IF something does happen or IF you need to leave in the dark, you can simply follow your track out (yes, it's hairy - but with 2 pairs of eyes and a zillion candle power spotlight it's easy. Yachts don't hit containers everyday either so don't let that freak you out either. You have a liferaft.... always remember TO STEP UP INTO IT!!!

- you need to chill and stop telling people you are leaving - do that the day before, or better yet, call them from offshore!!

- stop looking at scary movies about yachting/boating - it honestly is not that bad. In 8 years we have only been in one storm (and that was crossing the Pacific) - you just need to reef down and move slowly forward over swell, trust the boat - she can survive a lot more than you can imgine!!!!

- does your hubby know about your anxieties?

- do an offshore sailing course - or even a deckhand course - ANYTHING that will help you feel more comfortable.... your anxieties stem from the unknown - GET IN THE KNOW... cause if something dreadful happens out there - YOU need to be clued up enough to keep going - essentially you need to know what to do in a MOB situation - can you handle the boat on your own? If something happens, can your daughter and yourself get the mainsail down or the genoa furled? She needs to get involved as well - don't put your anxieties on her either... there are many many boats out there with kids and they have a ball and learn so much!!!!

But most of all - it's a fantastic life... a life that so many dream of... and it's SO rewarding and special... and not to mention the amazing people you meet - more so than you ever would on land... it's awesome out here and your daughter will be absolutely fine. Just trust your husband, and your boat.... but most of all trust yourself - you will be amazed at what the human psyche can handle.... don't let it break you - let it make you stronger!!!!!! Get out there and simply ENJOY!!!!!

Fast Forward · 12-05-2010, 02:11

Another thing I forgot to mention that we had fitted whilst in the Caribbean were very trendy looking "burglar bars" on our 4 big hatches (2 stainless steel bars that screw into either side of the hatch under the "frame", that can also be unscrewed from the inside by taking down one of the ceiling panels) - we also never sleep with the companion way door open either....

MarkJ · 12-05-2010, 09:40

Quote:

Originally Posted by FreeWilly

I guess because we will have our young daughter with us, I worry about getting caught in a storm, her falling overboard, meeting up with pirates or some of the other 'aggressives' I've been reading about in the 'Sailors Confessional' forum, hitting rocks, losing sight of shore, sinking, did I say getting caught in a storm? .

Yeah, but look at the bright side of life: No motor bike gangs at sea; Daughter can't knick off from school and have a smoke; Your husband can't 'work late'; you will be living as a family instead of 3 people separated most of their waking hours.

So its just that you need to balance up the realities of "if" in your mind.

When we first bought our boat Nicolle hadnt done much sailing so we picked up the anchor and went for a 10 day non-stop passage over her depth in water, out of sight of land. At the end she found she loved it, no sea sickness more than the first few hours, no storms, no pirates or any rougish looking men (

) and she had an instant amount of confidence.

Have a look at her happy 'lil smiling face (usually) on our website, link below.

All the best

Mark

Adax · 12-05-2010, 22:22

Free Willy ,greetings ! What you are going through is quite normal for any life changing decision: I lived through it twice moving to different countries with little to go on . Now I am launching into my newest adventure . I am 45 ,no previous experience of sailing but I somehow got the bug listening to my partner dream . Now I have never set foot on a sailboat, but the idea appeals immensely. So I am on board .You have already got a better view of what life on a boat would be like than me . All I can offer is a little comparison. I currently live in Mexico City ,have done so for 7 years .Now if you believed the papers I would have been killed about twice daily every day .Truth is I never had any problems and I have gone places where Mexicans don't go . No doubt the problems exist, but get magnified by reporting etc . So my advice would be don't dwell on reports of misadventure but prepare yourself so that you can take control of any situation yourself . I also think that your anxiety comes from feeling out of control. Own the preparations for the trip just as much as your husband does.

TabbyCat · 13-05-2010, 09:14

Quote:

Tell me this then, not to change the subject, but I'm curious: when we chartered this past winter, I often felt uneasy at night time thinking that it would be pretty easy for someone to swim to and board the boat

It does happen occasionally. And houses on land get broken into as well. Having a small yappy dog on board is an excellent countermeasure. I actually have friends who had their cat alert them to the presence of an intruder while anchored in Nassau. The cat started howling, they flipped on their deck lights and alarm system, and the intruder jumped back over the side. (They had an alarm system installed because they were docked in downtown Baltimore) before going cruising. So if that's what it takes to help you get over that fear, it's an easy solution. There are cruiser's nets on the radio & web pages that warn you about the places with a history of crime, so you should just avoid those places, just like you would not drive into a bad neighborhood at night with your car. And if we feel nervous, we lock ourselves in at night.

Mariness · 13-05-2010, 09:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by sailgirl1

When I met my husband he wanted to live aboard. I am very adventurous & it took time for me to, "Wrap my brain around it." It seems that about the time I finally did, he decided he didn't want to do it anymore.

We have been married almost 9 yrs. now & have a 6 yr. old daughter. Through the years of ups & downs of marriage and having a kiddo, I really think he is just afraid.

I am ready to put the house on the market, sell it all and go! Now he says he thinks he wants to work for awhile longer.

I'm not sure how to help him move beyond this point. There is a big part of me that is ready to go now & hope he'll catch up sooner than later. I know that sounds like I am not being a good partner. I'm frustrated!

Are you me?

J does still want to go, but he's afraid if he commits to YES, and then we can't make it happen he will be devastated. Could that be the trouble in your case? Leaving me, and apparently you, in the awkward position of taking over what used to be someone else's dream.

BubbleHeadMd · 13-05-2010, 09:52

Quote:

Originally Posted by FreeWilly

<snip> when we chartered this past winter, I often felt uneasy at night time thinking that it would be pretty easy for someone to swim to and board the boat. <snip>

In 98% of the world, this is not a rational fear. Somalia, and a few other places, maybe. Wow, are you serious?

Look, I was attacked in my own home, by a gun wielding asshat that tied me up and tried to rape my wife, and even I don't have that kind of paranoia! If anything, it has made me live life more fully, not retreat further into myself, and turn my house and boat into the "Green Zone".

Worrying about common sense things like medical emergencies out at sea, whether or not your ground tackle is up to snuff, if the engine is reliable, all that is normal, but you're going way beyond the norm.

And to correct what in my opinion is a misconception on your part, No. You cannot anticipate and prepare for EVERY obstacle. No matter how much you prepare, you will eventually encounter a situation that you did not anticipate and prepare for. Get over it. Learn the lesson and move on.

You will make mistakes. All you can do is attempt to minimize them. To even have the option to sever ties with the shore and cruise long-term is an incredible opportunity, an opportunity that not everyone gets. Will you waste it, sitting on the beach, fretting about what might happen?

Go to sea. If you don't like it, sell the boat and resume a more conventional life. At least you'll have the answer, and not regrets and unanswered questions.

**sarafina** · 13-05-2010, 10:13

Fear doesn't have to be rational to need addressing. Most fear is not rational, but we still have to live with it. I think going thru a forum with other folks who have had similar fears and who share what they have done to quiet those fears is a smart thing to do. Don't be too hard on inexperienced folks who need some encouragement... just be glad if you are one of the ones who is experienced enough to be past that.