Help! I'm Chickening-Out on My Husband's Dream...

[Paul Lefebvre]

As already mentioned, all of your fears are very common and have been addressed in this book. Look for it in your local library or bookstore, read it this weekend and you will be a much happier person come Monday morning. It will be good for your husband to read as well so he knows what you are feeling and why!!!

Changing Course, A Woman's Guide to Choosing the Cruising Lifestyle


Paul

[BubbleHeadMd]

Great pictures Mark, very encouraging.

I'll be you're the first person to ever "keep" their prowler.

[mintyspilot]

I loved the shower picture. How long will Nicole let it stay there?

Does she know yet? I suspect you'll be sleeping on the deck for a few days when she finds out.....

[DaveC]

Just go for it. Don't be afraid of the unknown. If it doesn't work out you can always go back to a normal life. But I suspect you'll end up loving it.

At the end of life, there are always more regrets about what we didn't try. Take to the sea and be happy!

Originally Posted by FreeWilly

My husbands dream has been to do an extended sailing trip. He sailed as a young man but has had limited experience since with larger boats. We were just on a trip in BVI and all went very well. Recently a number of life events triggered a decision on our part to get a boat (cat for safety/livability reasons) and spend a year sailing in the Caribbean. We have an 11year old daughter and the idea is to home school. We are selling our home to facilitate this and are intending to relocate on our return to a location I have wanted to move to. However, now that the house is listed, and the reality of what we are doing is setting in, I am having an uncharacteristic panic attack and I don't know if I really want to go through with this. I am nervous on boats and possibly slightly claustrophobic (another reason for the cat). I've started to worry about all that can go wrong and I'm afraid that I'm going to back out on my husbands dream. I feel terrible because he has never been happier..planning, reading everything imaginable, and learning about boats and their parts. We are both competent people and logically I know we can handle this, but I guess I just don't feel like adventuring anymore. I am close to 50 and my husband is in his 60's, so I think its now or never to get started with this and at the moment, I'm happy with never. Any advice, insight, comments???
Thanks!

[MarkJ]

Originally Posted by mintyspilot

I loved the shower picture. How long will Nicole let it stay there?

Does she know yet?

Nope


Mark

[Jim Cate]

Hello, Free Willy,
This is Ann writing, not Jim, and from the perspective of having become a cruising sailor following Jim's dream. Even if it is not your dream, now, if you want to go, you will find ways to make it work out. We've been out of the States cruising since March of '89. [We did make air trips home to see family and friends during this time, and come for medical treatment, as well.] I really thought after I read your OP that you were just going through the "heebie-jeebies". I do agree that fear is normal, with the advice to use knowledge as a weapon against anxiety, and I thought Mike's advice about involving your daughter was brilliant. The lady who suggested finding a way to make part of it your own is also exactly correct.

Just a few comments, though... Although a small dog surely would let you know when people approach your boat, in some countries your dog would have to be quarantined at your expense, and it can run in the thousands for just one cyclone season. Other factors in our choice to avoid on-board pets are that I know I would feel devastated if I were unable to retrieve a pet washed overboard, and there've been times when it likely would not have been possible.

There are people who will try to make you feel afraid. The poster who suggested that you consider what's going on with them offered you a valuable suggestion. For example, one grandmother of my acquaintance tried to stop her daughter from taking her grandsons offshore. Grandma was afraid, but didn't know anything, really, about cruising. I belong to the faction who consider it safer than land life, but also "safety" is often an illusion, anyway. Factors abound which are outside our control; hence a waste of time to worry about.

Cruising children are almost all really wonderful. They learn skills, develop self confidence, real interests, are less assailed by media brainwashing, and become able to deal with folks of varying age with aplomb and skill. I predict you all find the home schooling will be extremely valuable. One family we knew were out for 1 1/2 years, and soon everyone in the fleet knew school was from 8-noon, respected them, and playtime was later. Once you accept the challenge or problem, you handle it. Usually the kids that do return to the public education system are way ahead of their grade level both scholastically and for maturity level. I think it will be great for your daughter, if you decide to follow through.

Pirates. Most cruisers belong to radio nets, VHF, or via ham radio or marine single sideband. News of places where dinghies or people are molested passes at the speed of sound or light, depending on whether it's via radio or internet. The "grapevine" will warn you of places to not go. There are inexpensive motion sensors that can warn you of intruders on your boat, we had one on our first "Insatiable"; and real pirates are better armed than you'll ever be. Our solution has been to avoid places we're warned about, and together, all of you think up an emergency plan if you decide it's necessary.

Cruising as a lifestyle is like being a member of a small town, except it's afloat. In my experience, the great majority are generous and helpful, reciprocally supportive. If your Mom's alive, and worried about granddaughter, she might like to know that. It really is like a large, extended family.

Good luck with this one, and fair winds.

Ann Cate, US yacht "Insatiable II" lying NSW, Australia

[osirissail]

"Just a few comments, though... Although a small dog surely would let you know when people approach your boat, in some countries your dog would have to be quarantined at your expense, and it can run in the thousands for just one cyclone season."

Pets - cats or dogs take to a sailing boat quite nicely if they are brought on board while they are young. Older animals - like some people - sometimes make the transition and sometimes do not. The quarantine mentioned is primarily only in New Zealand and Australia in the Pacific Ocean. Elsewhere in the world pets are generally welcome with the exception of an island here and there which only will not allow you to bring them ashore. So cats are never a problem, but dogs need to be trained to do their business on board the boat. Also you need to have complete histories and medical records. So in the vast majority of the cruising destinations pets on board are not a problem.
- - The Pacific ocean presents the biggest challenge with strict rules on some islands already mentioned but cruisers are able to deal with the challenges. However, the biggest problem is if you take a young cat or dog with you they become a full fledged member of the family and parting with them for any reason is heartbreaking. On the other hand they are an unlimited source of fun, humor and love. As a result a lot of cruisers concentrating on the Atlantic and Caribbean have pets on board, but you will find only a few cruising boats in the Pacific that have pets on board.

[BubbleHeadMd]

One thing that I feel Ann really hit upon was the fact that people (some who are close to you, and even some who aren't!) who disagree with what you're doing, will attempt to scare you out of it simply because you aren't conforming with societal norms. They may feel it's wrong, or perhaps they're jealous. Who knows.

Your are "odd", doing something unconventional. Selling all of your stuff to become a sea gypsy and taking a child with you is unconventional. Gasp! Some parents would even liken it to child endangerment and would cheerfully interfere with your plans if they could find a law against it.

Screw 'em. Don't let these people crash your party.

[MarkJ]

Originally Posted by BubbleHeadMd

Screw 'em. Don't let these people crash your party.

Yes, thats very important.
We only told our friends 2 weeks before we left. Family we had only told a week or 2 prior to that.

Everyone was still in such shock that they never got around to telling us why we shouldn't!

Actually the friends one was totally kewl because we had a big dinner party and everyone got a lay at the door... (lae? oh, we haven't been to hawaii so I don't know how its spelled), a tropical cocktail and a big map to nominate where they want to come and visit us

Also agree with osirissail. We don't have a cat. We would love one (or 10) but we know it would not get back into Australia...

Mark

[Strygaldwir]

I think it is leis! I believe a lay might be colloquial for have sexual relations.

I definitely want to be invited to your next going away party!!

[mintyspilot]

Originally Posted by osirissail

Elsewhere [other than Oz...] in the world pets are generally welcome with the exception of an island here and there which only will not allow you to bring them ashore

One of those islands is the UK. Mandatory 6 month quarantine unless you have a "pet passport" and the animal reaches the UK via an approved carrier.

Defra, UK - Animal health and welfare - Pet Travel Scheme - What you need to do to bring your pet into or back into the UK under the Pet Travel Scheme

[sandinthepark]

your message had a lot of details, but all I could 'hear' was "...my husbands dream." It sounds very selfish that as a couple you two are following his dream rather than a shared dream.

[boatman61]

14 years late with this one mate..

[JPA Cate]

Welcome aboard CF, sandinthepark!

I had a different take on what the OP wrote back in 2010, and too bad we don't know what eventuated. She really wanted to go, AND she had a case of being afraid of the unknown going on, possibly exacerbated by negative feedback from land-based people.

I DID follow my husband's dream; and I did cope with some emotional challenges: among them, since I was no longer being paid for my work, I felt a loss of self esteem -- one of my weaknesses from childhood--eventually I developed a self concept based on being a cruising sailor. It was an honourable thing for me to do, to accompany him in his dream, and it turned out beautifully. What else does "love, honour, and cherish mean?" We had a wonderful time in our cruising years, and still live aboard most of the time. And, cruising kids are enhanced by the experience. The things that give us the heebie jeebies are addressable.

Ann (who had a post somewhere above, under her husband's name: Jim Cate)

PS. My sailing history up till when I joined CF is visible on my profile page.

[Renegde_Sailor]

Originally Posted by FreeWilly

My husbands dream has been to do an extended sailing trip. He sailed as a young man but has had limited experience since with larger boats. We were just on a trip in BVI and all went very well. Recently a number of life events triggered a decision on our part to get a boat (cat for safety/livability reasons) and spend a year sailing in the Caribbean. We have an 11year old daughter and the idea is to home school. We are selling our home to facilitate this and are intending to relocate on our return to a location I have wanted to move to. However, now that the house is listed, and the reality of what we are doing is setting in, I am having an uncharacteristic panic attack and I don't know if I really want to go through with this. I am nervous on boats and possibly slightly claustrophobic (another reason for the cat). I've started to worry about all that can go wrong and I'm afraid that I'm going to back out on my husbands dream. I feel terrible because he has never been happier..planning, reading everything imaginable, and learning about boats and their parts. We are both competent people and logically I know we can handle this, but I guess I just don't feel like adventuring anymore. I am close to 50 and my husband is in his 60's, so I think its now or never to get started with this and at the moment, I'm happy with never. Any advice, insight, comments???
Thanks!

Change is hard, I have seen a lot of people want to live this dream over the years then back away from it.

Myself I am into my 8th year of living aboard full time and I wouldn't trade it for anything, sailed my boat to Alaska last year and had the time of my life.

Getting ready to sail to Alaska again next year, then going to sail to Panama, Up the east coast and over to Europe. It is going to be a grand adventure.

About 2 1/2 years ago I met my girlfriend, she was working as a park ranger in Yellowstone, I extolled the virtues of being a boat bum on her and she came out for a visit that was only supposed to last 2 weeks and never left.

I wouldn't trade it for anything, we have had the most amazing time doing it.

Aside from that I am going to offer some thoughts for your 11 year old daughter, taking her sailing is going to make her a more interesting and more capable adult, she may learn to speak a couple of languages along the way, she is going to develop real world experience and problem solving skills that will make her turn into a highly capable adult.

As well she will have the memories she is making with you sailing around doing these things and while in the moment at times she may get bored and so on, as she gets later on in the years of her life these memories will become incredibly precious to her.

Not only that but as on the boat you will be schooling her you will be able to provide her with a quality of education that she is certainly not going to get at a public school.

There are also lots of children in the cruising community, and I know of several boats that cruise together because they have kids who are friends so it all seems to work out well for them.

That being said, many years from now when you are looking back at your life knowing that it is coming to a close, the memories you will have made doing this will make it all worth the while assuming you do it right which it sounds like you are.

It is worth it, I promise you that!