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landsend · 17-05-2017, 10:10

That was great! Can you do a Hornblower?

Aaarrgh · 17-05-2017, 10:21

"... from my cold, dead, fingers..."

Aarrrgh!

buzzstar · 17-05-2017, 13:29

Once was, but nevermore. Nonetheless, a way to separate the humorless from the rest of us. Sod the buggers, or is it bugger the sods? I do note, however, that I have never, ever, typed so much as the one-eyed admiral has done with one arm, and made so few typos. For those in the know, it is time for a refrain of at least one verse of The Good Ship Venus, least we wait until such is banned evermore and forgotten.

Question: Would we be abusing the rules if each who could and chose to do so contributed a verse for 1/ 'Good Ship Venus, and/or 2. 'Drunken Sailor?

**Jim Cate** · 17-05-2017, 14:43

Side and sad note: This year in Hobart, I watched a crew member on a local "tall ship' prepare to go out to the end of the bowsprit. He was already wearing a high-vis vest,but then he put on a hard hat and a harness, clipped to a safety line. Was wearing gloves, too, and work boots. Thus encumbered, he side stepped to the end of the spar, w here he proceeded to wipe down the varnish with a rag. All of this was done whilst safely tied to the Elizabeth St pier in a flat calm. I doubt that he was rewarded for this perilous task with an extra rum ration...

Jim

Sailorbob8599 · 17-05-2017, 16:26

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nostrodamus

"Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it .......... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case....................kiss me, Hardy."

OMG, I just about fell off my chair laughing at this. All I can add is, Thank God the Brits have not lost their sense of humour.

Sailorbob8599 · 17-05-2017, 16:37

Quote:

Originally Posted by buzzstar

Once was, but nevermore. Nonetheless, a way to separate the humorless from the rest of us. Sod the buggers, or is it bugger the sods? I do note, however, that I have never, ever, typed so much as the one-eyed admiral has done with one arm, and made so few typos. For those in the know, it is time for a refrain of at least one verse of The Good Ship Venus, least we wait until such is banned evermore and forgotten.

Question: Would we be abusing the rules if each who could and chose to do so contributed a verse for 1/ 'Good Ship Venus, and/or 2. 'Drunken Sailor?

Arrrrrgh! Twas`on the good ship Venus, by god you shud a`seen us,
The figurehead was a whore in bed, and the mast was a ten foot ... pole?