When sailors were real sailors!

[Nostrodamus]

"Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it .......... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case....................kiss me, Hardy."

[boatman61]

Nice One..

[sailorboy1]

ha ha

[Steadman Uhlich]

LOL!
Good humor (or humour) and a good ending line.

[ArmyDaveNY]

Very funny, and sad but trus. Wait, did I say sad? I'd better be careful or the doctor will prescribe a pill for that!
I was going to correct the misspelled word above but schools now say it's more important to not make one feel badly about their lack of skills. I can't even point out I fat fingered it lest I am accused of body shaming.

[Ken Z]

thank you for the humor, never enough and always room for more... remember when all lines were manila....

[alexanick]

Right On, I love it.

[Dave22q]

[SV Sailfish]

Brilliant!

But alas... the PC Police will be stopping by your vessel for a little "chat". Something about reindoctrination training?

[Tkeeth]

"if not for the ass of the cabin boy, the crew they would be frantic"

[Skuzzlebutt]

Humorous, true, but there's more than a shadow of truth and cause for concern.

While we do our best to protest violence abroad, it doesn't take much looking to find that political violence right here at home is becoming the norm.

[hafa]

Alas, to think of those halcyon days when we had rum, sodomy and the lash.

[DrivinSteve]

ROTFLMAO

[ArmyDaveNY]

Originally Posted by Skuzzlebutt

Humorous, true, but there's more than a shadow of truth and cause for concern.

While we do our best to protest violence abroad, it doesn't take much looking to find that political violence right here at home is becoming the norm.

Remember, we have to support diversity, except when someone or something is diverse from what we like or want, then it has to be violently attacked!

[Mikado]

I'm not sure how to shout down, online, your point of view because it differs from mine? Now I feel threatened...............got to go to my safe place. I think that there might be a stuffed animal in there to hug :-)