Why people may not help you!

[Cadence]

Originally Posted by Dave22q

Class differentials especially avoiding contact with those seen as beneath you I believe is basically an urban thing. It may well be associated with the incidence of violent street crime. It certainly is not my experience in marinas or on the water where class/wealth does not seem to matter most of the time.

I hope you are correct. I think boating may be the last bastion of civilization. Bikers may also rank high on the list?

[JPA Cate]

We have a friend, a retired cultural anthropologist, who one time did a study of the local cruising community, of which she was a member, and her notion was that cruisers function like members of a tribe, where reciprocal help is offered and received, and unspoken rules are observed, one of which surprised me, but i've found it to be true.

If you're busy, and not accepting guests just then, you do not invite the other guy aboard. The other guy does not get hurt feelings, just understands you're busy just then, and doesn't take it as a slam. ....and, later on, the shoe may be on the other foot, and it's all OKAY. It's okay to offer to give a hand, and okay to have it accepted or refused, without rancour. That's an amazing unspoken rule!

Cheers, guys,

Ann


On edit,

A64pilot, sorry those idiots ignored you, maybe a big city sort of thing? Guys buzzing around in runabouts are not necessarily true cruisers.......

[redhead]

2 vignettes -

When I was 12 we went on a great vacation to Nova Scotia and Newfoundland. While walking the docks a commercial fisherman saw the goofy looks on our faces and said - "be one the dock tomorrow at 10 and I'll take you out for cod". Trip of a lifetime for a little urban girl. We were taught how to jig for cod (we caught 60 lbs). The man was doing all this after going out for his own catch at 5am. Then he took us to his house where his wife gave us coffee and home made doughnuts. When my father put his hand in his pocket the man waved him away. When my dad offered to at least pay for fuel the man said "Don't insult me put your money away". 5 decades later and he still is my ideal of kindness, (retelling has brought a smile and tears).

Last night we were out to eat with another couple. My husband is pretty well fed up with the pick up job he took here on the west coast and said he's considering quitting. The woman said "Oh good, now you'll have time to go up to our summer house and help us with the HVAC". Talk about crass. The reason we are still on the dock 2 years later is he will always help anyone out, often at our own expense of time or money.

My point is I will never forget my fisherman and I will probably forget that woman's comment next week. Some people confuse "nice" with "stupid". Just smile, refuse to be pulled into their machinations. Do it if you want to. Don't do it and then resent it. Useless.

[old frog]

Originally Posted by redhead

Some people confuse "nice" with "stupid". Just smile, refuse to be pulled into their machinations. Do it if you want to. Don't do it and then resent it. Useless.

Worth repeating.

[chris mac]

An instructor of mine at cooking school told us a funny story. Whenever he went to his inlaws for dinner, they would just hand him the carving knife and expect him to serve.
Not wanting to offend, he bit his tongue the first couple times.
The third time, he'd had enough. When they handed him the knife he said to his brother in law(who was a mechanic) "while I'm doing this, could you go look at my car. It's been making a weird noise when I turn the wheel"
The brother in law got offended and told him to bring it to the shop on monday, I work all week on cars and don't want to do it all weekend too!
My instructor handed back the knife with a smile.
I like to use my skills to help people, by my choice. When THEY decide, it's a job and I get paid for it.

[thomm225]

Originally Posted by svHyLyte

Frankly I dislike dwelling on this subject but... Something I have noticed is that often, the greatest kindnesses/considerations are extended by the less well to do.

This is absolutely correct.............

[DumnMad]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

We have a friend, a retired cultural anthropologist, who one time did a study of the local cruising community, of which she was a member, and her notion was that cruisers function like members of a tribe, where reciprocal help is offered and received, and unspoken rules are observed, one of which surprised me, but i've found it to be true.

If you're busy, and not accepting guests just then, you do not invite the other guy aboard. The other guy does not get hurt feelings, just understands you're busy just then, and doesn't take it as a slam. ....and, later on, the shoe may be on the other foot, and it's all OKAY. It's okay to offer to give a hand, and okay to have it accepted or refused, without rancour. That's an amazing unspoken rule!

Cheers, guys,

Ann
.....

I agree Ann - its an amazing thing - us newbies just automatically fell in with the unspoken rule being taught by the unspoken example of others.
I think the cruiser community are unique in that they all understand there's plenty to deal with associated with living off the grid. We soon understand that the generosity of help is not because the helper has nothing to do.

[Cadence]

Nice or stupid? The last I recall was towing some idiot with an overloaded boat with kids. Ask if he could toss a line he would have to pull up his anchor. Was it nice or stupid? In retrospect if it were not for the kids?

[Mike OReilly]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

We have a friend, a retired cultural anthropologist, who one time did a study of the local cruising community, of which she was a member, and her notion was that cruisers function like members of a tribe, where reciprocal help is offered and received, and unspoken rules are observed, one of which surprised me, but i've found it to be true.

I think this is exactly right. We humans are social/tribal animals. We create groups which adhere through social norms, social connections. Cruisers are just such a group. Reciprocity and reciprocal altruism are a key elements of any group dynamic. People feel a connection to each other, and in the case of cruisers, often need each other.

This also explains why small towns or communities tend to be more civil places compared to larger urban areas — people actually have a connection to each other. It also goes a long way to explaining why there is a correlation (causation) between wealth and dickishness. Very wealthy folk are able to live quite isolated from the rest of the masses. And they don’t need other people to help them get along in life. All this weakens the social connections between economic classes.

[sartorst]

You can sure tell who only gives advise and those have actually produced work of value !
Dam ! We are talking about people that want, not people in NEED of course you help those in NEED!
Maybe the grammar Police could HELP me and edit my work !
I get the warm fuzzy feeling they may be the type that I intend to avoid
But they punctuate so well

[Barney21]

Now this one is just funny ,so no offence to anyone.
Living on a farm you get a call for help you drop everything and go.
I had a call from a neighbor (extremely religious) saying she has a large carpet snake in he bedroom , ( Her husband is away) can I come over and get rid of it ,so I did! When I finished she said " Thank the Lord ,Thank the Lord" He was no help at all!

[siamese]

Originally Posted by sartorst

You can sure tell who only gives advise and those have actually produced work of value !
Dam ! We are talking about people that want, not people in NEED of course you help those in NEED!
Maybe the grammar Police could HELP me and edit my work !
I get the warm fuzzy feeling they may be the type that I intend to avoid
But they punctuate so well

Okay! Here's what I think! You don't need the grammar police! You need the punctuation police!

[Kenomac]

Originally Posted by Mike OReilly

This also explains why small towns or communities tend to be more civil places compared to larger urban areas — people actually have a connection to each other. It also goes a long way to explaining why there is a correlation (causation) between wealth and dickishness. Very wealthy folk are able to live quite isolated from the rest of the masses. And they don’t need other people to help them get along in life. All this weakens the social connections between economic classes.

Have you ever actually lived right in the middle of a multicultural, multi-ethnic city? You know, people of all income levels and backgrounds living in close proximity? Well we do (past 11 years) and it's not like you describe at all. You have it all bassackwards.

When we lived out in country (17 years)... that's where we were surrounded by snobs, neighbors who didn't know each other, kids didn't play with each other etc.

The city is just the opposite, a place where people are somewhat forced to get along by their close proximity. Kinda like Sesame Street. Your neighbor's car gets stuck, you help dig them out of the snow etc. It's easy to do because you're right there.

There are nice generous wealthy people, as well as helpful lower income level folks. There are wealthy jerks and just as many poor jerks (eg: just check out any bar). There's no correlation between helpfullness and income, although some on this forum would like to think so.

[SV Bacchus]

Originally Posted by Barney21

" Thank the Lord ,Thank the Lord" He was no help at all!

Sure He was, He sent you!

[newhaul]

Originally Posted by Kenomac

Have you ever actually lived right in the middle of a multicultural, multi-ethnic city? You know, people of all income levels and backgrounds living in close proximity? Well we do (past 11 years) and it's not like you describe at all. You have it all bassackwards.

When we lived out in country (17 years)... that's where we were surrounded by snobs, neighbors who didn't know each other, kids didn't play with each other etc.

The city is just the opposite, a place where people are somewhat forced to get along by their close proximity. Kinda like Sesame Street. Your neighbor's car gets stuck, you help dig them out of the snow etc. It's easy to do because you're right there.i

There are nice generous wealthy people, as well as helpful lower income level folks. There are wealthy jerks and just as many poor jerks (eg: just check out any bar). There's no correlation between helpfullness and income, although some on this forum would like to think so.

Ken it sounds like you were in the burbs not actually in the country. To me country starts where the blacktop ends.