Single Men Living Aboard and Cruising... an honest look.

[Pelagic]

Pretty Ann.... but I've never been a believer in Fate.

I'm more in the camp with Stephen Stills

Edit:..but I think we agree....it takes work and adjustments (as long as you do not sell out who you are)
https://youtu.be/HH3ruuml-R4

[Gadagirl]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

I agree TRUST is number one and after 13 years my partner and I always list that feeling about each other as the glue that holds us together during any difficult times.

I'm ashamed to say that 'patience' from me is a work in progress.[emoji87]

That's beautiful! Many wish they had what you have! Start small on the patience. Let the little things roll off your back, like water on a birds feathered back. It's sometimes just not worth getting upset, or upsetting those around you, over a small incident or inconvenience. "Don't cry or yell about spilt milk." is a saying that comes to mind. The larger things deserve a discussion once your both calm.

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by Gadagirl

It's sometimes just not worth getting upset, or upsetting those around you, over a small incident or inconvenience.

Too true, ....but part of me is convinced that we just love the make-up sex!...... Joke [emoji1]

[Gadagirl]

Originally Posted by dwedeking2

In actuality that is how life turned out for me.

In my late forties now and my philosophy is what Ann stated. I'm following a plan. If someone wants to go with that plan then fine, hop aboard. If not then don't.

I live simple so another person wouldn't add much cost so it takes a lot of the money questions out of the equation.

Part of what I see as a potential problem is that this makes "the plan" superior to "the relationship" and in my experience people have a hard time with that.

While I do believe genetics, education,society and corporate marketing influence set gender trends, we are humans and can choose to be different. Most people are lazy and its easier just to "go along" so most fall into their expected roles.

Originally Posted by JPA Cate

Fritz Perls once wrote a desiderata for relationships that ended, ....."If perchance we find each other, it is beautiful; if not, it was never meant to be." I thought of that. There is a knack to the being open, because you may need to adjust bits in order to be more so.

Ann

Yes, be open to possibilities. If it happens it happens. If not? Well then you are happily living your own genuine life. Being coupled up is not the be all and end all. It's sure nice to have a person to share in the ups and downs but it's equally nice to enjoy the life you have.

[Gadagirl]

Originally Posted by gamayun

It's one crazy, tipsy-topsy paradigm of a world we live in. I often find you disagreeable, Sailorboy, and now...I am in complete harmony with your response here. How can that be?

Actually, I do have a slight disagreement. For #2a, the quickest way to utter frustration between two people is to assume that the other understands the obvious. Open, non-judgmental communication is the key and it's the hardest thing to get right. Notwithstanding that crude, male-bashing comment I made in an earlier post, a friend of mine is an adherent to "non-violent communication." If you haven't heard of it, it's not what you might think from the title. Check it out

No! It's 2b! example.... on my birthday I'd expect that you would know to do something special. If I have to specifically ask, "Hey next week on my birthday this year I'd like for you/us to......" Well that just doesn't make it seem thoughtful now does it? Leaves me feeling like I'm so not special that I have to remind you of it. And on top of that I have to dictate how the day should be spent or the gift I should receive. If you knew and cared and found me special enough, you'd remember my birthday , and you would have payed enough attention the prior 364 days to plan a special day or purchase a desired gift without seeking input from me! "If I have to ask then it's just not worth it!" Sound familiar? Sometimes it says a lot to just pay attention, anticipate your partners needs. Even if you don't always get it right. But showing no creativity, showing up with flowers and food? Meh.

[Gadagirl]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

Too true, ....but part of me is convinced that we just love the make-up sex!...... Joke [emoji1]

More fun than angry sex? JK

[Pelagic]

You've never seen my partner angry!

[gamayun]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

Summary 1
Are the ;
"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" examples of innate differences valid?
I think they are.

Ugh, please don't. I was wondering who might start quoting this book. Every page felt like the author was trying to say the same stereotypical thing, while just changing it up in a more simpleton way. All Women are Not From Venus. I have argued that evolutionary biology is a good method to understand the male/female differences, but as we are now in the 21st century, I also see that women have more control over their biological urges especially when there are more economic advantages at their disposal. This explains why population rates are declining so drastically in certain countries. In conjunction with this are many recent societal changes (i.e., over past 50 years) that are forcing a change in cultural norms and mores -- who knew 10 years ago that same sex marriage and polyamory would become so mainstream, right? Some people claim it's just too much PC and liberalism run amok, but what it is really causing is a change to a previous world order that is uncomfortable for many, especially those who are older.* Men and women will always process things differently based on innate traits and how we were raised (the good ole nature versus nurture quandary). The trick in understanding these differences is to dig deep to understand our biases and preconceived notions, which will help us become more empathetic to each other's world view. We especially don't have to agree with these differences, just understand why another might have them! The quickest way for me to lose interest in someone (or in a forum thread) is when they speak in absolutes such as, "all women are X" and "all men are Y" (I did that backwards, didn't I). We're all just insanely complicated individuals, yet all very similar and different at the same time. You can no more define a typical women than you can a typical male. And that's why this thread is running past 1200 posts....it just can't be done. It would be much easier to quantify how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

*I probably aged myself with the Tootsie Pop comment. I'm 52.

[gamayun]

Originally Posted by Gadagirl

No! It's 2b! example.... on my birthday I'd expect that you would know to do something special. If I have to specifically ask, "Hey next week on my birthday this year I'd like for you/us to......" Well that just doesn't make it seem thoughtful now does it? Leaves me feeling like I'm so not special that I have to remind you of it. And on top of that I have to dictate how the day should be spent or the gift I should receive. If you knew and cared and found me special enough, you'd remember my birthday , and you would have payed enough attention the prior 364 days to plan a special day or purchase a desired gift without seeking input from me! "If I have to ask then it's just not worth it!" Sound familiar? Sometimes it says a lot to just pay attention, anticipate your partners needs. Even if you don't always get it right. But showing no creativity, showing up with flowers and food? Meh.

See. This is a perfect example. I'm a woman who has always seriously disliked birthdays, holidays, forced days, whatever, because they require people to conform to preconceived ideals of what that day should be. Expectations on one particular day can lead to disappointments for both parties. I say if you want to surprise me (with a gift, a kind gesture, a dinner out) then do it on any one of those 365 days. However, if Gadagirl wants her birthdays to be special, then it seems she should tell her guy exactly what she expects and he needs to live up to it, or it might be a deal breaker, right? Me, I'd like a guy with no forced constraints about his "role" in our relationship. That's just one example of how women are certainly not all alike!

[Pelagic]

Great post Gamayun!
But to clarify.....I am not talking about static absolutes in the Male vs Female psyche or that historical trends evolve and sometimes return to older times as when the ancient Greeks were very open about Gay and polygamous relationships.

I believe that early on, we each are personally affected by those amorphous asexual experiences that will eventually define our sexuality.

We then tend to accept that role, which makes us process emotions differently from the other sex.

Biologically
Would you argue that naturally occurring Testosterone and Estrogen levels do not influence our thought and emotional processes ?

[john61ct]

Yes actually where are the single gay guys looking for cruising partners?

Sex has little to do with gender for a pretty high proportion of humans.

And sexual preferences are an entirely different issue as well.

Most CIS straight people aren't even aware of their privilege in trying to sweep these completely natural God-given differences under the table.

Not to mention those who can happily just do without the whole sex issue thanks very much.

Even viewing it as a physical sport, separate from any companionship or intimacy issues is just another valid preference.

And many such propensities can change over time, and may even be consciously chosen sometimes.

It's complicated, and requires radical acceptance from the mainstream for us to evolve toward becoming ever more human.

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by john61ct

Most CIS straight people aren't even aware of their privilege in trying to sweep these completely natural God-given differences under the table.
.

Yes...., my experience with sailing with gay friends is that there is a whole other level of complexity and intelligence that I do not understand.

[gamayun]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

Biologically
Would you argue that naturally occurring Testosterone and Estrogen levels do not influence our thought and emotional processes ?

Hormones absolutely DO influence our thought and emotional processes! I haven't looked into this idea, but it's well established that we all have lower levels as we get older, right? However, women's testosterone levels become higher relative to their estrogen while men's estrogen levels become higher relative to their testosterone. With the risk of contradicting my earlier tirade on the subject, this means that men (theoretically and on average) should become more sensitive in old age, while women should become more risk takers. There was an earlier posting about why women seem to become more aggressive as they age. I think changes in hormones and no more need to deal with the possibility of pregnancy are very likely some of the reasons for this.

Originally Posted by Pelagic

We then tend to accept that role, which makes us process emotions differently from the other sex.

There's that issue about "roles" again....

[daletournier]

Originally Posted by BandB

Hubby B: 47

Wifey B: 38, but I still feel 21 and hubby sure doesn't act 47.

Aha, I figured you are about that. I'm 48.

[gamayun]

Originally Posted by john61ct

Most CIS straight people aren't even aware of their privilege in trying to sweep these completely natural God-given differences under the table.

"completely natural God-given differences" I'm gonna have to ponder that statement for a bit, but it's probably best for all that I refrain from any religious or political comment