Farting Manatees (Especially for Manateeman :)

[StuM]

Courtesy of Dan Lewis (https://nowiknow.com/)
Fish, sharks, whales, dolphins -- they're all really good swimmers. And that makes a lot of sense because they live in water, and if you live in water, you need to be able to swim well to do, well, just about everything. Your food, your friends, and whatever you do for fun are all underwater, so you best be able to get around.
The good news for most of those creatures is that, to varying degrees, they're built for underwater living. Fish and sharks have gills and can breathe underwater; whales and dolphins, being mammals, need to come to the surface, but they have respiratory systems that allow them to maximize their time underwater. But put breathing aside for a moment, because there's more to being an undersea creature than that. You also need to be able to regulate your depth. If you're too buoyant, you'll float to the surface; if you're not buoyant enough, you'll sink toward the sea floor. And if your friends or your meals are somewhere in between, that's a problem.
But, again, most swimming creatures are built for this. Most fish -- particularly those with denser, bony skeletons -- have an internal organ called a "swim bladder," which is basically just a big sack of gas that allows them to stay at whatever depth is appropriate without having to spend energy swimming. Fish with cartilage-based skeletons (sharks, for example) and mammals like dolphins and whales don't have swim bladders, but that's okay; they can regulate their depth simply by swimming; their pectoral (side) fins work similar to the wings of birds and airplanes, creating lift. And because those creatures are always in motion, hunting down their next meal (or in the case of dolphins, doing fun dolphin things), not having a swim bladder is not really a big deal.
Unless you're a manatee, sometimes called a "sea cow". Manatees are special -- unlike fish and sharks, they're mammals, and unlike whales and dolphins, they're vegetarian. And that's a bad combination. Vegetation doesn't move much, so you have to stay where you are to eat, which removes airplane-like lift from your repertoire of buoyancy strategies. Being a mammal, you don't have a swim bladder, so that's out. You need to be able to drop to deeper depths upon command. The easiest way to do that is to let some air out of your body, so that's what you do.
When manatees want to dive for a meal, they fart.
It's a rather efficient (albeit hardly elegant) solution. Manatees can weigh nearly 600 kilograms (1,300 lb) and they eat about 10% of their body weight in vegetation each day; consuming that much plant material, as anyone who has ever eaten a lot of salad can attest, is going to lead to a good amount of gaseous bloat. The more manatees eat, the more gas they store up, and the more gas they store up, the more they float to the surface. When it's time to eat again, they just let a big one rip and wait a bit; before they know it, the hungry manatee is now descending back toward where its next meal is growing.
Of course, any flatulence-based motion system has a built-in problem: what do you do when you're too backed up to fart? A 2000 study on manatee biology noted that "constipated manatees are often unable to dive" and therefore are imperiled. Thankfully, that's an issue humans can help with. First, it's pretty easy to see if a manatee is constipated as their tails tend to float higher than the rest of their bodies. And second, manatee constipation is an easy thing to fix: you just give them a laxative. Per the study, "after treatment with a laxative, the animals expelled substantial volumes of gas, regained their buoyancy control, and then exhibited normal locomotory movements."
So next time you see a manatee toot, don't be offended. For them, farting isn't just sophomoric triviality -- it is literally a life or death decision.

[Manateeman]

Manatees score this post a perfect 10.

[Fore and Aft]

StuM I could see the fire department being called in to look for a gas leak every time Manateeman docks at a new marina!
Cheers

[tkeithlu]

Does the ABYC have a standard, like the propane standard, for the storage of manatee farts? Mark is building his own boat, so....

If Mark's boat is buttoned up for a storm, and his manatee crew has been eating baked beans, is he at risk for asphyxiation?

Placards. Can we assume that Marrk's boat carries extra "No Smoking" signs?

Was Mark's crew responsibile for a recent marina fire, you know, with fiberglass boats producing billowing black smoke and angry flames?

Are manatee farts the new biofuel? Can they be harnessed for propulsion? Should we figure them in for our energy budgets?

Mark lives a long way from the nearest manatee. Is there a reason for that related to manatees farting? He says that he loves them, but is he actually keeping his distance?

What's the best laxative for a constipated manatee?

Mark loves manatees. I'm OK with routine beastiality, I mean, making it with sheep and all that, but fat, slow-witted, gassy aquatic mammals? OK, who is to say what is normal, Mark. Whatever floats your boat, assuming that we are talking about consenting adult manatees.

[Tetepare]

Does someone get paid to administer the laxative?

[Wotname]

Give me a break - as a long term cruiser, I know the esteemed manatees only feed on pizza and beer.

As for their farts...I dunno but I guess it depends on the toppings and the yeasts.

[tkeithlu]

1. Administer laxative.
2. Run like hell.
3. Declare river a super-fund haz-mat scene.

[Manateeman]

First, please let me thank StuM for the original post which, as scary as it reads, is true. The manatee crew can always count on ForeandAft for his collection of fine manatee approved art. Like Kermit, the Green Frog whisperer, tkeithlu is a truly clever guy and provides hilarious commentary on life in the swamp.
Manatee gas is combustible but any propane sniffer will give you proper warning.
We have two. Eight, five inch dorades provide a nice air exchange if we need to button up for a storm and then we turn on the explosion proof bilge fans.
Should we need additional auxiliary power we have a hose we can rig to the turbo intake. A manatee crew has several advantages.
Anti-Piracy. An vigorously off gassing crew will lay down an impenetrable cloud not even the most determined pirate can withstand.
Auxiliary propulsion. No wind. Low on diesel. One manatee paddle (tail) has the ability to push our vessel at hull speed and consumes just 6 beers per hour.
Scuba Diving. Need to finish that underwater research and you air gauge reads zero? Twist your snorkel to your manatee buddy and your all set.
Medical emergency. Once you get over the bristles, well, oxygen is oxygen. They do brush their teeth with rope and that helps.
Babe Magnet. I’m spliced to a beautiful woman but if you bachelor sailors need a wingman, manatees are female magnetic. It’s the face bristles and the twinkle eyes.
Damage control. Any hull breach can be secured with manatee biscuits mixed with stale pizza crusts, crushed flat beer cans and a TIG welder.
Auxiliary whistle. Need to let the other vessel know your intentions? One manatee gas blast and a flick of your bic and the light and noise will carry for miles.
Shenanigans. The manatee crew photos are posted in more bars than the FBI bulletins in the post office. Bouncers just can’t deal with the way they roll.
So there are just a few of the reasons I love my crew. 2,000 pounds of unauthentic, potato shaped, gas bags that never stop eating but are endlessly amusing, intelligent and scientifically interesting fellow mammals.
Again, thanks to all. Happy trails to you.
Captain Mark and the Manatee Crew.