Puns

[GordMay]

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it immediately sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent Florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally,

10. There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

I did not intend to inflict you with any unusually cruel PUNishment by posting this.

[mickmul]

Nice one Gord, especially the Gandhi one . . here's a few more . . .

If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!

She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

[scotte]

A couple more (sorry!)... Though these are verbal puns - read them out loud.

She had freckles on her but she was pretty.

She was only the cattleman's daughter but all the horse manure.

[Triton318]

A frog went into a bank and sat down at Patty Wack's desk to apply for a loan. The loan officer asked for identification. He told her he didn't have any, but if it helped, his father was Mick Jagger. She asked him if he had any collateral. He set a small ceramic figurine of a tadpole on a lilly pad on her desk. She told the frog she would have to speak to her manager. She excused herself and went back to his office. "Sir," she said, "there's a frog out here who's applying for a loan. He says his father is Mick Jagger and all he has for collateral is this." She held up the small figurine. "I don't even know what it is." Her boss sighed, shook his head, and said, "It's a knick nack Patty Wack, now give the frog his loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone."

[mickmul]

A notorious punster was sentenced to be hung for crimes against the language. Given one last chance to repent, he looked up, then said, "No noose is good news." They hung him.

[Sunspot Baby]

That should be she was only the cow man's daughter but all the horse men knew her.

George

[svHyLyte]

Whilst returning to our club at the end of a race day on a friend's yacht that drew 7 feet or so, we had to negotiate a bar that had only 5-1/2 feet of clearance at low water. As the tide was rapidly running out, the owner hard sheeted the main and directed all non-essential crew to the rail. With this, a young Priest among the crew joined the row, leaned out, closed his eyes and began muttering "Hail Mary's". After barely scraping the bottom and clearing in, the master queried, "And what, Father, was that all about?" to which the Priest brightly replied, "Faith Healing!".

Cheers,

s/v HyLyte

[Boracay]

I heard that during one Sydney Hobart race the sailing master told one winch hand who had allowd the genoa sheet to sag a little that "It's Toulouse-Lautrec." .

[mickmul]

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, “He who has a Tates is lost!”

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?”

[David M]

Very good! ...some those are amazingly clever.

[Tellie]

I thought threads on puns weren't allowed anymore.

[Hud3]

No,that's guns, not puns. Or was that a pun, Tellie?

[bstreep]

Two parrots were standing on a perch. One said to the other, "do you smell fish?"

Two fish were in a tank. One said "you man the guns, I'll drive".

[Alan Wheeler]

Bill I like those two. That is funny.
A Man walks into a Bar.....ouch!!
or
Two men walk into a bar....... You'd have thought at least one of them would have seen it.

A fluffy Duck walks into a Bar. The Bartender says "hey we have a Drink named after you". The fluffy Duck replies, "whot, you got a drink called Bob?"

[bstreep]

Wheels, I heard it this way:

A grasshopper walks into a bar... "Alexander?".