The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[Montanan]

I recently bought a toilet brush . . .

Long story, cut short,

I am going back to toilet paper.

[Montanan]

Maybe if we tell people that their brain is an app, they will start using it.

[Montanan]

I am opening a new business on New Year's Day. It will be called Resolutions.

For the first two weeks it will be equipped with exercise equipment then it will be remodeled and turn into a wine bar the rest of the year.

Care to become a founding member?

[SailRN]

This is the greatest gift I received:







Dishwasher Safe...

[mikereed100]

A man crashes his motorcycle and is taken, unconscious, to the ER via ambulance. He awakens in the ICU several days later to a nun sitting by his bedside with a clipboard. She asks him how he is planning to pay his bill.

"Do you have insurance?" she asks.
"No", he reply's.
"Do you have any savings?"
"No."
"Do you have any family members who could help you out?"
"My only relative is a spinster sister who is a nun."
"Actually," the nun says, "we nuns are married to God, so technically we are not spinsters."
"Great" he says, "send the bill to my brother-in-law".

[SailRN]

Subject: Gripe Sheet


After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,
which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the
aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The
mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing
on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and
the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by
maintenance engineers.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[GordMay]

Further to #1708

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

[Montanan]

It's okay to talk to yourself, and okay to answer yourself, but it's sad when you have to repeat what you said because you weren't listening.

[GordMay]

Further to #1708 & 1717:

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

[CatNewBee]

... because 2021 was a joke in itself.

Let 2022 thread be funnier, more ironical, sarcastical, satirical, less political correct, offensive, twisted, surprising, saucy, cynical - all of it with a grain of salt and a [emoji12].

We wish you all a happy, healthy and funny new year!

[GordMay]

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up on New Year’s Eve.
Middle age is when you’re forced to.

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in.
A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

I see no need to make more New Year’s resolutions, when the ones already on the books, aren’t being enforced.

My grandparents had resolutions like donating more time and money to charities.
I’ve decided to make my own coffee, once a week.

My other New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.

My third resolution was to read more, so I put the subtitles on my TV.

This New Year’s, I resolved to lead a better life.
Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me.

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the New Year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.