The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[GordMay]

December political cartoon gallery from the USA TODAY Network
Not very partisan ➥ https://www.usatoday.com/picture-gal...or/5682350001/

[nigel1]

Happy New Year

[GordMay]

[jeanathon]

Originally Posted by Adelie

Anticipating that someday this thread will also go off the rails badly be closed and wishing to avoid the next one being called “The Newest New Joke Thread” or some such mouth full of marbles I changed the thread name to include the year started. This also being my way of expressing my hope and expectation that this one will make it to the end of the year.

Looks like sailors despite differing backgrounds, politics, and levels of grumpiness CAN come together to laugh at the other guy.
Happy New Year everyone!

[GordMay]

x

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

Q: What did Adam say to Eve on December 31?
A: It’s New Year’s, Eve.

Q: What do you call always having a date for New Year’s Eve?
A: Social Security.

Q: Can you name the most recent year, when New Years came before Christmas?
A: This year.

A new year doesn’t come to change your life.
It comes to remind you that one more year has gone, and you’re still the same useless moron, who thinks he can make his resolutions come true.

This Year, may your hair and teeth, your face-lift, abs and stocks not fall, may your blood pressure, your cholesterol, white blood count, and mortgage interest not rise.

Happy New Year 2022!

[delmarrey]

Not to mention all the typhoon’s, tornadoe’s, flooding, volcanoe’s and land slides…………

.

[Yellowtulip]

The patient said, “It’s awful, doctor. I just can’t stand any more bad grammar and punctuation, especially the grocer’s apostrophe. It’s everywhere, this use of an apostrophe to pluralise a noun. It’s making me ill.”
The doctor said, “Their, their. Your being pedantic. Its just language. Pull your sock’s up. I’ll prescribe you some tablet’s.”
The patient is now in intensive care.

[OutOfControl]

NEW SALESMAN
A Young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everthing under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just ONE?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but your not on the farm anymore, son.

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says, $101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. The I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so i took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."

The Boss said, "A guy came in here to buy fish hooks and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing'"

[GordMay]

A man kept walking round the harbour sticking poles on the boats.
He was the harbour mast-er.

A ferryboat came, and dropped off a load of meat and cheese, at my house.
It was a deliferry.

A student asks his sailing instructor, “What’s a bar?”
The instructor replies, “It’s a low-lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood.
Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.”

An inexperienced sailor, after running aground on a sand bar, had to pay a passing fisherman fifty pounds to pull him off with his boat.
After his yacht was off the sand bar, he said to the fisherman, “At those prices, I should think you could make a real living pulling people off night and day.”
“Can’t,” replied the fisherman. “At night I dredge and haul sand back onto the bar.”

[GordMay]

Q: What do you call a sail with only two corners?
A: I haven’t got a clew!

Q: What’s the discount rate at the boat store?
A: A two-for-one sail.

Q: When do you get a good deal on a boat?
A: When there is a sail on it.

Q: What do you call boat made of stones?
A: A hard-ship.

Q: What is so fascinating about the iceberg named Bluetooth?
A: Any ship that will go near it will sync.

Q: What do you call a ship whose lights flicker a lot?
A: A lighthouse.

Q: What do you call a boat with AI?
A: Row-bot.

Q: How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A: A buck an ear.

Q: Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
A: At a second hand store

[carlosproa]

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[GordMay]