The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[GordMay]

Heard aboard the RMS "Titanic":
Yes, the ship hit the iceberg, but putting the children into the lifeboats, is the most destructive thing imaginable to their psyche. It’s time for us to stop all this evacuation talk, and just complete the voyage.
Are you aware of what a full evacuation of the ship, will do to our schedule, and profitability?
Yes, the first 7 watertight compartments are flooded, with frigid North Atlantic water; but it’s time to stop being ruled by our fears, and get back to our normally scheduled travel. We MUST reopen the shuffleboard courts, on the lido deck!
Look, I too want to survive this sinking; but I look at how people insist upon wearing constrictive life vests, and taking to lifeboats; and I sympathize with those who want to spend their time drilling holes in the hull. It’s better to show the ocean we don’t fear it, than it is to cower.
More lifeboats? We don't need any more damn lifeboats! What we need is less icebergs!

I wonder why there isn't a vaccine for paranoia, dishonesty, or stupidity?

[StuM]

Originally Posted by GordMay

A: Purple, because aliens don't wear hats.

Oh yes they do!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVZUVeMtYXc

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by GordMay

One day, a family started hearing loud talking, coming from underneath the ground, in their backyard. They figured maybe the plumber, who did some work yesterday, left a radio down there.
They sat and listened to the talking, then realized it was mostly about vaccination, climate change, and UFO’s.
They called the plumber to ask about his missing radio.
“Radio? I didn’t bring a radio. Oh, I see the problem.
I installed a skeptic tank, instead of a septic tank.”

I have one of those in my holding tank

[GordMay]

My wife was really mad at the fact, that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff, and right.

[GordMay]

The crusty navy chief noticed a new face and barked at him, “Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?”

“John,” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled.
“It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever.
And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”

“Aye, Aye, Chief!”

“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”

The seaman sighed. “Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief.”

“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do …”

[GordMay]

Another quick quiz:

Q: Why do sailors eat shellfish, when rain is forecast?
A: It’s the clam before the storm.

Q: What do tech-obsessed pirates wear?
A: An i-patch.

Q: How did the old Norse sailors communicate?
A: Using norse code.

Q: When is a sailor not a sailor?
A: When he’s a board.

Q: Why can’t you tickle a sailor?
A: Because they’re nau-tical-ish.

Q: What happens if you throw a Finnish sailor overboard?
A: Helsinki.

Q: When does a dog become a sailor?
A: When he embarks.

Q: Where does a sailor who can’t control his temper go?
A: Anchor management.

Q; Where do late sailors come from?
A: Missed-his-shippi.

[Lodesman]

Originally Posted by GordMay

The editor should be made to write out "I'll will proof-read before publishing" a thousand times.

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by Lodesman

The editor should be made to write out "I'll will proof-read before publishing" a thousand times.

I'm confused:

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.

A blond who’s returning to the US, from Brazil, lifts her skirt at US inmigration.
Officer: Thank you ma’am, it looks really nice, but I think you got confused between vax and wax.

When the label says '2% milk', I get confused.
I don't know what the other 98% is!

I'm trying to learn English. They told me "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, but I'm still confused.
Can anybody please tell me, why the widow got mad at me, at the funeral?

I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

[Lodesman]

Originally Posted by GordMay

I'm confused:

"I'll" is a contraction of "I will"; so "I'll will" as in Wally's final statement, is an error that should have been picked up by the editor.

[GordMay]

For my friends, in Southern Ontario:


Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

[Mirage35]

Originally Posted by GordMay

I'm confused:

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.

A blond who’s returning to the US, from Brazil, lifts her skirt at US inmigration.
Officer: Thank you ma’am, it looks really nice, but I think you got confused between vax and wax.

When the label says '2% milk', I get confused.
I don't know what the other 98% is!

I'm trying to learn English. They told me "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, but I'm still confused.
Can anybody please tell me, why the widow got mad at me, at the funeral?

I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

And then there's the fellow who was learning English as a second language. Someone explained the expression from the Christmas story: "Mary was great with child" and he thought he understood.

Then a friend told him "Mr. Smith is great with children."

[johnny AoB]

Last Sunday morning Sue was making a breakfast of fried eggs for Ed.

Suddenly, Ed burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

Sue stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

Ed calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[Jim Cate]

For you language buffs:

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?





Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

This clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.


Just in case you were wondering...

Jim

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by Jim Cate

For you language buffs:

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?





Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

This clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.


Just in case you were wondering...

Jim

Not to mention how to answer the age old question:

Do these jeans make look as fat as I feel?

[GordMay]

It’s difficult to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells seashells, down by the seashore.

I asked my wife, if I was the only one she’d been with.
She replied, “Yes, all the others were sevens or eights.”