The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[Lodesman]

Newfie joke:

Mrs Murphy is at the Doctor's office for her yearly check-up.

Doctor: "Well Mrs Murphy, we'll have to send off your bloodwork, so we can schedule you in next Tuesday to review the results. Other than that your physical exam went well, you're healthy as a horse. Is there anything of concern you'd like to discuss?"

Mrs Murphy: "Well... no I best not."

Doctor: "Go on, we can talk about anything."

Mrs Murphy: "Well Doc, it's not me y'see... but Mr Murphy ain't been 'imself lately. We've always had good intimate relations b'y, but lately the Mr hasn't been in the mood, if you take my meaning. And y'know Doc a woman's got needs."

Doc: "That's not a problem, I can write you a prescription for him, that should fix him right up."

Mrs M: "Oh Lord no! I can't tell him I told you about his problem. He'd be so embarrassed. I shouldn't have said anyt'ing."

Doc: "OK, I'll tell you what, I'll give you the prescription to fill, and you just pop one of the pills into Mr Murphy's coffee in the morning. And next week, when you're back in, we'll see if there's been an improvement."

So she agrees to that and heads off. The next week she comes in for her follow-up appointment.

Doc: "Well Mrs Murphy, your lab-work came back, there were no issues at all. Now how about that other issue - did the pills work out?"

Mrs M: "Oh Gawd, it was horrible Doc, just terrible."

Doc: "Did the pills not work?"

Mrs M: "No Doc!, that's not it at all - I did what ye said, went right out to the pharmacy and filled the prescription. The next morning I slipped a pill in the Mr's coffee and he set down to read his paper. The next thing y'know he slams down his paper, an he got this strange look in his eye - he jumps up and in one swoop brushed everyt'ing off the table all over the floor, grabs me right up, tears off me dress, and had me passionately - right there on the table. I thought it would never end. It was absolutely mortifying."

Doc: "I don't understand. I thought that's what you wanted. Was there something wrong with the sex?"

Mrs Murphy: "Gawd no Doc, the sex was great, best we've had in years... but
I'll never be able to show me face in the Tim Hortons again."

[DMF Sailing]

Two unicorns and two dragons are sitting at a table down on the waterfront.

Smoking cigs, drinking beers, playing cards, you know. Just hanging out seaside on a lovely day.

Suddenly, this huge arc departs the port and heads out to sea.

"Oh crap," says one of the unicorns, as the others watch the vessel disappear, mouths agape. "That was today?

[Buzzman]

Originally Posted by Rucksta

I hope we export more Fosters than we drink.

Pretty sure we expert almost all o fit, because most Aussies aren't stupid enough to drink it....!!

The Poms seem to love it, though.....

[Buzzman]

Q: What's black and frizzled and hangs from Irish light sockets???


A: An Irish electrician


Q: What is his name?


A: Sean D'Leer

[MicHughV]

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub downing a few pints...

One turns to the other and ask....." so where do you live....??"
" why sure, I live down the road on Bleecher Street"...
Says the first " sure an' begorrah, I live on the same Street, where did you go to school?"
Second one says" twas' at St. Patricks' school, I went to...."
Says the first " blimey, dat's unbelievable, I went to the same school, do you have any sisters ?.."
Says the second " aye sure, I do...Molly is 'er name"
Says the first...." the dickens you say, that's unbelievable, I too, have a sister named Molly..""

This goes on and on, what the one says, the other says the same...

Sitting on the other end of the bar is an American new in town, he turns to the bartender and asks " what's with these two ?"""

Bartender tells him " Never mind those two, dem's the Murphy brothers getting drunk again.."

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Buzzman

Pretty sure we expert almost all o fit, because most Aussies aren't stupid enough to drink it....!!

The Poms seem to love it, though....

Virtually none is exported - because very little is either brewed or consumed in Aus.

[OutOfControl]

The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...
"In honour of the Harvest Festival, yOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request???'
The Lone Ranger responds,"I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees,and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"READ MY LIPS!!!!"
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

"BRING POSSE"

[skipmac]

Obviously originated "over there" since it refers to knickers.

[MicHughV]

as a youngster I grew up with the so-called "beer shandy"....this was a mug filled about half full with beer and the remainder a flavored soda, usually lime flavored...ostensibly this was a "ladies drink"....
I can't recall how old I was, maybe 10-12, when I first tried one, but in order to be a "tough guy" it had to be done to win points from your mates...it all went downhill from there...

I've been meaning to write a book " Stupid things I've said and done while under the influence of alcohol"...

[skipmac]

Some thoughts for today.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today. I used to have some immunity built up but obviously there is a new strain out there.

I'm on two diets now. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time," isn't the correct response.

Turns out that being a “senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of ... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

[SeanPatrick]

^ Haha! Couldn't agree more!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLpE1Pa8vvI

[GordMay]

[rotrax]

Originally Posted by Lodesman

Only if the joke is lame.

Newfies tell the best Newfie-jokes. More of us need to learn to laugh at ourselves.

You guys over there have probably heard this old chestnut.


A solo sailor and well known bon viveur sails to Newfoundland to search out the best 'Scrod' in the world. He hears it is found in St Johns, so sails there.
He makes fast and goes into the harbour office to pay his dues. The Harbourmaster is a retired lady, previously a Harvard English Proffesor.
" Where can I get Scrod? " he asks after paying his dues. The reply is enlightening.
" Try Big Annie's down the quay. Its the first time I have heard it described in the past plueperfect...................."

[rotrax]

Originally Posted by goboatingnow

beer is a generic term , what you are describing is " Ale" both Ale and Lager are " Beers" ( Beer is the method of brewing in general )a good lager is just as good as a good ale etc and vice versa . The british drink an enormous amount of crap beer as well as brewing some nice local Ales. In my experience the Czechs are the best at good beers

Where Im from a proper beer is a "pint of plain" , served cool but not cold , made with water from the liffey and takes about 2 minutes to pour , ( personally I cant stand it !!)

You have to know how to drink a pint of bitter.



No good sticking your tongue in and sipping. If you cant finish a pint of bitter in four or five large swallows you will never like it.


Your tongue tastes bitter things at the back, sweet things at the front.


Pour it in, to the back of your mouth and down your throat. Lovely.


It was a weak brewed drink to satisfy the agricultural and factory workers thirsts after they knocked off work.


If every pint of bitter tasted as good as the pint you get after taking the Bass Brewery tour in Burton upon Trent, I would drink nothing else.


Unfortunatly, they do not.

[Lodesman]

Originally Posted by rotrax

You guys over there have probably heard this old chestnut.


A solo sailor and well known bon viveur sails to Newfoundland to search out the best 'Scrod' in the world. He hears it is found in St Johns, so sails there.
He makes fast and goes into the harbour office to pay his dues. The Harbourmaster is a retired lady, previously a Harvard English Proffesor.
" Where can I get Scrod? " he asks after paying his dues. The reply is enlightening.
" Try Big Annie's down the quay. Its the first time I have heard it described in the past plueperfect...................."

Good one! But you'd think an English prof would know it's either 'past perfect' or 'pluperfect', not a mish-mash of the two.