The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[GordMay]

A little boy is walking down the country road one day when he comes across a man who has a truckload of cow manure.
The boy asks him what he’s going to do with all that cow poop.
The man says, “I’m taking it home to put on my strawberries.”
The little boy looks up at the man and says, “I don’t know where you come from, but where I’m from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries.”

[MicHughV]

Prior to engaging a foreign ship of war....Nelson would tell his cabin boy...." boy, run down to my cabin, and fetch me my red shirt"....
After several such engagements, the cabin boy finally plucked up the courage to ask Nelson what's up with the red shirt....ok, he probably said " m'lord, for what purpose is the red shirt"....but I digress...
Nelson turned to him and said " my boy, in the event I'm wounded, the red shirt will hide the blood, so that I can continue to lead, lending morale to the crew"
The cabin boy nodded in understanding.

A short while later Nelson spied the French fleet, which outnumbered him by a large amount, and turned to his cabin boy " Boy, run down to my cabin and fetch me my brown pants..."

[SailRN]

Originally Posted by GordMay

People who tell you they’re constipated are full of crap.

To everyone out there suffering from constipation …
I sincerely hope you have a really sh*tty day.

Q: What do women/men [pick one] and toilet paper have in common?
A: They both deal with a lot of crap.

I bought a toilet brush yesterday, but I’ve gotta say …
I still prefer toilet paper.

You never really appreciate what you’ve got, until it’s gone.
Toilet paper is a good example.

And, there's the old favorite:


No job is finished till the paperwork's done!

[SailRN]

Originally Posted by MicHughV

Prior to engaging a foreign ship of war....Nelson would tell his cabin boy...." boy, run down to my cabin, and fetch me my red shirt"....
After several such engagements, the cabin boy finally plucked up the courage to ask Nelson what's up with the red shirt....ok, he probably said " m'lord, for what purpose is the red shirt"....but I digress...
Nelson turned to him and said " my boy, in the event I'm wounded, the red shirt will hide the blood, so that I can continue to lead, lending morale to the crew"
The cabin boy nodded in understanding.

A short while later Nelson spied the French fleet, which outnumbered him by a large amount, and turned to his cabin boy " Boy, run down to my cabin and fetch me my brown pants..."

I don't think Nelson needed his brown pants as surely the French fleet retreated.

[GordMay]

Not many people know that Nelson was 5' 6", in real life.
His statue, in Trafalgar Square is 17'4" .
That's a Horatio of around 3:1

[GordMay]

Here is an updated, and 'politically correct' version of an imaginary
conversation, between Vice-Admiral Horatio Nelson, and Captain of the Fleet, Thomas Hardy.

Scene: The Atlantic Ocean, off Trafalgar, south of Cadiz. Admiral Nelson is
about to engage the French and Spanish ships:

Nelson: 'Order the signal, Hardy.'

Hardy: 'Aye, aye sir.'

Nelson: 'Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?'

Hardy: 'Sorry sir?'

Nelson [reading aloud]: 'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion ordisability.' What gobbledegook is this?'

Hardy: 'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England...' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.'

Nelson: 'Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.'

Hardy: 'Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
working environments.'

Nelson: 'In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.'

Hardy: 'The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking.'

Nelson: 'Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
.............. full speed ahead.'

Hardy: 'I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch
of water.'

Nelson: 'Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please.'

Hardy: 'That won't be possible, sir.'

Nelson: 'What?'

Hardy: 'Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.'

Nelson: 'Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.'

Hardy: 'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral.'

Nelson: 'Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.'

Hardy: 'Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled.'

Nelson: 'Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.'

Hardy:
'Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of
visual impairment and limb deficiency.'

Nelson: 'Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.'

Hardy: 'A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?'

Nelson: 'I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.'

Hardy: 'The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.'

Nelson: 'What? This is mutiny!'

Hardy: 'It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.'

Nelson: 'Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?'

Hardy: 'Actually, sir, we're not.'

Nelson: 'We're not?'

Hardy: 'No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.

According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.'

Nelson: 'But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.'

Hardy: 'I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report.'

Nelson: 'You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.'

Hardy: 'Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life'

Nelson: 'Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, and the lash?'

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a total ban on
all corporal punishment.'

Nelson: 'Oh dear, In that case ...
... kiss me, Hardy.'

[MicHughV]

ah yes....poor old Nelson...but at least he was shipped home in a barrel of brandy....considering....he could he have been just tossed over the side...gives new meaning to being " pickled"...

[Mirage35]

Originally Posted by MicHughV

could he have been just tossed over the side...

I believe the politically correct expression from that period was "buried at sea."

[MicHughV]

You can pretty up the language anyway you want....but you can't "bury" anyone at sea..... being "buried at sea" is tantamount to be being tossed over...in an unmarked grave to boot...
I will give you that the phrase is more "dignified"....

[Wotname]

Hmm...'buried at sea' is correct.
One of the several meanings of 'bury' is 'cover completely'.
Fair chance that after getting chucked overboard, the body is completely covered by the sea.

[CatNewBee]

Hardships at sea...

[El Pinguino]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Here is an updated, and 'politically correct' version of an imaginary
conversation, between Vice-Admiral Horatio Nelson, and Captain of the Fleet, Thomas Hardy.

Scene: The Atlantic Ocean, off Trafalgar, south of Cadiz. Admiral Nelson is
about to engage the French and Spanish ships:

Nelson: 'Order the signal, Hardy.'

Hardy: 'Aye, aye sir.'

Nelson: 'Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?'

Hardy: 'Sorry sir?'

Nelson [reading aloud]: 'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion ordisability.' What gobbledegook is this?'

Hardy: 'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England...' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.'

Nelson: 'Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.'

Hardy: 'Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
working environments.'

Nelson: 'In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.'

Hardy: 'The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking.'

Nelson: 'Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
.............. full speed ahead.'

Hardy: 'I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch
of water.'

Nelson: 'Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please.'

Hardy: 'That won't be possible, sir.'

Nelson: 'What?'

Hardy: 'Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.'

Nelson: 'Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.'

Hardy: 'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral.'

Nelson: 'Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.'

Hardy: 'Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled.'

Nelson: 'Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.'

Hardy:
'Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of
visual impairment and limb deficiency.'

Nelson: 'Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.'

Hardy: 'A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?'

Nelson: 'I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.'

Hardy: 'The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.'

Nelson: 'What? This is mutiny!'

Hardy: 'It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.'

Nelson: 'Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?'

Hardy: 'Actually, sir, we're not.'

Nelson: 'We're not?'

Hardy: 'No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.

According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.'

Nelson: 'But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.'

Hardy: 'I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report.'

Nelson: 'You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.'

Hardy: 'Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life'

Nelson: 'Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy, and the lash?'

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a total ban on
all corporal punishment.'

Nelson: 'Oh dear, In that case ...
... kiss me, Hardy.'

Fixed it for you.

[toddster8]

Originally Posted by MicHughV

ah....cricket......just learning the names of the player's position is confusing:

#1: wicketkeeper.
#2: slip.
#3: gully.
#4: point.
#5: cover.
#6: third man.
#7: fine leg.
#8: mid-wicket.

And that is just the start...it would take w-a-a-a-y to long to explain the game to anyone......which in essence is trying to survive a guy bowling a rock hard ball to you at 100 mph, with full intent to either kill you or maim you for life, while you are dressed from head to toe in various armor.

When I played cricket in school, there was no armor, save for some leg pads, and a plastic cup to protect the family jewels. Suffice it to say, I did not catch on to this sport.

A test game between two nations can take several days to complete..despite the brutality of the bowler, watching paint dry is about the equivalent to watching as cricket game..

And we thank you for your sacrifice. Whenever I have to watch a baseball game, I think, “At least it’s not cricket!”
Plus they serve beer in gallon pails.

[GordMay]

*

[GordMay]

*