The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[D&D]

UK RAISES ALERT LEVEL
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent Russian threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. The Russians have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s Get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

[jeanathon]

What he/she/it said.

[Montanan]

Geez it has been over two years, now. Recalling the early Covid pandemic home isolation / quarantine humor:

Laughter is the Best Medicine

• Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
• I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
• I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
• Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
• PSA: Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
• Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
• I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
• This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
• So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
• Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
• My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
• Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
• I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
• I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Living room.
• Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
• Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

[StuM]

Yummy!

[CatNewBee]

Early prototype of WD40...

[GordMay]

[SailRN]

A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California , walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.


He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.


The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'


At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.


'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.


The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.


The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'


The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'


On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There was only $25 in your account.'


'I know, said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'


This is a joke. I do not condone misusing people, but I guess the guy didn't feel abused by the gold digger...

[GordMay]