The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[jeanathon]

Originally Posted by SailRN

Turnsignals

Sometimes I start to get pissed off at someone for not using a turn signal. Then I realize there is no kind of signal that would have prepared me for such a dumbass maneuver.

[GordMay]

Interviewer: So what are your strengths and weaknesses.
Me: I have a decent sense of humor, but my General Knowledge is not so good.

Interviewer: Ok, then tell us a joke.
Me: Knock Knock.

Interviewer: Who's there?
Me: 2nd US President.

Interviewer: 2nd US President who?
Me: Like I said, my General knowledge isn't so good.

[GordMay]

To no one in particular [because you wouldn't know who you are]:
If at first you don’t succeed, stop trying already. You’re probably dumb.
Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it, since you’re not that bright.

[ChrisJHC]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.

Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "Browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.

Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, and many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language stylus [AKA: PENCIL].

Not a joke but…

Many years ago, one of the big Sci Fi writers (I think it was Isaac Asimov) wrote a short story about people in the future who, after studying what computers did, were able to learn how to do basic arithmetic again.

Of course, all the experts declared it couldn’t be done until they were shown how.

The first thing they used it for was to create better weapons.
(Sorry for the spoiler, but it was probably written 40 years ago!)

[GILow]

Originally Posted by ChrisJHC

Not a joke but…

Many years ago, one of the big Sci Fi writers (I think it was Isaac Asimov) wrote a short story about people in the future who, after studying what computers did, were able to learn how to do basic arithmetic again.

Of course, all the experts declared it couldn’t be done until they were shown how.

The first thing they used it for was to create better weapons.
(Sorry for the spoiler, but it was probably written 40 years ago!)

It was a pretty dark story, if I recall correctly. Body count and all.

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by ChrisJHC

Not a joke but…

Many years ago, one of the big Sci Fi writers (I think it was Isaac Asimov) wrote a short story about people in the future who, after studying what computers did, were able to learn how to do basic arithmetic* again.

Of course, all the experts declared it couldn’t be done until they were shown how.

The first thing they used it for was to create better weapons.
(Sorry for the spoiler, but it was probably written 40 years ago!)

Isaac Asimov’s 1957 short story, “The Feeling of Power”.
➥ https://urbigenous.net/library/power.html
➥ http://mrsk.ca/EXTRA/writing-assignm...g-of-power.pdf

“... The general was saying, "Our goal is a simple one, gentlemen: the replacement of the computer. A ship that can navigate space without a computer on board can be constructed in one-- fifth the time and at one-tenth the expense of a computer-laden ship. We could build fleets five times, ten times, as great as Deneb could if we could but eliminate the computer ...”

* 'graphitics'

The body count was one.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by ChrisJHC

Not a joke but…

Many years ago, one of the big Sci Fi writers (I think it was Isaac Asimov) wrote a short story about people in the future who, after studying what computers did, were able to learn how to do basic arithmetic again.

Of course, all the experts declared it couldn’t be done until they were shown how.

The first thing they used it for was to create better weapons.
(Sorry for the spoiler, but it was probably written 40 years ago!)

The Feeling of Power (1958)
https://themathlab.com/writings/shor...es/feeling.htm

[BilgeRat]

To the guy who stole my antidepressants……

I hope you’re happy now.

[SailRN]

Computers...


To err is human...

To really foul things up requires a computer.

[SailRN]

Computers


If computers ever get too powerful, we can form them into a committee;
that'll do them in!

[SailRN]

[GordMay]

In US Presidential History:
Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth, and Trump could not tell the difference.

Now, for a quiz:

Q: Do politicians ever tell the truth?
A: Yes - when they call each other liars.

Q: What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?
A: 3 different answers.

Q: What do you call a man who never tells the truth, and marries a queen?
A: The lyin’ king.

[GordMay]

The Triple Filter

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day, the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher, and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was screwing around with his wife.

[GordMay]

The real truth about vaccines:
I got vaccinated as a kid.
As a result, I'm now starting to gray, and bald. My balding got so bad, I had to shave my head. I've also gained weight.
Because of vaccines, I have started aging, instead of dying as a baby.

[GordMay]

A Conservative found a magic genie's lamp, and rubbed it. The genie said, "I will grant you one wish."
He said, "I wish I were smarter".
So, the genie made him a Liberal.


Q: Why does Florida have so many Conservatives, and California have so many earthquakes?
A: California had first choice.