The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[carlosproa]

Originally Posted by Firemandivi

[El Pinguino]

My Roomba escaped when I left the front door open yesterday.

I fear it won't survive for long in the wild as nature abhors a vacuum.

[OutOfControl]

Hi, Morris. This is Saul, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.
- Saul.

Morris, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Saul dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Morris then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Saul.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Morris. Saul here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, hey? It'll be the death of us.

[carlosproa]

[El Pinguino]

Meanwhile - back in the bush

[Montanan]

[Montanan]

[Montanan]

Recalling an earlier time.

[Montanan]

Just saying.

[Montanan]

Summer's end is nearing. And so far . . .

[IslandHopper]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee".

[IslandHopper]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so

I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.

[CatNewBee]

Originally Posted by carlosproa

Attachment 263563

Reasonable, they can easier talk binary/hex straight away then.

[Firemandivi]

A little old woman walked into the bank. She was carrying a large bag full of money. She insisted on speaking with the bank manager to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money.” After a great deal of negotiating, the bank staff decided to humor her and finally ushered her into the manager’s office. The bank manager asked her how much she would like to deposit.
To his astonishment she replied, “$150,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag on to his desk.
The manager was curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Madam, it is a little unusual for someone to be carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?”
The old lady replied, “Gambling.”
The manager then asked, “Gambling? What kind of gambling?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.”
“Ahem!” coughed the bank manager, “If you don’t mind me saying so, that’s a rather silly bet. You can never win that kind of bet.”
The old lady challenged him, “So, would you like to take my bet?”
“If you insist,” said the bank manager.“I’ll be very happy to bet $25,000 that my testicles are not square!”
The little old woman said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. as a witness?”
“Certainly,” replied the bank manager.
That evening after work the bank manager started to have second thoughts about the bet and spent ages in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 a.m., the little old woman appeared with her lawyer at the bank manager’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the head of the bank and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the bank manager’s balls are square!” The banker agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, if you must,” said the bank manager, “$25,000 is a lot of money so you are entitled to be absolutely certain.”
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The bank manager said to the old lady, “What’s wrong with him?”
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10 a.m. today I would have the bank manager's balls in my hand."

[IslandHopper]

A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them."

'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."

"Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."