The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[Afrinus]

Yep, I can see why this offends...at least 70 million in the US...

Originally Posted by CatNewBee

Too many offensive monuments around.... Attachment 241916

[ArmyDaveNY]

An elderly lady walks in to a market and asks for a pound of potatoes, a pound of tomatoes, a pound of carrots, and a pound of onions. The young lad working there says that they are out of onions. She replies that's all right, she'll just take the pound of onions. The clerk says that she can have the potatoes, tomatoes, and carrots, but there are no onions. She apologizes and says to just giver her the carrots and onions. The young man says that she can have everything but the onions since they are out of those. She then says to just giver her the potatoes and onions.

This goes on for a few minutes when the man decides to try something new. He then says "What do you get if you take the to out of tomatoes?" She replies "Matoes." He says "Yes, and what do you get if you take the po out of potatoes?" She says "Tatoes." He next says "What do you get if you take the car out of carrots?" She replies "Rats." He says "Very good. Now, what do you get if you take the f%@k out of onions. She says "But sonny, there ain't no f#%k in onions." "That's what I've been trying to tell you!" he replies.

[GordMay]

I used to be the worst player on my football team, but then I moved to Canada.
Now I’m the worst player on my soccer team.

Q: What is football/soccer?
A: It has been described as a game with 22 players, two linesmen, and 20,000 referees.

Q: What’s the difference between a soccer referee and a politician?
A: When the referee gets paid, at least someone wins.

Q: What do you call a person who walks back and forth screaming one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next?
A: An English soccer coach.

Q: If you are locked inside a car, with nothing but a football. How do you get out?
A: Unlock the door and pull the handle.

Q: How did the soccer pitch end up as triangle?
A: Somebody took a corner!

Q: What’s the difference between the England soccer team, and a tea-bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Q: Why do so many Canadans play soccer?
A: So we don’t have to watch it on TV.

[SailRN]

Life Explained: The Difference Between Men and Women

[Tom_F]

[GordMay]

From the other side:

Q: How do you know if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

Q: Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands?
A: Because they always have to repeat themselves.

Advice to women: If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married, you can’t even change the television channel.


I was perusing the shelves at a bookstore, when a customer asked an employee where the birding section was.
After pointing it out, the employee asked, “Is there anything specific you’re looking for?”
“Yes,” said the customer. “My husband.”

[SailRN]

More Life Explained:

Women marry men hoping they'll change, but they don't.
Men marry women hoping they won't change, but they do.

[justlearnin]

Originally Posted by SailRN

More Life Explained:

Women marry men hoping they'll change, but they don't.
Men marry women hoping they won't change, but they do.

That's not funny... It's too real to be funny.

[GordMay]

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.
Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
Friend: “Why not?”
Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down”, in a soothing voice, is all it takes to get her
a lot more upset.

A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing.
The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you."
The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing.
He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question.
Nothing.
Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?"
She turns around and says
"For the THIRD time, beef stew!"

[carstenb]

The latest studies have revealed the 74.3% of men suck in their stomach when a pretty woman walks by on the beach.

Later studies revealed the rest lie.

[SailRN]

Life Explained:


Why do husbands always forget their mistakes?


Because there's no need for two people to remember the same thing...


.

[StuM]

Originally Posted by GordMay

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.
Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

ISTR this came up in a previous joke thread.

Get divorced or widowed and remarry within a year of your first marriage. Three people got married.

[MicHughV]

I've got it on good authority that the weaker sex is actually the stronger sex because of the weakness the stronger sex has for the weaker sex...

[MicHughV]

the most dreaded words any man can hear from a woman....

"you've got ten minutes, bucko, and your time starts now"....

[Montanan]

Bon voyage.