The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[IslandHopper]

Gallows Humour.

The Prefect of Rome executed Saint Lawrence in a great gridiron prepared with hot coals beneath it. He had Lawrence placed on it, hence St Lawrence's association with the gridiron. After the martyr had suffered pain for a long time, the legend concludes, he cheerfully declared: "I'm well done. Turn me over!" From this derives his patronage of cooks, chefs, and comedians.

In Edo period Japan, condemned criminals were occasionally executed by expert swordsmen, who used living bodies to test the quality of their blade (Tameshigiri). There is an apocryphal story of one who, after being told he was to be executed by a sword tester, calmly joked that if he had known that was going to happen, he would have swallowed large stones to damage the blade.

As Saint Thomas More climbed a rickety scaffold where he would be executed, he said to his executioner: "I pray you, Mr. Lieutenant, see me safe up; and for my coming down, let me shift for myself.

Robert-François Damiens, a French man who attempted to assassinate king Louis XV, was sentenced on March 26, 1757 to be executed in a gruesome and painstakingly detailed manner. He would first be led to the gallows, holding a torch with 2 lbs of burning wax. Pliers would then be used to tear his skin at the breast, arms and legs. Then his right arm, which held the knife he had used for his crime, would be burned with sulfur. The aforementioned areas with ripped skin would then be poured upon with molten lead, boiling oil, burning pitch, wax and sulfur. His body would then be dismembered by four horses, the members and trunk consumed in fire, and the ashes would be spread in the wind. After hearing the sentence, Damiens is reported to have replied: “Well, it's going to be a tough day."

During the French Revolution, Georges-Jacques Danton, who had facial scars from smallpox, when he was about to be beheaded with a guillotine on April 5, 1794, is reported to have said to the executioner: “Don't forget to show my head to the people, it's well worth it!"

Sir Walter Raleigh was beheaded in the Old Palace Yard at the Palace of Westminster on 29 October 1618. "Let us dispatch", he said to his executioner. "At this hour my ague comes upon me. I would not have my enemies think I quaked from fear." After he was allowed to see the axe that would behead him, he mused: "This is a sharp Medicine, but it is a Physician for all diseases and miseries." According to many biographers – Raleigh Trevelyan in his book Sir Walter Raleigh (2002) for instance – Sir Walter's final words (as he lay ready for the axe to fall) were: "Strike, man, strike!"

At his public execution, the murderer William Palmer is said to have looked at the trapdoor on the gallows and asked the hangman, "Are you sure it's safe?"

John Amery, hanged for treason in 1945, said to the executioner Albert Pierrepoint "I've always wanted to meet you, Mr. Pierrepoint, though not of course under these circumstances!"

Neville Heath was hanged for murder in 1946. A few minutes prior to his execution, as was the custom, Heath was offered a glass of whisky to steady his nerves by the prison governor. He replied, "While you're about it, sir, you might make that a double".

Gary Gilmore, convicted for murdering two people in Utah in 1976, was executed by firing squad. While facing the executioners, he told them, “Let’s do it.” Ironically, this became the inspiration for Nike’s slogan, “Just do it.”

[SailRN]

[Mirage35]

Like it or not, my mind works this way - some thread titles on CF seem to beg for an (in)appropriate response. A couple of recent examples:

"Looking into composting toilets"
How's the view?

"Water in the port tank"
That must dilute the port.

Anybody else have this reaction? Got any examples?

[GordMay]

The Guillotine was supposed to be ahead of its time.
It had cutting edge technology.

Especially for SailRN:
The guillotine was decent in theory.
But, amazing in execution.

[GordMay]

Test you’re knowledge, of the French military:

Q: Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?
A: To see the battle

Q: Why do French tanks have 6 gears?
A: 5 for reverse, 1 for forward, during parades.

Q: Why do French boats have glass bottoms?
A: So they can see the rest of their fleet.

Q: Why don't credit cards work in France?
A: They don't know how to say "CHARGE".

Q: What do you call a French man killed defending his country?
A: I don't know, it never happened.

[SailRN]

As the cart carrying the condemned prisoners arrived at the guillotine the preacher declared he would like to go first, ahead of the murderer and the engineer.


On the platform the preacher told the executioner that he wanted to be placed face-up so that he could see towards Heaven.


When the executioner pulled the lever the blade lurched, and then stopped.


This was seen as a sign of divine intervention and the preacher was freed.


Next came the murderer. Having seen the preacher's fortunate fate, the murderer also requested to be placed face-up.


The blade again failed to fall, and the murderer was freed.


Last came the engineer, and he too asked to be placed face-up. As he lay there looking up at the blade of the guillotine he shouted...


Wait! I think I see your problem!

[MicHughV]

At a couples counseling meeting, the speaker mentioned that most couples are so disconnected, that 85% of husbands don't even know their wives favorite flower...

Mick turned to his wife...and said " well, I'm not one of them....it's self-raising isn't it ?"

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure.
Good players are hard to find.


I’m always struck by the unbridled optimism of conspiracy theorists.
They have, seemingly, never tried to keep a dozen people quiet, while orgnising a surprise party.

[StuM]

Looking forward to the Fibonacci convention this year, it's supposed to be really special..

..and as big as the last two put together.

[CatNewBee]

Got new fenders...

[ArmyDaveNY]

Originally Posted by CatNewBee

Got new fenders... Attachment 242167

I was afraid you were going to string me along with this, but now that I see it, it strikes a chord with me. Come to think of it, do those Fenders seem a little high strung?

[BlueH2Obound]

Originally Posted by ArmyDaveNY

I was afraid you were going to string me along with this, but now that I see it, it strikes a chord with me. Come to think of it, do those Fenders seem a little high strung?

You're just stringing us along! You probably picked them up for a song.

[Uncle Bob]

https://www.cruisersforum.com/forums...1&d=1626492247

[Uncle Bob]

https://www.cruisersforum.com/forums...1&d=1626492315