The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by GILow

There are, but for a small price I will destroy the originals.

For a slightly higher price I will destroy (most of) the copies

[GordMay]

Remember: Old sailors never die, they just get a little dinghy.

A very nervous first-time crew member says to the skipper, “Do boats like this sink very often?”
“Not too often,” replied the skipper. “Usually it’s only the once.”

[chrisr]

I asked a supermarket worker where they kept the canned peaches. He said, "I'll see" and walked away.

He never came back. When I saw another supermarket worker, I asked him. He said, "I'll see" and walked away. He never came back either.

I got tired of waiting and started looking up and down every aisle. I finally found them.

They were in Aisle C.

cheers,

[Montanan]

Parental guidance.

[GordMay]

If I had ten cents, for every math exam I failed, I would have $7.43.

Some day, I’d like to be a fiction writer.
So, I’m studying journalism.

[GordMay]

A NASA scientist walks into a bar, and orders a beer.

“How’s work going?” the bartender asks.

“It’s frustrating. We’ve been studying the planet Mars, and trying to figure out how it went from having a warm and wet habitat, to a cold and dry one,” the scientist says. “So far, we don’t have an answer.”

“Maybe it got married?” the bartender replies.

[chrisr]

We visited our newly married daughter, who was preparing her first Thanksgiving dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink with a dish drainer inverted over the bird. I asked why a drainer covered the turkey.

Our daughter turned to my wife and said, “Mom, you always did it that way.”

“Yes,” my wife replied, “but you don’t have a cat!”

cheers,

[chrisr]

A Scotsman met his English work colleague and friend in the morning.

The Scotsman said I walked past your house last night.

The Englishman said

‘Thank you’.

cheers,

[chrisr]

These are actual complaints received by "Thomas Cook Vacations" from dissatisfied customers:

"They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

"We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

"The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

"No one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

"Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg slicer in the drawers."

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guidebook during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom, and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers, and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

"When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

"We had to line up outside to catch the boat, and there was no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

and my favourite...

"My fiancée and I requested twin beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

cheers,

[bobnlesley]

Originally Posted by OutOfControl

...my son, he trains dolphins and he will know what to do."

I train Seals, Navy Seals.....NOT dolphins!"

That's what Glynn meant:
many years ago I travelled through the Indian subcontinent and found that every hotel on check-in required Name/Address/DOB/passport Number plus occupation. Looking back through the guest register you saw quite a variety of perhaps not always accurate ones listed; one chap, who I subsequently met and remain friends with still, always registered as a Dolphin Trainer.

[Montanan]

It's really hard to sail without much wind
Even though everyone says it's a breeze.




I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day.
Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

[Montanan]

I know a lady called Sue who makes sails.

Genoa ?

[Montanan]

The radio host sailed to the same part of the ocean each year.

It was his frequent sea

[Montanan]

I read a study that sailing in Finland is mostly done by women

If a man takes the helm, they're afraid that Helsinki

[Montanan]

A pirate walks in a bar with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch
The bar tender says “wow how’d you get that peg leg?” The pirate says one day I was out sailing and a shark jumped aboard and tore it clean off” next the bartender asks “and the hook? How’d you get that?” The pirate responds “well we were out whaling and one leapt out of the water and bit my hand clean off” the bartender then asks, “ok so what about the eyepatch??” The pirate responds “I was out walking on the deck of my ship when I looked up and a seagull **** right in my eye” the bartender is a bit confused and says “that made you lose your eye?”

“No” says the pirate “it was my first day with the hook!”