The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[Tom_F]

Attachment 282178

[chrisr]

was doing some light reading today and came across some quotes from george bernard shaw the irish playwright. not totally jokes but most will raise a wry smile...

1.Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open."

2."You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?'"

3."There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it."

4. "Statistics are like bikinis: what they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital."

5. "Marriage is an alliance between two people, one who never knows why, and the other who never knows how."

6. "Marriage is an institution that allows two people to endure together the troubles they wouldn't have had if they had remained single."

7. "Common sense is the most widely shared thing in the world: everyone thinks they are well supplied with it."

8. "The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence."

cheers,

[chrisr]

i don't generally go for military humour (what's funny about killing people ?) but i do really love the finns so here you go...

"A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill :

"One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian".

The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian."

Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill, and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence.

The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!”

The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill.

Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets, and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought...

Then silence.

Eventually, one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander:

"Don't send any more men... it's a trap. There's two of them!


cheers,

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

There is a woman in a boat, on a lake, wearing a coat. If you want to know her name, it’s in the riddle I just wrote.
What’s her name?

[BlueH2Obound]

Good one! But nowadays, you substitute Ukrainian for Finn!

Originally Posted by chrisr

i don't generally go for military humour (what's funny about killing people ?) but i do really love the finns so here you go...

"A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill :

"One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian".

The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian."

Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill, and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence.

The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!”

The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill.

Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets, and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought...

Then silence.

Eventually, one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander:

"Don't send any more men... it's a trap. There's two of them!


cheers,

[Seaworthy Lass]

Originally Posted by GordMay

There is a woman in a boat, on a lake, wearing a coat. If you want to know her name, it’s in the riddle I just wrote.
What’s her name?

There is an odd name for a woman .

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by Seaworthy Lass

There is an odd name for a woman .

Indeed, it is!

[GordMay]

News:

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

When all else fails; carefully* read the instructions:

After my first attempt to make a cake, the fireman told me that, when it says to grease the bottom of the pan, they actually meant to say, the inside of the pan.

Then, I was baking a premade pie, and the instructions told me to put it in the oven, at 180 degrees.
Not sure i'll try this recipe again, as turning the oven, upside down, was a real back breaker.

The instructions on my microwave meal say: "stir and recover"
How exhausting do they think stirring pasta is?

* But, not necessarily, literally.


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