The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[Montanan]

"I'm as hungry as a guy who is bad at making analogies."

[Montanan]

If you're American when you go in the bathroom…

… and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?


European

[dfelsent]

A day late I know.

[Montanan]

Where do boats go when they're sick?

To the dock.

[Montanan]

Beware Dad Jokes:

Dogs can't operate MRI machines - but cats-can.


If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?

[GordMay]

An old sailor once told me you could hear the calm before the storm.
He said, it sounded like a C flat.

Q: What do you call iron, blowing in the wind?
A: Fe-Breeze.

Q: How does wind get fit?
A: Air Conditioning.

Q: What’s the difference between weather and climate?
A: You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.

Q: What happens when fog lifts, in California?
A: UCLA.

Q: Why shouldn't you smoke weed, during a thunder storm?
A: Because lightning often strikes the highest object.

[chrisr]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are scaffolding workers eating their lunch. The Englishman opens his lunch box and cries out,

“Bangers and Mash! I’ve had this every day for a month now. If I get bangers and mash again I’ll throw myself into the street below.”

The Scotsman opens his lunch box and cries out,

“Haggis! I’ve had this every day for a month now. If I get haggis again I’ll throw myself into the street below.”

The Irishman opens his lunch box and cries out,

“Potatoes! I’ve had them every day for a month now. If I get potatoes again I’ll throw myself into the street below.”

The following day the Englishman opens his lunch box.

“Bangers and mash!” he shouts, and promptly jumps to his death.

Then the Scotsman opens his lunch box.

“Haggis!” he shouts, and promptly jumps to his death.

Then the Irishman opens his lunch box.

“Potatoes!” he shouts, and promptly jumps to his death.

Later that day the site foreman meets with the bereaved widows of the three men and explains what happened.

“If I’d only known John didn’t like bangers and mash every day,” weeps the Englishman’s widow.

“If I’d only known Andy didn’t like haggis every day,” weeps the Scotsman’s widow.

“Don’t look at me,” say the Irishman’s widow. “Paddy always makes his own lunch.”

cheers,

[chrisr]

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are wandering through the desert.

The Englishman is carrying an umbrella, the Scotsman a cucumber and the Irishman is carrying a car door.

After a while, they come across a Bedouin who asks the Englishman why he’s carrying an umbrella. The Englishman says, “I say old bean, what? In the desert, when it gets too hot, I can put my umbrella up and it give me shade, dontcha know?” The Bedouin says, “Oh, right,” and moves on.

He then asks the Scotsman why he’s got a cucumber. The Scotsman says, “Och aye, Jimmy the noo, in the desert, when it gets too hot, I can cut slices of ma cucumber and put them on ma face to cool me doon, the noo, Jimmy”. The Bedouin says, “Ah, I see and he moves on.

He then approaches the Irishman and asks why he’s got a car door. The Irishman says, “Oh, bejaysus and begorrah, it’s like dis, in de desert, when it gets too hot, I can wind de window down and stick me head out…”

cheers,

[GordMay]

Some nautical trivia:

Most billionaires are really just rounded up millionaires.
The haves, and the have yachts.

Famed pirates Anne Bonny and Mary Read would board ships with their breasts exposed, to distract and intimidate enemy sailors.
It had no effect on their own crew, because pirates only care about booty.

3.14% of sailors are...
π-rates.

Q: What do Sperm Banks and sailboats have in common?
A: Practically nothing.

[chrisr]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said, "Heavens no, we bought it."

He said, "Then why don't you drive it away".

Each of the women said, "We can't drive".

The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?"

They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.

cheers,

[GordMay]

In the USA:
9/11 was a national tragedy.
So is 11/9.


They say comedy = Tragedy + Time.
So I started giving away watches, at disasters.

[GordMay]

The year is 2100.
Earth has been ravaged, by a variety of natural and man-made disasters. All the flatlands are now seabeds, after the ice caps have melted. Most of the planet's land is barren wasteland. Barely any oxygen is produced, and most animal life has died out.
All you can hear is cockroaches ...
and The Rolling Stones 2100 Tour.

[GordMay]

I had to remove the battery, from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache, and making me feel sick.

[GordMay]

Ford is creating a new company, to manufacture electric vehicles, using Tesla software and batteries.
They're naming it Edison.

Honda is coming out with the 1st electric vehicle, with wireless charging.
It’s called the Honda Accordless

Apple is set to release their new electric smart car, in 2024.
It will be the first apple product, with windows.
When their cars are finally out in the market for sale, it will be fully autonomous. The steering wheel is optional. It will be sold separately for $5,000.

If Dodge made an electric car...
Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable?

If I flip my new Nissan electric car ...
Am I turning over a new Leaf?

[GordMay]

If you want to be a General Motors engineer, your memory needs to be perfect.
You have to recall everything.


General Motors finally solved their workplace diversity dilemma.
There are equal numbers of black, white, brown, red, yellow, and orange robots. Half the robots have penises drawn on them.