The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[JoeRobertJr]

Free shaving kit.

[Lodesman]

Originally Posted by JoeRobertJr

Free shaving kit.

What an awful movie. I actually saw that with a bunch of boaters - in Annapolis. If we all weren't such cheapskates, we would have walked out.

[GordMay]

Q: What's the difference between a Texas energy company, and a Dumpster Fire?
A: A Dumpster Fire creates affordable light and heat.

Q: If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant; what's on the out side?
A: K9P.

Q: It the event of a fire, what steps should you take?
A: Really large ones.

[GordMay]

x



x

[Montanan]

[carstenb]

Originally Posted by Montanan

Unbelievably the studio that made the show got lettets from viewers asking them why, since they had camera crews on the island, they didn’t just rescue them?

[Uncle Bob]

https://www.cruisersforum.com/forums...1&d=1700516721

[D&D]

Words of wisdom...?

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend… But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[Mirage35]

Re number 27:

If a man with experience meets a man with money, the man with experience gets the money and the man with money gets the experience.

Mark Twain, I believe.

[chrisr]

this is an aussie / kiwi joke. let me if you others in the back can't keep up

"An Aussie walks up to a Kiwi and asks: is that your dog?

Kiwi: "Yep."

Aussie: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "Dog dont talk Bro."

Aussie: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (Look of shock!)

Aussie: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" (Pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep."

Aussie: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (Look of total disbelief)

Aussie: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Horse dont talk bro.”

Aussie: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Kiwi: (Extreme look of shock!)

Aussie: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Kiwi)

Horse: "Yep."

Aussie: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Kiwi: (Look of total amazement)

Aussie: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: "That sheep's a ****ing liar bro!”

cheers,

[Buzzman]

In a simlar vein - 'Why do Kiwi farmers f*** their ship on the edge of a cluff?'
A: Because the sheep push back harder...


Apologies to my Kiwi brethren. I think I heard this joke in the Eighties.....

[GordMay]

This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for a stroll around the marina, and I noticed a man running down the dock, toward me, dressed in Islamic clothing, who shouted "Allah be praised!", and "Death to all Infidels!", when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat, because of the weight of all the explosives he was carrying, and I knew that If he didn't get help, he would surely drown!

Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the moral code, that requires a person to help those in distress, I contacted the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security, and even the Fire Department!

It is now 11:00 AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded.

I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps.

[GordMay]

A firehouse got a call about a pub.
The firemen rushed there, to see the place ablaze. They could hear someone calling for help from inside. Two of them ran in to see a sailor, trapped under debris. They were able to pull him out, as the rest of them fought the fire. One of his rescuers asked how the fire started. The sailor looked up at him, and said,
"I don't know, it was like this when I got here."

[GordMay]

For any Five Man Electrical Band fans:


Can't you read the sign?

[GordMay]

The latest scientific study on polar bears was just published.
The study noted that loss of habitat, in the north pole, has caused some bears to migrate to the south pole, and also a severe increase in the number of manic/depressive symptoms, in the bears studied. Due to lowering numbers, many bears were expressing sexual behaviours, towards other bears, of both sexes.

We may soon have a explosion in the number of bi-polar, bipolar, bi, polar bears.