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Montanan · 23-11-2023, 08:50

Wishing a Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Thanksgiving jokes:

What do you say to the winner of the corn shucking contest? Corn-gratulations.
How many pastry chefs does it take to make a pie? 3.14.
Why are Thanksgiving bread jokes always funny? Because they never get mold.
What did the mashed potatoes say to the sweet potatoes? I yam what I yam!
Why did the cornbread get in trouble? It wouldn't stop loafing around.
What do you call a baker who only makes pies? The Pie-oneer Woman.
What did one pumpkin pie say to the other? "You wanna piece of me?"
Why should you never tell secrets in a cornfield? Because the corn has ears.
What did Dad say when he was asked to say grace? "Grace."
How'd the Thanksgiving cheese plate go over? Everyone was grateful.
What do sweet potatoes wear to bed? Yammies.
What did the Thanksgiving turkey say to the Christmas ham? Nice to meat you.
What do you call a sad cranberry? A blueberry.
What do you need to make Thanksgiving s'mores? Pil-grahams.
Do you know where you can get turkey stock in bulk? The stock market.
What did the president say when presented with a poorly cooked turkey? “Is it too late for a pardon?”
What does grandma say when you burn the holiday meal? Oh, good gravy!
How did you find grandma’s turkey this year? I just looked next to the gravy.
Why did the cranberries turn red? Because they saw the turkey dressing.
What side dish do you bring for Thanksgiving dinner when you accidentally sat on the sweet potatoes? Squash casserole.
Why should you never set the turkey next to the dessert? Because he will gobble, gobble it up!
What is a turkey's favorite dessert? Peach gobbler!
Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive? It had 24 carrots.
What role do green beans play in Thanksgiving dinner? The casse-role.
How did the salt and pepper welcome all the guests? By saying, "Seasoning's greetings!"
What vegetables would you like with your Thanksgiving dinner? Beets me!
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving? Because you far exceeded your feed limit.

jeanathon · 27-11-2023, 05:15

And those ^^^^^ were so bad no one has posted for 4 days.

**GordMay** · 27-11-2023, 05:20

Some Definitions:
Criminal: A person with predatory instincts, who has not sufficient capital, to form a corporation.
Capital Punishment: Killing people, who kill people, to prove that killing people is wrong.
Insider trading: Stealing too fast.
Kleptomaniac: A person who helps himself, because he can't help himself.
Mugger: A benevolent citizen of the streets, who frequently spares the lives of total strangers, in exchange for any cash and valuables, in their possession.
Mugging: Stealing someone's coffee.
I-witness: One who sees a crime, in an Apple store.
Vigilante: An ant, which sees things.
Mafiososo: A mediocre member of organized crime.
Battery: The crime, that the Energizer Bunny committed.

jeanathon · 27-11-2023, 15:52

Okay. Perhaps it was a good thing that no one posted for awhile!

**GordMay** · 28-11-2023, 03:04

Q: What STD do sailors get the most?
A: Merm-aids.

Q: What do you call a sailor who'll never let you see him cry?
A: A private-tear.

Q: What did the Shanghaied sailor say to the bosun?
A:: "Well, I'm impressed."

Q: What would you call Popeye The sailor man, if he was a camera man?
A: Popeye DSLR Man.

Q: What do you call it, when a sailor loses his virginity?
A: First mate.

Q: What did the sailor say to the prostitute?
A: It was a business doing pleasure with you.

Q: When is a sailor made of wood?
A: When he's a board.

Q: Why do sailors bring diapers on shore leave?
A: They’re worried, about being in continent.

Fun Fact: When Canadians work on board cruise ships, they need to get a document, from the Canadian government, called a Seaman’s Discharge Book.

Which is useless, because all the pages are stuck together.

**GordMay** · 28-11-2023, 03:07

**GordMay** · 28-11-2023, 04:22

Mental illness runs in my family. Which, is sort of weird, because my parents weren’t very athletic.

I’ve never had paranoid delusions. Somebody told me I did, but I know they’re lying.

However, I do have psychotic breaks [no - my car doesn’t stop at all delusions], from time to time, which are very different than coffee breaks. You don’t get paid for psychotic breaks.

I also have a weird mental health issue, where I have to get out, and pull my car, every time I go through a tunnel.
It's car-pull tunnel syndrome.

senormechanico · 28-11-2023, 09:32

All right, WHO GAVE GORD THE "DAD JOKE" BOOK ??

**tkeithlu** · 28-11-2023, 11:46

I wonder if we've just seen the psychological origin of patricide?

**GordMay** · 29-11-2023, 02:06

Quote:

Originally Posted by senormechanico

All right, WHO GAVE GORD THE "DAD JOKE" BOOK ??

People used to laugh at me, when I would say; "I want to be a comedian".
Well, nobody's laughing now.

**GordMay** · 29-11-2023, 02:34

Another Quiz:

Q: If killing your father is patricide, and killing your mother is matricide, what is it called, when you kill your spouse?
A: Pesticide.*

Q: What is it called when you murder a friend?
A: Homiecide.

Q: What's a difference, between a crusade and a homicide?
A: In one, you murder for a book, and in other, you are booked for a murder.

Q: What is it called, when Santa runs someone down, with his sleigh?
A: A Ho-Ho-Homicide.

Q: What is it called, when you run over a worm?
A: Vermicular homicide

Things I wonder about:

If you commit a 1st degree murder, in Canada ...
is it a 34 degree murder, in the US?

If killing a man is a homicide ...
is killing a Swiss person, a suicide?

FWIW:
I witnessed an actual murder, in real life, and didn't tell anyone about it.
Crows are common in my area, so it wasn't a big deal.

*"uxoricide" https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/uxoricide

**GordMay** · 30-11-2023, 03:31

If a man talks dirty to a woman, that’s sexual harassment.
If a woman talks dirty to a man …
… that’s $7 a minute.

**GordMay** · 30-11-2023, 05:14

A Water Quiz:

Q: What do you get when you throw a billion books into the ocean?
A: A title wave.

Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H2O cubed.

Q: If H20 is water, what is H204?
A: Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming…

Q: What state does the Mississippi River flow in?
A: Liquid.

Q: What's the best cure for water on the knee?
A: A tap on the ankle.

Q: What keeps the ocean intact, and does not let the water leak out?
A: The seals.

Q: What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A: A rain of terror.