The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[chrisr]

groan...all those in favour of taking away gord's keyboard say "aye"...



cheers,

[JPA Cate]

...eye?...

[Joh.Ghurt]

An eye for an eye? That goes back to Babylonian times, when nobody understood each other because of some tower of power.

[GordMay]

Q: What happens if you violate the ban on wordplay?
A: Pun-ishment.

[jeanathon]

Those puns deserve punishment!

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by Joh.Ghurt

An eye for an eye? ...

Originally Posted by jeanathon

Those puns deserve punishment!

Perhaps, I’ve already been punnished.
I just found out, I am colour blind.
It hit me, right out of the purple!

"An Eye for an eye" goes back to [at least] the bible’s period of Moses’ “Exodus” [21:24]: around the thirteenth century BCE, at the time of Ramses II, or the twelfth century BCE, at the time of Ramses III.

[Bullshooter]

Originally Posted by senormechanico

"Hello? Debbie? Yeah, Debbie's here, Who's this? Well, Ralph, uh, Debbie can't talk right now..........I'll have her call you back when I'm through."

"I love wrong numbers!"

OK truth to tell. I actually met Danny DeVito, he was pitching a brand of Lemoncello at a grocery store here in New Orleans. I had to wait in line to speak to him. I quoted part of that line to him and got a laugh out of him.

By the way, you artfully managed to omit the most inappropriate part of that line from Ruthless People. Nicely done.

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by Bullshooter

... By the way, you artfully managed to omit the most inappropriate part of that line from Ruthless People. Nicely done.

The scene makes much more sense, and is funnier, in full context:
Danny DeVito as Sam Stone:
➥ https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091877...ters/nm0000362

[GordMay]

Upon reexamination, groundbreaking new research suggests a new theory of dinosaur extinction.
Traffic accidents.
Amongst the thousands of dinosaurs unearthed, not one has been found, wearing a seat belt.

Observational humour isn't funny.
See?

[carstenb]

no explanation needed

[GordMay]

Gravity is really important, as a fundamental force of nature.
But if you get rid of it, you get gravy.

At one time, a falling Apple lead to the Theory of Gravity.
Now, it's just a broken iPhone.

FWIW: Sir Isaac Newton was completely WRONG about apples.
They don't fall to the ground, because of gravity.
It's natural selection.
Trees, that produce apples that fall upwards, don't have offspring.

Q: Why is gravity so cheap?
A: It's mass-produced.

[GordMay]

This morning, I got in touch with my inner self.
I'm never using cheap one-ply toilet paper again.

[GordMay]

Q: What type of writing makes the most money?
A: Ransom notes.

I'm writing a book, on how tornadoes and hurricanes develop.
At the moment it's just a draft.

I had to create a report, on how wind energy is produced.
It was a breeze.

I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'
If no one buys it, I'm going to kill myself.

I just finished writing my book on penguins.
My publisher said: it would've been better, if I'd written it on paper.

I've just finished writing a script, for a film titled "American Schools".
Shooting starts soon.

I’m currently writing this from the hospital.
But, don’t worry! Doctors said I should be fine.
However, I feel I should warn you, that the “Dyson Ball Cleaner”, has a very misleading name.

[GordMay]

I've been getting into astronomy, so, I installed a skylight.
The people, who live above me, are furious.

Did you know that Brian May, the guitarist from British rockband Queen, has a PhD in Astrophysics?
Yeah, he started his schooling before Queen formed, and achieved his PhD in 2007. One of his dissertations is heavily criticized, by the science community, though, and it's because he has an odd theory of what causes the Earth's rotation.
You see, he thinks that 'Fat Bottomed Girls make the Rockin World go round.'
And, he called Mercury a star.

Astronomers detected radio signals, from the same source, 1.5 billion light years away.
And I can't get a damn WiFi connection, on my boat.

Swedish astronomer Andres Celcius died in 1744, at the age of 43.
Though, his rival, Fahrenheit, was convinced he was 103.

Zero, and its operation, were first defined by Hindu astronomer, and mathematician, Brahmagupta, in 628.
Thanks, for nothing.

[GordMay]

God says to the angel Gabriel: "I'm going to create a land called Canada."

"And Canada will be one of the largest and wealthiest in the world, stretching from the Arctic circle to the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, with breathtaking natural beauty and vast natural resources.

And Canada will have a rich cultural heritage, and its people will be renowned all over the world for their kindness and politeness."

The angel Gabriel says to God: "Wow, this Canada sounds amazing! Aren't you worried that this land will be so great that it will make the other countries jealous?"

God chuckled, and said "Nah, wait until you see the climate I give them!"