The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[D&D]

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance."

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you ever noticed that the Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs"

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

May you always have:
Love to share,
Cash to spare,
Tires with air,
And friends who care.

[Uncle Bob]

https://www.cruisersforum.com/forums...1&d=1702531749

[Firemandivi]

[chrisr]

A Scottish guy wanted a donkey for his young son....he spotted an advert for one for sale so went along to have a look at it.

When he got to the farm the farmer told him.

'I'm really sorry...I'm afraid the donkey died last night'...

'OK....so how much are yee asking for it'?

'Sorry? I just told you it's dead'!

‘Aye...I heerd yee...so how much d'yee want fer it'?

Very patiently the guy explains very slowly.

'The....donkey...is ...dead'.

'AYE...I heerd yee!...Look...I'll give yee £20.00 for it...noo is it a deal or no'?

So the farmer asks ( as you might ).

'what the hell are you going to do with a dead donkey'?

'I'll sell it'!...

'b..b...you can't sell a dead donkey'!

'Watch me'.

So he loads up the dead donkey and goes on his way.

A month or so later the farmer bumped into the guy at the local market.

'How did you get on with the Donkey'?

'I did very well...I got over £6000.00 fer it'!

'WHAT!? How the hell did you do that'!?

'I sold raffle tickets at £10.00 each...I sold 650 of 'em'!

'Sweet Jesus!...didn't anybody complain that the poor bugger was dead'?

'Aye...the guy that won did...so I gave him a refund'.


hmmm...wonder if that would work with a boat ?

cheers,

[GordMay]

There are a lot of scams, on the internet, these days.
Send me $19.95, today, and I can tell you how to avoid them.

I got scammed, on eBay, yesterday.
I ordered a pound of cure.
The box they sent me, only contained an ounce of prevention.

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video, that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ.
Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

Warning: scam
Some dude is selling what he calls an "Elixir for Immortality" in town. He came to me, suspiciously, with some of those bottles, but I refused, and contacted the police.
They said they've already arrested him multiple times for it.
Last year, then also in 2003, and in 1975, 1912, 1875 and 1813.

[GordMay]

Fun Facts:

The fact that there is a ‘highway to hell’, and only a ‘staircase to heaven’ ...
Says a lot, about anticipated traffic numbers.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their bodies, and men are so polite, that they only look at the covered parts!

If every human stood, in a single file line, around the equator, most of them would drown.

Until about 1930, Brazil was known officially as the United States of Brazil, or USB.
So, does that mean that Rio de Janeiro was a USB port?

[REDACTED]


Ten Facts, about you:
1.You're reading this
2.You think that's stupid
4.You didn't notice I missed out 3
5.Now your checking it
6.Now you're getting upset
8.You didn't notice I missed out 7
9.Now your checking
10.Your wondering how many times you can fall or the same trick
11.You didn't notice there's only supposed to be 10 facts.
12.There are only 10 facts.

[GordMay]

My wife says: that I could start a debate, in an empty room.

The other day I was in a heated debate, about circles.
It was a pointless argument.

I was on the debate team, in high school.
My best subject was about math. People still say: I was the best math debater.

I can’t believe the way they used the Childrens Health Insurance Program. during the budget debate...
It was like a bargaining CHIP.

My wife and I had a huge argument, last week. She called me gullible, and financially irresponsible.
I can't wait to see the look on her face, when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!

[Adelie]

Originally Posted by chrisr

groan...all those in favour of taking away gord's keyboard say "aye"...



cheers,

Nay!!!

[GordMay]

A three year old boy examined his testicles, while taking a bath.
"Mum," he asked. "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet!" she replied.

Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis.
LADDER. I MEANT LADDER.

I ordered a chicken and an egg, from Amazon.
I'll let you know...

[GordMay]

A boy and a man, sit on a couch, together.
The boy says to the man, "Yeah, well, I didn’t believe in reincarnation, when I was your age, either."

[GordMay]

Q: What happened, after the U.S. imposed the death penalty, for banking-related crypto fraud?
A: Bank-Man fried!

I'm always suspicious, of people, who use AutoCAD.
They always seem to be plotting something.

[HopCar]

“I ordered a chicken and an egg, from Amazon.
I'll let you know...[/QUOTE]

I actually did that. They came in the same box. Just thought you should know.

[jeanathon]

Originally Posted by HopCar

“I ordered a chicken and an egg, from Amazon.
I'll let you know...

I actually did that. They came in the same box. Just thought you should know.[/QUOTE]
You know how you have Barbie and the Ken doll, but no baby dolls? It's because Ken came in a different box.

[GordMay]

Previously unknown historical facts:

Pharoahs were buried, with their hands crossed their chest, because it was a historical belief, there would be countless water slides, in the after life.

We thought it was our ability to love, that made us human.
But, it turns out, it was, actually, our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A BOAT.

God Has a Sense of Humour:
God told men they would find faithful and obedient wives, in all the corners of the Earth.
Then, men discovered that the Earth is round, and God laughed and laughed.

I thought J. Robert Oppenheimer was a theoretical physicist.
It turns out, he actually existed.

Who would have thought ...
One day, I would be smoking weed, at a family gathering, and the illegal part would be the family gathering?

The man who invented Auto-Correct has suddenly past away...
His funfair is next monkey...

Q: Do you know what happens to those who ignore the past?
A: They usually fail their history exam.

[dfelsent]

Neighbour told me, "The kids kept finding their Christmas presents that we had hidden in the closet and under the bed. So wife suggested that the only thing to do was put them up in the attic...
I can still hear them crying though."