The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[carstenb]

To quote Dave Barry

How to sail a sailboat

1- Figure out where you want to go
2- Wherever it is - do NOT point your boat in that direction
3- Aim the boat in some other direction
4- Trust me this is how sailboaters do it
4- They are also heavy drinkers

[GordMay]

A blonde, a red head, and a brunette, were competing in the Huron River Breast Stroke Championships.
The redhead won, and the brunette came in second.

However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by, causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived. The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl, as she came ashore.

After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a sore loser, but I think those other girls used their arms."

[jeanathon]

Yea!!!!
Gord got a new joke book for Christmas!^^^^^^

[jeanathon]

Jesus Christ was originally supposed to be named Gary, but then Mary stubbed her toe.

[GordMay]

I don’t like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

[Tom_F]

[senormechanico]

https://xkcd.com/2871/#

[GordMay]

I was faced with a Christmas dilemma.
If I told Santa what I really wanted for Christmas, then I’d definitely be on the naughty list.

FWIW: I think Christmas should be moved to January.
The stores are less crowded, and everything is on sale.

Kid: "Mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?"
Mother: "Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy."

Q: What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?
A: Anything you want. He can’t hear you.

Q:You know what’s so great about this time of year?
A: You can slam your laptop shut, when your partner walks into the room, and you don’t get any disgusted looks.

Q: What’s the most disappointing thing, for a man, on Christmas morning?
A: When you get a sweater, but were hoping for a screamer, or a moaner.

On a serious note: If anybody knows of any lonely people, who will be eating Christmas dinner alone, because they have no family or close friends, can you let me know?
I need to borrow some chairs.

[chrisr]

in the spirit of Gord ;

Q what do you call a penguin in the desert ?
A lost


Q why did the chewing gum cross the road ?
A because it was struck to the chicken


cheers,

[jeanathon]

Originally Posted by chrisr

in the spirit of Gord ;

Q what do you call a penguin in the desert ?
A lost


Q why did the chewing gum cross the road ?
A because it was struck to the chicken


cheers,

Well in case you didn't notice. Gord has upped his game!
But in the theme of bad jokes...
Did you know that Jesus Christ was going to be named Gary, but then Mary stubbed her toe....

[chrisr]

well if you're looking for bad jokes, i've got some more ;

Q what do you call a line of men outside a barbershop ?
A a barber-que


Q how do you a jacket last ?
A make the trousers first


warning...i have more !! i'll use them if i have too...

cheers,

[ChrisJHC]

We used to live next to a lingerie model who bathed topless.
My wife was upset, but I’m on the fence!

[jeanathon]

Saying, "I am sorry" is the same thing as saying "I apologize". Unless you're at a funeral.

[senormechanico]

What's the name of that Christmas song that goes, "The least knobby dot"?


(Trying to outdo Gord...)

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by jeanathon

Saying, "I am sorry" is the same thing as saying "I apologize". Unless you're at a funeral.

Q: How do you find a Canadian, in a room full of people?
A: Start stepping on toes, until one apologizes.

Some examples of Canadian apologies:

When someone bumps into YOU on the street
You’re standing there minding your own business, and then somebody slams into you with the force of a charging bison. “Oh I’m so sorry I was innocently standing here in your direct trajectory, and that you didn’t have the foresight to stop yourself from making full body contact.” I literally do this ALL the time. The worst part is that I’m entirely sincere about it. “I’m so sorry I was in your way!”

When you’re literally helping someone else out
Maybe you’re walking down the street, behind a person just minding his or her own business. And then a piece of paper, or a wallet, or something insignificant drops out of their pocket. You retrieve it quickly from the ground, rush up to the person, and say: “Sorry mister, you dropped your wallet!” As if you need to apologize for not robbing them blind or simply ignoring the dropped object, lest it be a trap.

When the inconvenience is such a minor one, it hardly warrants a reaction at all
You’re at a crowded bus stop. Someone stands up from the bench, and you move in.
“Sorry, is this seat available?”
“No, I’m just stretching my legs.”
“Oh, sorry.”
How terribly inconvenient of you, to pose a harmless question! To be fair, most people seem to appreciate it. Politeness is hard to come by sometimes, after all.

In Canada, we say "sorry" so often, that eight Provinces had to make “apology laws”, to [literally] limit the liabilities of chronic apologisers.
By adopting apology legislation, most Canadian jurisdictions [AB, BC, MB,
NL, NU, ON, PE, SK] now explicitly preclude parties from relying on an apology, as evidence of liability in civil matters. The provincial apology laws are predominantly based on the Uniform Law Conference of Canada Uniform Apology Act.


Saying "sorry", as a reflex, renders it an, essentially, meaningless courtesy.
Sometimes, we say "sorry" and mean something more like: "I'm especially sorry to encounter so much human idiocy in you, a person who I am not actually inclined to aggravate right now."