Visit our Popular Forums

**GordMay** · 30-12-2023, 03:07

To: Whoever lost an iPhone 15 Pro Max, on the dock, yesterday ...
Can you please stop calling my new phone?

**GordMay** · 30-12-2023, 03:51

We were cruising the S. Pacific, and we were hit by a gigantic wave, and the boat sank.
I woke up on a sugar sand beach, with gigantic cotton candy clouds, filling the sky, and the sea glistened under the setting sun, like a pool of honey, next to me was a volleyball, that looked like a marshmallow. Towering above me was a gigantic volcano, that looked like an upside down ice cream cone.

It was then, that my worst fears were realized - that I was trapped on a dessert Island.

**GordMay** · 30-12-2023, 03:53

I was at the McDonald’s drive-through, this morning, and a young lady, behind me, leaned on her horn, and started mouthing epethets, because I was taking too long to place my order.

So, when I got to the first window I paid for her order, along with my own. The McDonald's worker must have told her what I'd done, for as soon as I moved up, she leaned out her window, and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you"; obviously, embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window, I showed them both receipts, and took her order, as well as mine.

Now, she has to go back to the end of the queue, and start all over again!

MicHughV · 30-12-2023, 11:44

Gord, I've been wanting to ask you this question a long time.
Considering you have 48,474 posts to date.....
How many times have you been sent to sin bin by the mods ???

Asking for a friend

Montanan · 30-12-2023, 12:59

Wishing a Happy 2024 to all.

New Year's Jokes:

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up for New Year's. Middle age is when you're forced to.

What is a New Year's resolution? Something that goes in one year and out the other.

"My New Year's resolution was to drop my bad habits, but no one likes a quitter."

How did Prince celebrate the new millennium? He partied like it was 1999.

What did Che Guevara make on New Year’s Day? A New Year’s revolution.

I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.

Knock knock! Who's there? Razor. Razor who? Razor glass and toast to a happy new year.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

A man who had too much to drink decides to walk home on New Year's Eve. A policeman stopped the man and asked where he was going. "I'm on my way to a lecture," the man replied. The cop scoffed, "Who gives lectures on New Year's Eve?" The man answered: "My wife."

What do you call someone who says they know all the words to "Auld Lang Syne?"
A liar.

What do you say when bidding farewell on Dec. 31? "See you next year!"

I made a New Year's resolution to stop procrastinating, but I'm going to wait until next year to start.

Why should you stand on just your left foot during the New Year's Eve countdown? So you start the New Year on the right foot.

What’s the easiest way to keep your New Year’s resolution to read more? Watch TV with subtitles.

**GordMay** · 31-12-2023, 01:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by MicHughV

...How many times have you been sent to sin bin by the mods ??? ...

I got banned from CF for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!"
The Mods said, I'm a cereal reposter.

I also got banned, for violating the ban on wordplay.
The Mods said, it was a just pun-ishment.

I was also censured, for my writing style.
Cursive writing.

My new computer begins swearing whenever it gets too hot.
The Mods insisted, that I had to install a heat censor.

MicHughV · 31-12-2023, 07:59

Do you know about Jack Schitt ?
The only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt.
Aw Schitt, the fertilizer magnate and Oh Schitt the owner of Knee Deep in Schitt, Inc.
Jack Schitt ended up marrying No Schitt and producing six children, Holy Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, Deep Schitt and the baby, Dip Schitt, who ended marrying Dumb Schitt.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and had one son, Chicken Schitt, but later also adopted Dawg Schitt, Bird Schitt and Bull Schitt.
Bull Schitt ended up marrying a girld from Italy, Pizza Schitt.

Just an update on the Schitt family.

dfelsent · 31-12-2023, 09:05

Quote:

Originally Posted by chrisr

in the spirit of Gord ;

Q what do you call a penguin in the desert ?
A lost

Q why did the chewing gum cross the road ?
A because it was struck to the chicken

cheers,

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
It was stapled to a chicken!

dfelsent · 31-12-2023, 09:06

Dear Audrey Advice,
My son is a strapping 230 lb. star linebacker at our local university and a leader in our church youth group. We couldn't be more proud of him!
However, when I returned from grocery shopping today I found him prancing around the house in one of my dresses. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Confused in Texas

Dear Confused,

This is really a delicate situation but I have to say that you should start a diet immediately.

**GordMay** · 01-01-2024, 02:26

Advice, I gave my wife, on Christmas eve:
Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

**GordMay** · 01-01-2024, 02:27

I scored a 175, on a free on-line IQ test, with just 5 simple questions.
1. What's your favourite colour?
2. What's your mother's maiden name?
3. What's your social security number?
4. What's your credit card number?
5. What's your birth-date?

**GordMay** · 01-01-2024, 02:29

I have a ton of jokes, about retired people*.
None of them work.

* Retired atheists will now get extra money, according to a new proposal, which has been dubbed: “sus pension of disbelief”.