The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[tenchiki]

Originally Posted by GordMay

I scored a 175, on a free on-line IQ test, with just 5 simple questions.
1. What's your favourite colour?
2. What's your mother's maiden name?
3. What's your social security number?
4. What's your credit card number?
5. What's your birth-date?

Did you miss seeing the "-" (minus) in front of the 175?

[GordMay]

Q: What can you trust, more than the government?
A: The ads on Pornhub, telling me girls, within 3 miles of my location, want to hook up.

Never trust female leaders.
They’re Ms. Leading.

[GordMay]

Do you reckon that the people, who wrote the regulations, on making toilets ordinary ...
... wanted to call them "bog standards"?

[GordMay]

It's all about perspective:

[GordMay]

Q: Why is pirating addictive?
A: They say, once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!

Q: Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
A: The second hand store.

Q: What did the pirate say, a year after his 79th Birthday?
A: Argh matey.

Q: What does Captain Jack Sparrow use to cook?
A: Pyrex of the Caribbean!

[Montanan]

[GordMay]

[D&D]

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."

[GordMay]

"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.
"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."
She: "You mean 'than'."
Me: "No."



Q: What do you call a really scholarly kernel?
A: An acadamian nut.

Q: Do honest politicians exist?
A: Of course they do, but, they are the most expensive.

Sometimes I want to leave society, live in the woods, and contemplate existence.
But, I know that would be Thoreauing away my life.

[chrisr]

cheers,

[GordMay]

Never taking cooking instructions literally.

It said “chill in the fridge for an hour”.
I nearly died.

After my first attempt to make a cake, the fireman told me that, when it says to “grease the bottom of the pan”,
They meant to say, the inside, of the pan.

The instructions said to “preheat oven at 180 degrees.”
Not sure I'll try this recipe again, as turning the oven upside down, was a real back breaker.

The instructions, on my microwave meal say: "stir and recover".
How exhausting, do they think stirring pasta is?

[GordMay]

A distress call comes in, to the USCG:
"Mayday Mayday. We're 12 miles out, on a capsized boat."
"No can do" comes the reply, "We've got all we can do, searching for regular-sized boats."

Two wires were on an ocean cruise, when the ship sprung a leak, and sank. The solid core wire managed to climb into a lifeboat, and head to safety.
The other was stranded.

Survival Tip: If you ever find yourself lost, at sea...
Simply misspell the SOS signal, and some a-hole will show, up within minutes, to correct you.

[GordMay]

George Carlin Resurrected
A new comedy special [1] starts with the quote, "I'm sorry it took me so long to come out with new material, but I do have a pretty good excuse. I was dead."
The voice sounds [very little*] like comedian George Carlin, but that would be impossible, as Carlin died in 2008. The voice in the special is actually generated by an artificial intelligence (AI).
Ahead of the special, a voice calling itself "Dudesy the comedian AI" tells viewers that what they are about to hear is not Carlin, but instead, an impression. It claims the special is no different than a human impressionist, in the same vain as comedian Will Ferrell impersonating former U.S. president George W. Bush.

* It is not a very good impression.

[1] George Carlin: I'm Glad I'm Dead (2024) ➥ https://youtu.be/2kONMe7YnO8


From his infamous take on censorship, with his NSFW "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television" [which landed in the Supreme Court], to nuanced George Carlin quotes on partisan politics and consumerism, Carlin not only made audiences laugh, but he challenged them to think independently and critically.

Some actual George Carlin Quotes:

"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."

"Some people see things that are and ask, 'Why?' Some people dream of things that never were and ask, 'Why not?' Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

"Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it."

"Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward."

"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

“Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!”

[GordMay]

Apparently, the same firm rents buildings to, both, ISIS and Neo-Nazis.
You could say, they're the lessor of two evils.

[Mirage35]

Speaking of the Carlin special, etc.

They tell us that artificial intelligence is the new big thing. Maybe, but anyone who works with computers knows that artificial stupidity has been around for a long time.