The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[Lodesman]

Originally Posted by Mirage35

Speaking of the Carlin special, etc.

They tell us that artificial intelligence is the new big thing. Maybe, but anyone who works with computers knows that artificial stupidity has been around for a long time.

Don't need to work with computers to know that natural stupidity has been around even longer.

[MicHughV]

So little Johnny and little Mary are playing in the park.
After a while they get to bragging.
Johnny " our house is bigger than your house"
Mary " our car is bigger than you car"
This goes on for a while, until Johnny drops his trousers and sez " well, I have one of these, and you don't"
Realizing the truth here, Mary runs home to her mom crying.
The next day, Mary comes by Johnny's house and hoicks up her skirt and tells Johnny "well, I have one of these, and mom sez that with one of these, I can have all of those I want"

[GordMay]

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula.
He said: "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line, they weren't expecting."
So, here goes:
Walk forwards.
Turn left.
Pasteurization.

[GordMay]

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Wait, never mind, jokes have meaning.
Actually, my life used to be a joke. But, then I became a father; so, now it's a dad joke.

FWIW: I'm writing a book, about all the things, I should be doing, with my life.
It's called an oughtobiography.

[GordMay]

Today, I realized that I didn’t understand what “sunk cost fallacy” meant, all my life.
Oh well, too late to do anything about it now.

[GordMay]

Daily Affirmations]:
[of a recovering Cruisers Forumite?]

I have the power to channel my imagination, into ever-soaring levels, of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones, that are someone else’s fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

I honour my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

I am grateful, that I am not as judgmental, as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so”.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room, all day, watching TV. Instead, I will move my TV into the bedroom.

I will find humour ,in my everyday life, by looking for people, I can laugh at.

The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

To have a successful relationship, I will learn to make it look like, I’m giving as much as I’m getting.

I am willing to make the mistakes, to help others learn from them.

[GordMay]

A Letter to the Owners

To: Owners

Shipping Company Y

Dear Sirs,

It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you; regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own preconceived opinions from reports in the international press, for I am sure that they will tend to over-dramatize the affair.

We had just picked up the pilot, and the apprentice had returned from changing the 'G' flag for the 'H', and being his first trip was having difficulty in rolling the 'G' flag up. I therefore proceeded to show him how, coming to the last part I told him to 'let go'. The lad, although willing, is not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper tone.

At this moment the Chief Officer appeared from the chartroom, having been plotting the vessel's progress, and thinking that it was the anchors that were being referred to, repeated the 'let go' to the Third Officer on the forecastle. The port anchor, having been cleared away, but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the 'pipe' while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out 'by the roots'. I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that spans a tributary to the river up which we were proceeding.

The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately he did not think to stop the vehicular traffic. The result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a Volkswagen, two cyclists and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise I would say were pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel the Third Officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of practical use for it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin.

After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer I gave a double ring Full Astern on the Engine Room Telegraph, and personally rang the Engine Room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that the temperature was 83 degrees, and was asked if there was a film tonight. My reply would not add constructively to this report.

Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of my vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems. At the moment the port anchor was let go, the Second Officer was supervising the making fast of the aft tug, and was lowering the ship's towing spring down into the tug.

The sudden braking effect of the port anchor caused the tug to 'run in under' the stern of my vessel, just at the moment when the propeller was answering my double ring Full Astern. The prompt action of the Second Officer in securing the shipboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes thereby allowing the safe abandoning of that vessel.

It is strange, but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a 'cable area' at that time may suggest that we may have touched something on the river bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down by the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable, but owing to the shore blackout it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.

It never fails to amaze me, the actions and behavior of foreigners during moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance, is at this moment huddled in the corner of my day cabin, alternately crooning to himself and crying after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book of Records. The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and had to forcibly be restrained by the Steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's hospital while he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and my person.

I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers, and insurance companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the Third Officer collected after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the forecastle. These particulars will enable you to claim back the damage that they did to the railings of number one hold.

I am closing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the sound of police sirens and the flashing lights.

It is sad to think that had the apprentice realized that there is no need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.

Yours truly,

Master m.v. ………………………..

[GordMay]

First, some facts:

Alcohol is a perfect solvent.
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

I am giving up drinking alcohol, for the month of January.
Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol, for the month of January.

Alcohol is not in my Vodkabulary.
However, I looked it up on Whiskeypedia and learned
If you drink too much of it, it's likely Tequilya.

Alcohol and Calculus don't mix.
Don't drink and derive.

No matter how bad your personal situation is - alcohol is never the answer.
Alcohol is the question, and "yes" is the answer.


Then, some anecdotes:

Me: My name is Gord, and I'm an alcoholic.
AAA: This is AAA, not AA.
Me: Yeah, I was just explaining, how my car got in the lake.

Doctor: You don’t look too good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

Today, I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol!
Not consecutively, though.

I bought an alcoholic ginger beer
He wasn’t pleased!


Now, the quiz:

Q: What do Alcoholics call New Year's Eve?
A: Amateur night

Q: How do you know if someone is an alcoholic?
A: Tell them you’ve got a joke: “How do you know when it’s time to stop drinking”?
If they say “I don’t know”, then, they’re an alcoholic.


Q: What's the difference, between alcohol and weed?
A: Five drunk guys will start a fight. Five stoned guys will start a band.

Q: What's the difference between alcohol and Q’Anon?
A: Alcohol kills less brain cells.

Q: What is an alcoholics least favourite part of a baseball game?
A: The bottom of the 5th.

[Montanan]

I sat in my haircutter's chair and said: "Make me look sexy."

She started drinking.

[Montanan]

[GordMay]

Let's take a moment to appreciate the fact[s] that:
1. You can't spell advertisements, without semen between the tits.
2. There are more crashed planes, down at the bottom of the ocean, than
trashed submarines, in the sky.
3. When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their bodies; and men are so polite, that they only look at the covered parts.
4. Married men live longer than single men, but, single men put up much more of a fight, when dying.
5. If all the veins in your body, were to be laid out in a single, straight line,
you would die.
6. If you stacked exactly 216 elephants, on top of each other, they probably wouldn't like it.
7. The entire Pacific ocean would fill, at least, 6 cups of water.
8. Sign language is the least spoken language, on Earth.
9. Religious persons are not much different, from atheists.
There are ±4,000 religions in the world. A religious person believes that 3,999 religions are wrong. An atheist believes that 4,000 religions are wrong, a difference of only 0.025%.
10. If every human stood in a single file line, around the equator, most of them would drown.

When it comes to fact-checking, CF contributors are lazy. (Source: Wikipedia).

[Jim Cate]

9. Religious persons are not much different, from atheists.
There are ±4,000 religions in the world. A religious person believes that 3,999 religions are wrong. An atheist believes that 4,000 religions are wrong, a difference of only 0.025%.

In a sea of drivel, a gem appears!

Jim

[GordMay]

So, I'm at the wailing wall, standing there, like a moron, with my harpoon...

Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.

Why is it, that when you talk to God, it’s called praying ...
But, whenever God talks to me, they call it schizophrenia?

Science flies people to the moon.
Religion flies people into buildings.

[CaptTom]

That makes it two gems in a row now, Gord! Your previous #9 as already mentioned, and that last point, above.

I'm sure you could argue that these are too profound to be called jokes. Yet, in their own way they're hilarious. Then again, I do have a tendency to laugh at the insanity around me when I realize nothing I can do can change it.

[GordMay]

Speaking, of which:

One definition of insanity is: when you’re cheating at solitaire, and a fight breaks out.

I'm going to start a charity for the clinically insane.
I’m going to call it "Fundamental".

Einstein famously said that:' insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.'
But, doing the same thing over and over again, and actually getting a different result - that's called Computer Programming [or electrical troubleshooting].

Q: What’s the difference between a church, and an insane asylum?
A: A church is where you go, to talk to god. An asylum is where you go, if he replies.

Q: What do you call the trail to the insane asylum?
A: A psychopath

Q:What borders on insanity?
A: Canada and Mexico.

Q: What does the insane centrist do, when you question his beliefs?
A: He kills people, left and right.