The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[carstenb]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"
“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba

[GordMay]

People, sometimes, call me a walking dictionary.
I thought they meant I was smart, with a good vocabulary, but, apparently, I’m just thick.

It's important to develop a good vocabulary.
If I had known the difference, between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

The CruisersForum is a great place to learn English.
Not just because of the vocabulary, and fun; but also because reading the same thing, over and over again, is crucial in the learning process.

Here’s a tip:
If you can't think of the right word, say: "I forgot the English word for it."
That way, people will think you're bilingual, instead of an idiot.

[jeanathon]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Here’s a tip:
If you can't think of the right word, say: "I forgot the English word for it."
That way, people will think you're bilingual, instead of an idiot.

Actually I have had to say this exact phrase many times. You still feel like an idiot....

[Midnight Son]

Originally Posted by GordMay

People, sometimes, call me a walking dictionary.

Here’s a tip:
If you can't think of the right word, say: "I forgot the English word for it."
That way, people will think you're bilingual, instead of an idiot.

I'm going to have to use this, instead of, 'my Alzheimer's has kicked in'.

[ScottRhodes13]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Never taking cooking instructions literally.

It said “chill in the fridge for an hour”.
I nearly died.

After my first attempt to make a cake, the fireman told me that, when it says to “grease the bottom of the pan”,
They meant to say, the inside, of the pan.

The instructions said to “preheat oven at 180 degrees.”
Not sure I'll try this recipe again, as turning the oven upside down, was a real back breaker.

The instructions, on my microwave meal say: "stir and recover".
How exhausting, do they think stirring pasta is?

Yeah... I should have thought twice when the instructions said "whiz in blender".

[Montanan]

[skipperpete]

Originally Posted by Montanan

Tom Waits called it “embalmed meat”….. “ what you’re smelling is the eternal freshness of it”

[GordMay]

Q: What do you call Canned Processed Pork Shoulder, Ham, Gelatin, and Salt, laced with Ritalin?
A: Short Attention Spam.

I just got hired as CEO, of the Hormel Foods Corporation.
Suddenly, nobody answers my emails, or phone calls.

Did you hear about the cannibal, who switched to Spam?
He said, it's the greatest thing, since sliced Fred.

[GordMay]

Q: What do you call a blonde, who dyes her hair brown?
A: AI.

Q: What’s the opposite of artificial intelligence?
A: Natural stupidity.

Q: How would you figure out, whether a contributor to CF, is an AI robot, or a human?
A: Nice try, bot.

[Montanan]

CF themed posting:

[jeanathon]

Originally Posted by Montanan

CF themed posting:

I would suggest she file her nails...

[GordMay]

I need to re-home a dog.
It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.
If you're interested, let me know, and I'll jump over my neighbour's fence, and get it for you.

My rescue dog has no legs, so, I named her cigarette.
And, every night, we go out for a drag.

The best beginner pet is a puppy.
They live for 5 days, and don’t require any food, or water.

My friend didn't believe me, when I said I had 36 pets; so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.
She freaked out, when she saw how many dogs, I could fit in there.

I bought some dogs online, and just had them delivered.
It turns out, they need their liver.

I think I’ll get a pet tree.
It's just like a pet dog, but the bark is quieter.

My wife asked me: if I've seen the dog bowl.
I replied: I never knew it did.

FWIW: Don’t adopt a puppy, to see if you’re ready for kids.
Adopt a homeless guy, with diarrhea, and a bunch of stories, that don’t go anywhere.

[GordMay]

Q: What do you call a dog that floats?
A: A good buoy.

Q: What kind of dog can stay underwater, for a long time?
A: A subwoofer.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.

Q: What do you call an epileptic puppy?
A: Kibbles 'n Fits.

[Montanan]

[GordMay]

A tale of two (+) petitions:

Sell Montana to Canada for $1 Trillion to eliminate the national debt
We have too much debt and Montana is useless. Just tell them it has beavers or something.
24,353 Signatures ➥ https://www.change.org/p/christian-m...-national-debt

Keep Montana don’t sell to Canada
9 Signatures ➥ https://www.change.org/p/rae-peppers...sell-to-canada

Sell Montana and Wyoming to Canada for 23 Trillion to solve US debt
25 Signatures ➥ https://www.change.org/p/donald-j-tr...-solve-us-debt