The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[Montanan]

Honest Abe had the proper vision.

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

Q: How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
A: Three. A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

Q: What do Captain Kirk and Mister Spock do, to get their baggage up to their hotel room?
A: Tell a porter.

Q: What's the difference between Captain Kirk, a scared female pig, a loose thread, and the likelihood this joke is terrible?
A: One likes to make it so, one is an afraid sow, one is a frayed sew, and sorry, but I'm afraid so.

FWIW: Captain Kirk & the Blue Origin space shuttle launch*
If William Shatner really wanted to go “where no man had gone before”, He should have just used the associates bathroom, at the Amazon distribution center.

See:
* “Boldly Go: Reflections on a Life of Awe and Wonder” ~ by William Shatner & Josh Brandon
Excerpt ➥ https://variety.com/2022/tv/news/wil...pt-1235395113/

[Montanan]

[GordMay]

Man announces he will quit drinking by 2050

A Sydney man has set an ambitious target, to phase out his alcohol consumption, within the next 29 years, as part of an impressive plan, to improve his health.

The program will see Greg Taylor, 73, continue to drink, as normal, for the foreseeable future, before reducing consumption, in 2049, when he turns 101.

He has assured friends it will not affect his drinking plans, in the short or medium term. Taylor said it was important not to rush the switch to non-alcoholic beverages. “It’s not realistic to transition to zero alcohol overnight. This requires a steady, phased approach, where nothing changes for at least two decades,” he said, adding that he may need to make additional investments in beer consumption, in the short term, to make sure no night out is worse off.

Taylor will also be able to bring forward drinking credits, earned from the days he hasn’t drunk, over the past forty years, meaning the actual end date for consumption, may actually be 2060. To assist with the transition, Taylor has bought a second beer fridge, which he describes as the ‘capture and storage’ method.

[chriswheat]

I quit drinking a while back, worst two hours of my life!

[GordMay]

I've been known to give sage advice, from time-to-time.
Though, I do get funny looks, for talking to herbs.

Some General Advice:
Good advice, to avoid click bait.
Better luck, next time.

Last night, I told myself, I really should stop drinking.
But, I'm not going to listen to some drunk, who talks to himself.

Some Financial Advice:
If you get a loan at a Bank, you will be paying it back, for 30 years.
If you rob a bank, you will be out, in 10 years.
Follow me, for more financial advice.

With inflation at 7.5%, you lose half your money, in 9 years.
The only way to outperform that, consistently, that I have found, is crypto’. Just this year, I've already lost half my money.

Some Advice, for the Ladies:
When a guy is with you, in the shower, and he's nice enough to gently wash your back, and get you all soapy, be nice to him, and don't spoil things, by asking rude questions, like:
"Who are you?", "How did you get in here?" or "What are you doing in my shower?"

There is nothing wrong with drinking, while pregnant.
For instance, my wife drank, through all five months, of her pregnancy.

[GordMay]

A little about myself:

I have an inferiority complex,
But, it's not a very good one.

"Indecisive" is my favourite word.
Actually, no, it isn't.

My first time travelling, by air ...
Was from a mango tree, to the ground.

My father always told me, to take the road less travelled.
I always thought he was giving me life advice, but, it turns out, he was giving me drunk driving advice.

I'm going to travel to Prague.
Once there, I will enter a bank, and cover the floor with trampolines.
Then, they'll have to deal with a bunch of bouncing Czechs.

Our neighbour’s dog shat in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel, and throw it over the fence.
I don’t see what that solved. Now, we’ve got dog **** in our garden, and the neighbours have our shove

On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.
On that day, I learned you can remove one side of a pentagon, by intersecting it with a plane.

My wife said to me, the other day: “If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”
Apparently, getting stuck in traffic, doesn’t count as “anything”.

I began to carry a knife, since a robbery attempt, a few years ago.
Since them, it’s been a lot easier, to rob people.

My wife asked me: if I could have a threesome, which of her friends, would I choose?
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

I injured myself, during an Ironman marathon, the other day.
Got up too fast, after watching the third film.

I tried to share a bag of chips, with a homeless person, on the street.
He told me to f/o, and buy my own.

Yesterdsy, I called the rape advice hotline.
Apparently, it is only for victims.

I used to be afraid of hurdles.
But, I got over it.

I dug a hole in my neighbour’s backyard, and fillled it with water.
Because, I meant well.

My Doctor told me: “Don't eat anything fatty.”
Me: “What!? No pizza? No burgers?”
Doctor: “No fatty, just don't eat.”

I made a graph, of my past relationships.
It has an ex axis, and a why axis.

Today, I saved a man, from drowning in Lake Superior.
I tossed him a bar of soap, and he washed ashore.

[GordMay]

Q: What would you drive, for a family road trip, across the ocean?
A: A Honda Sea-RV.

Q: How does a Flat Earther travel the world?
A: On a plane.

Q: What do you get, if you cross a river, with tap shoes?
A: Riverdance.
Q2: What do you get if you cross a river, with crocs?
A2: Eaten.

[Bullshooter]

Speaking of Captain Kirk,

Turns out his lingerie business went bankrupt. Apparently "Shatner Panties" was not a good name for marketing purposes...

[GordMay]

I really hate getting scammed, on the internet.
I ordered a shipment of uranium-237, the other day ...
... and, by the time it arrived, a week later, the box was half-empty!

Minimalism is a scam ...
... invented by Big Small, to sell more less.

I got scammed, on eBay.
I ordered a pound of cure. The box, they sent me, only contained an ounce of prevention.

In order to help win their gang war, the ‘Bloods’, in LA, have started accepting the severed feet, of their enemies, as a form of payment.
They’re calling it: Crip Toe Currency.

[GordMay]

I think that we should, officially, change our currency to balloons.
Then, we could, much more easily, control inflation.

Vietnam’s national currency is the ‘Dong’.
I’ve heard of stuff costing an arm and a leg, but that, just seems cruel.

Every single currency, in this world, is just an illusion, a social construct,
But, Brazil's real.

[Montanan]

[GordMay]

I got a dig bick!
You that read wrong.
You read that wrong, too.
And, you read that last sentence twice, to make sure you didn’t get trolled, yet again.

[GordMay]

I switched to sensitive toothpaste, but I don't think it's working.
I'm still an a#%hole.