The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[GordMay]

A lottery ticket is a weird gift, to give someone.
It’s like: “Here. This has a 99.99% chance of being disappointing.
I saw it, and thought of you”


My wife likes to say, ‘marrying me, was like winning the lottery.’
I like to remind her, that: 'most lottery winners, blow their winnings.'

[Jon Hacking]

IMO, lotteries are a tax on folks who can't do math...

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by Jon Hacking

IMO, lotteries are a tax on folks who can't do math...

I can do the math, and have calculated that the odds of winning big are essentially the same whether or not you buy a ticket! This can lead to big savings...

Jim

[Sun and Moon]

The chances of winning Powerball in the US are 1 in 292 million, and 1 in 302 million for MegaMillions. Not so great, you say? The likelihood of a Florida resident being seriously injured during an unprovoked alligator incident in Florida is roughly one in 3.1 million, so if they buy 2 tickets a week a Florida resident is more likely to win Powerball than to be bit by an alligator. If you want to stay ahead of shark bites you'll have to spend a little more. Florida averages about 20 bites per year with a population of 22 million, meaning you'll have to buy three tickets a week to each lottery to boost your chances above the likelihood of being bitten by a shark.

https://www.nbcbayarea.com/news/nati...ega%20Millions.

https://www.palmbeachpost.com/story/.../72940865007/#

https://www.pnj.com/story/news/2024/.../74338752007/#

[motion30]

Originally Posted by Sun and Moon

The chances of winning Powerball in the US are 1 in 292 million, and 1 in 302 million for MegaMillions. Not so great, you say? The likelihood of a Florida resident being seriously injured during an unprovoked alligator incident in Florida is roughly one in 3.1 million, so if they buy 2 tickets a week a Florida resident is more likely to win Powerball than to be bit by an alligator. If you want to stay ahead of shark bites you'll have to spend a little more. Florida averages about 20 bites per year with a population of 22 million, meaning you'll have to buy three tickets a week to each lottery to boost your chances above the likelihood of being bitten by a shark.

https://www.nbcbayarea.com/news/nati...ega%20Millions.

https://www.palmbeachpost.com/story/.../72940865007/#

https://www.pnj.com/story/news/2024/.../74338752007/#

So what you're saying is I have a chance?

[jeanathon]

[mikereed100]

I went to the supermarket and bought an apple, 2 bananas and a carton of eggs.

The check-out lady said "Wow, I can see you're single".
"How did you know?" I said.
"Because you're ugly".

[GordMay]

I just a drug test, and, it came back negative.
My drug dealer has some explaining to do.

My wife got her test results back. We thought she might have Tourette’s syndrome, but, the tests were negative.
It turns out, I am a c***, and she does want me to f*** off.

[Captain Bill]

Originally Posted by motion30

So what you're saying is I have a chance?

Only if you buy a ticket

[senormechanico]

Originally Posted by jeanathon

For the young crowd who doesn't get it, here's the answer:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnFlx2Lnr9Q

[SeanPatrick]

I prefer this rendition:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PVal8Fy7CM

[GordMay]

I think it's about time I upgraded my navigation system.
I couldn't use it last night, as the sky was overcast, and the stars weren't out.

I received an email, about an online course, on Map Reading & Navigation.
They say, it's so good, you'll be able to read maps backwards.
But, I soon realized, it was just spam.

Then, I downloaded Friedrich Nietszche's voice, for my navigation system.
Now, it just tells me to find my own way.

So then, I bought a Bonnie Tyler Sat Nav.
It was a total waste of money.
All it ever does, is tell me to turn around, and every now and then, it falls apart.
Still, it’s not as bad as the U2 one, where the streets have no names, and I still haven't found, what I'm looking for.

[SeanPatrick]

^ I did like those.

[GordMay]

In solemn remembrance:

Q: What do you call a low budget terrorist attack?
A: 7/11.

Q: What's the difference, between a Pakistani school, and a terrorist camp?
A: I don't know; I'm just a drone pilot.

Q: What do you call Redneck Terrorists?
A: Y’all Qaeda

Q: Why did the terrorist blow up the winery?
A: Because it was full of Zinfandels.

[GordMay]

They say, you can't tell a funny joke, about terrorism; but, you can.
It's all in the execution.

Global warming can reduce terrorism.
Because, the ISIS melting.

Apparently, calling people terrorists, is offensive, now.
Ive been told, the correct term is government contractors.

The USA is so lucky.
Wherever they start fighting terrorism, they manage to find oil reserves.