The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[tenchiki]

Originally Posted by Eigenvector

Can anyone decipher this for me?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arecibo_message


And the Joke's on us: The message is the most horrible insult imaginable in the receiver's language, and nothing to be done except to wage all out war on the senders. Of course, they won't get here for at least 50,000 years...

[Buzzman]

...and when they do, due to a horrible miscalculation of scale, the entire attack fleet will be swallowed by a small dog.

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

[El Pinguino]

Meanwhile -

[SailRN]

A pediatrician, a lawyer, and a priest were standing together on the deck of the sinking Titanic.

"Save the children!" cried the pediatrician.

"Screw the children!" yelled the lawyer.

"Do we have time?" asked the priest.

[IslandHopper]

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

[Eigenvector]

some I got today

[Eigenvector]

and a few more

[chrisr]

He'd had too much to drink, so the publican showed him the door. 5 minutes later the drunk staggered in through another door.

Showing great restraint, the publican turfed him out again

Soon afterwards the drunk was back again !

"Get out and stay out !" shouted the by now angry publican

"Struth mate" wailed the drunk. "Do you own every bloody pub in this town ?"



cheers,

[chrisr]

The farmer was heading into town in his ute to do some business when the engine suddenly cut out...right beside a paddock where a black horse and a grey horse were grazing

Cursing the farmer lifted the bonnet to see what the trouble was

As he did, he heard a voice say "the cap has come off your distributor"

Stunned he looked around and there was the black horse staring across the fence at him

Sure enough the cap had come off the distributor ! Still shaken by this strange voice, he adjusted it and continued on into town.

Later, at the pub, he told the publican of his experience

"So you reckon one of the horses spoke to you ?" asked the publican

"That's the gospel truth" said the farmer

"Was it the black horse or the grey horse that spoke to you ?"

"Oh, definitely the black horse" said the farmer

"Struth, you were lucky mate" said the publican. "that grey horse knows bugger all about cars"




cheers,

[goguygo]

Jane, I ain't seen you out and bout for a' while.


Sorry Louise, but I've been stuck up in my bed with arthritis.


Oh, I heard about them Itis boys... and Arthur is the worst.

[GordMay]

A police officer pulls over a woman for speeding, and they have the following exchange ...

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I stole this car.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the trunk?!
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver indeed owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
It turns out the trunk is empty.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[GordMay]

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A grenade, thrown into a kitchen in France, would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.