The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[StuM]

I wonder why Gord hasn't posted this one

[OutOfControl]

Originally Posted by StuM

I wonder why Gord hasn't posted this one

Maybe it doesn't fit his narrative.
and now a Joke

It’s an unusual time we’re living in.
Safe at last.
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY anymore) and peeled the NRA sticker off my rear window.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.
Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flagpole.
Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.
I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat me down.
If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.

Hot Damn... Safe at last.

[JAFO]

Originally Posted by ChrisJHC

Another intricacy of Aussie measurements is that we use time instead of distance.

For example, how far is it from Sydney to Melbourne (by car)?
About 9 hours.

Some parts of Australia, anyway.
In other parts, such as the Northern Territory, they use more a pragmatic system of measuring distance. How much beer will be needed for the trip.

"Yeah mate, that's about a six-pack from here."

Ahhh.. good times!

[Buzzman]

True - 'beer can km' is a definite thing, but you need to be wary about relying on it as consumption levels vary with speed and traffic density.


For example, my work trip, in bumper to bumper crawling motorway traffic was a two-can trip on a good, but close to a six pack on bad days.


This was of course pre-DUI days....

These days any beer-can distance measurement is fraught with the potential for interruption by RBT.....

[JAFO]

Originally Posted by Jim Cate

Not much of a challenge, mate.

Looks like you're now an honourary Aussie for life, Jim mate!

[Jim Cate]

Originally Posted by JAFO

Looks like you're now an honourary Aussie for life, Jim mate!

Why yes, I guess that's right... they even let us pay taxes here! But for scale, we have been in Oz a good deal of the time since our first arrival in 1992, long enough that we have local driver and amateur radio licenses, health insurance, a registered automobile, library cards, favorite health practitioners and even bank accounts.

In return we get to use local slang and colloquialisms!

Jim

[Buzzman]

Bloody blow-ins! More d******d boat-people...!!!


What's the world coming to...???


[tongue very firmly in cheek]

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

A guys at a bar, when he sees on TV that a doctor has cured cancer.
The man says "wow, that's amazing! This will have so many effects on the medical and scientific fields. I wonder when they're gonna start using that drug to help those with cancer?"
His friend next to him says "man I hope never"
The first man looks at him and says "why's that?"
The friend replies saying "well that doctor is known in his area for doing things such as fighting for the unequal, giving to those that are poor, and helping the homeless around him.”
The man is confused and says "so what's that have to do with anything?"
His friend looks back at him and says
"werent you listening?

He’s a f***king socialist."

[GordMay]

Two nudist socialists are sitting on a porch.
The first one asks, "Have you read Marx?"
The second one replies, "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs."

[GordMay]

The fact that germs enter my body, without my consent, is just plain wrong.
And to be honest, it makes me sick.

Learnt an interesting fact today: If you spell "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba" which actually means ...
... Absolutely Nothing!!

Fact: Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence, often goes undetected.

Fun: Having friends gives you memory loss.
I read this in a textbook, on page 53, at 4:37 PM, on Friday May 12, 2006.

The fact that some people can’t distinguish between etymology and entomology ...
... bugs me in ways, I can’t put into words.

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

[MicHughV]

Paddy pulls up to the traffic light in his red Porsche
Next to him, two beautiful women pull up in a Mini Cooper
Paddy rolls down his window.
The beautiful woman across from Paddy rolls down hers.
Paddy leans out and asks " did you fart as well"

[GordMay]

I was in a bar getting drunk, last night, when the bartender shouted out, “Does anyone know CPR?”
I shouted back, “I do, in fact, I know the entire alphabet!”
Everyone in the bar laughed, and laughed ...

Well, all except for one guy.