The 2021 -2024 and Continuing Joke Threads

[GordMay]

I’d make a COVID-19 joke, but it would be tasteless.

Q: What should you do if you don’t understand a coronavirus joke?
A: Be patient.

Q; What are some unexpected consequences of over-the-counter efforts to treat COVID-19?
A: Dirty fish tanks.

Q: Why are Santa’s reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve?
A: They have herd immunity.

Q: What do the Trumps do for Christmas dinner?
A: They put on a super spread.

Q: Which Christmas film was 30 years ahead of its time?
A: Home Alone.

[SailRN]

If women were in charge:

[Dave_S]

AaaaA

[dfelsent]

Ahh good old Iggy Pop

https://youtu.be/GHfqBsykRp8

[Buzzman]

That one with the toilet seat chained down..... that urban myth has always pissed me off.
From my experience, it is WOMEN who tend to leave the lid up on the toilet, way more than men do.
Think about it, they are facing away from the toilet/wall, so stand up, pull up their pants and just walk away.
And, second thought, what my good ol' ma used to complain about us boys doin' - let's just call it a lack of aim - is PRECISELY why we DO leave the seat up.
So any 'aim malfunction' doesn't affect the SEAT that the women need to sit on.
My working theory is that women should be THANKING us blokes for leaving the seat up, not abusing us.
And, btw, PUT THE GODDAM LID DOWN, WILLYA...????

[tongue very firmly in cheek....]

[chrisr]

i've posted this before but seems an opportune time to do it again. see the first # 1

cheers

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... These are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In Fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine,
really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men! really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.

[VWKDF]

[QUOTE=chrisr;3491295]


I totally agree with number 1

[Buzzman]

I think I must have failed 'Manhood-1001'. I like shopping. I mean, I drive 300kms to buy salami. Becasue that's the closest store that sells the brand I eat. So I buy a six month supply and do a run twice a year.
But I don't do what women call shopping. That apparently aimless wandering from shop to shop, pulling things off racks and putting them back again. And never finding what it was they thought they were looking for...
Shopping is where you have a list. And you go to Bunnings/Home Depot/B&Q.
And you buy what is on the list.
I do this at the grocery store as well.
Means I never end up with 11 tins of pineapple chunks lurking threateningly at the back of the pantry.
Unless it's the boat's pantry, and I'm setting off for a 3 week ocean crossing...
No. Shopping is finally, after several online expeditions, finding the exact, perfect pair of shorts/trousers/shirts and buying up the entire world's available stock, preferably in only one colour. Like black. Or navy.
THAT is *shopping*.
The satisfaction level is off the charts.
And, no, I don't expect you to understand.

[skipperpete]

[skipperpete]

[SailRN]

Originally Posted by dfelsent

Ahh good old Iggy Pop

https://youtu.be/GHfqBsykRp8

What the hell is THAT! Good grief! Total waste of time, useless. YMMV.
Seriously, I hope you weren't serious, and I really wish I'd never clicked on that link.

[SailRN]

Somewhere, a long time back, I read an article which explained THE difference, and why men can sit in a room with another man and not say anything and the other man doesn't think he's angry and not talking to me.


Men, in ancient times were hunters to survive. To get close to their quarry they had to remain quiet in the group. Whereas women went in a group for safety, picking (shopping) for berries and made lots of noise to keep the animals away. These traits remain to this day.

[SailRN]

Some years ago my brother and I took our young children camping.


When we met at the campsite he had all kinds of new camping gear with him.


I said to him "You must really enjoy camping!", and he replied "No, but my wife loves shopping."

[SailRN]

One of my friends told me that someone had stolen his wife's purse and all her credit cards, and had been using the credit cards.
I asked him hadn't they caught the thief, and he said he'd never reported the theft.
When I asked him why he hadn't reported the theft, he said "Well, whomever stole the cards and is using them spends less than my wife, so I'm happy."

[sv_pelagia]

Originally Posted by SailRN

What the hell is THAT! Good grief! Total waste of time, useless. YMMV.
Seriously, I hope you weren't serious, and I really wish I'd never clicked on that link.

Iggy Pop... classic, unrivaled. Seriously.
At 70 yrs, The Passenger https://youtu.be/xdi_JJSzMGM