The Joke Thread

[Ex-Calif]

Nice selection! Very good!

[mmckee1952]

Harvard Alzheimer Test

This Alzheimer's Test was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University



Take a few moments to see whether you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4. This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down............

[mmckee1952]

Subject: Stutter
> >
> > A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
> > 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,'
> > she says.
> >
> > A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who
> > stuttered.'
> >
> > The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories
> > could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
> >
> > 'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with
> > my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a
> > running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the
> > fence into our yard!'
> >
> > 'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
> >
> > 'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty
> > raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before
> > she could say '****,' the Rottweiler ate her!
> >
> > The teacher had to leave the room.

[mmckee1952]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening
to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the
backyard barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had
enough of this!" She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her
husband says, "The dog is still barking; what have
you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard...
Let's see how THEY like it..."

[mmckee1952]

These are pretty funny.........

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone
believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[mmckee1952]

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green.................Lime
Orange..............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're a**holes!

[mmckee1952]

A husband is watching a football game on TV & he doesnt
> > like to be bothered. His wife is trying to do the laundry
> > but the washer isnt working.
> >
> > She tells her husband Honey, the washer is not working.
> >
> > He says Do I look like the Maytag Man? Call a repairman.
> >
> > After the repairman fixes the washer, the wife wants to go
> > shopping but the car wont start.
> >
> > She says Honey, the car wont start.
> >
> > He says Do I look like Mr. Goodwrench? Call a mechanic.
> >
> > She tries to call the mechanic but there is no dial tone on
> > the phone.
> >
> > She says Honey, the phone is dead.
> >
> > He says: Do I look like Ma Bell? Call a tow truck from the
> > neighbors house.
> >
> > The wife is gone for several hours & by the time she
> > returns home with the car, the football game is over.
> >
> > Her husband says Did you get the car fixed?
> >
> > The wife says Yes, but after the mechanic fixed it, I
> > realized I forgot my purse so I couldnt pay him. Instead of
> > money, he said I could either bake him a cake or have sex
> > with him.
> >
> > The husband says Did he like the cake?
> >
> > The wife says Do I look like Betty Crocker?

[mmckee1952]

Two businessmen in Texas were sitting down for a break in their
> soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only
> a few shelves set up.
>
>
> One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going
> to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
>
>
> No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
> curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft
> voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"
>
>
> One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a**-holes."
>
>
> Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well.
> Only two left."
>
>
> Seniors - don't mess with them

[Sinuous]

So for Veteran's Day, the local college sororities get together to throw a big mixer for the old vets. The retired soldiers and sailors put on their best old dress blues and greens, the sorority sisters break out their best cocktail dresses, and the fun commences.

The old vets are having a blast, telling war stories, sea stories, even the occasional true story, and the sorority ladies are loving it.

After a while as the evening wears on, one of the young women is absolutely enthralled by the tales of an old Master Chief. He's a salty old feller, full of stories, festooned with medals, service stripes up past the elbow. And being a modern girl, she decides to reward him for his noble service. So she asks him to come up to her dorm room for a patriotic hookup.

As they begin to disrobe, she asks him, eyes twinkling, "Tell me, Master Chief, when's the last time you were with a woman?"

"1955," he growls.

"Ohmigod," she says, "Let me break that dry streak."

"Very well," he grates. And to bed they go.

The old seadog is amazing. Does everything well, does it long, does it right, and does it twice. At the end, she is gasping and quivering.

"Ohmigod, Master Chief, how can you still be so good at this?" she asks, "You haven't been with a woman since 1955!"

"Great guns, girlie," he snarls, "It's only 2145 now!"

[mmckee1952]

NEW PASSWORD

A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a password.

Something he would use to log-on. Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:

P...


E...

N...

I...

S...




His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied


***PASSWORD INVALID......NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[mmckee1952]

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE



A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.



"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."



The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;



likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.



The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?



"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."



"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

[twisty]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


----------


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 180 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.


And then the fight started...


----------


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


----------



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


----------



A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....



----------




Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...


----------


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....


----------


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

[GordMay]

I have trouble sleeping ...

[mmckee1952]

The Rancher



A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but

knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided

to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the

house than the drunk.


He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and

knew a lot about ranching.



For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very

well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,



'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You

should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed

and went into town one Saturday night.



One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no
hired hand.



Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,

he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,

waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.



'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said. Trembling, he did as

she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so

slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them

neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly

watching her eyes in the fire light.



'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he

was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If

you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

[mmckee1952]

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of **** it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management

PS............. Have a good weekend.