The Joke Thread

[Jimbo485]

Simple Truths...
SIMPLE TRUTH #1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you've been screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH #2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congratulations!".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job!".
Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."

THE FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Bentley than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

AND A BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband!...

[impi]

Business in Africa ...

"Hey Sipho! I have a cow for you for just R500!"
"E yoh, Bongani! I'll take it - you can bring it to me tomorrow!"
The next day:
"Sorry Sipho, but the cow died last night."
"Hauw.. So, ok then. Just give me my money back."
"Sorry Sipho, I did already spend that money..."
"Eish! So, ok then. Just bring me the dead cow."
So, Bongani brought the dead cow to Sipho the next morning.
A few weeks later, Bongani bumped into Sipho and asked him what he did with the dead cow:
"You won't believe, Bongani! I made a raffle for the cow, and I sold 271 tickets for R5 each! I made a profit of R850! But, I didn't tell anyone the cow was dead..."
"Yoh! And the people didn't complain?"
"Eish! Only the guy who won! So.., I gave him back his R5 - and he was very heppy!"
Sipho is now in Parliament...

[PieRatPeat]

Originally Posted by Sailor g

Ba Dum Dah! Too bad we can't get sound effects!

Try this:

Welcome to Instant Rimshot

[kjames]

HOW CHILDREN PERCEIVE THEIR GRANDPARENTS ...
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8.. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck.."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

[gabilo]

Could not resist to take this photo, while walking along some back streets in Shenzhen city.

For clarification the vending machine is about 70 x 50 cm in size and the product advertised on the vending machine costs a few cents a piece.

Use your imagination, but it will probably not help much when going overboard.

[D&D]

A yachtsman is sailing along when the boom knocks him overboard. When he comes around, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red, the sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees that the trees are dark red, there's dark red grass and dark red birds. He realises his skin is starting to turn dark red too.

"Oh no" he cries "I've been marooned!"

[Coops]

I do like this.

German Coast guard trainee - YouTube

Coops.

[Dhillen]

Yeah, that is a classic. I return to it time and again over the years.

Even German friends of mine have to smile when I show it to them.

Dhillen

[Sailor g]

Originally Posted by PieRatPeat

Try this:

Welcome to Instant Rimshot

Love it! I used it already in the Bucket thread. Thanks!!

[D&D]

Political Correctness

There is an annual contest at Duke University for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was, 'Political Correctness',
and the winner wrote:
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of sh** by the clean end."

[Finistere]

Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . . Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.' Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

[Jon Hacking]

Originally Posted by Finistere

...Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

Like being able to hide your own Easter eggs!

[delmarrey]

Do you know what happens before you get Alzheimer's?

You get sometimers.

I think I'm in that stage now.

[BigJohn]

Man: Doc, I can't figure out whether my wife has Alzheimer's or AIDS.

Doc: Well, there's two ways we can do this --- One, do a whole bunch of expensive tests. Or you can figure this out easily yourself.

Man: How so doc?

Doc: Put her in a car, drive 20 miles and leave her. If she makes it back home, for God's sake don't f*** her !!!

[Finistere]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.