The Joke Thread

[kindredspirit]

Job of a lifetime

TRUE STORY: Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park where cars and coaches can park. There was also a nice bloke with a hat and ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5. This parking attendant worked there for about 25 years , then one day didn't turn up for work...

Ho hum say Bristol Zoo management- Better phone up Bristol City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant......

Err no say the Council...That car park is your responsibility...

Err no say Bristol Zoo the attendant was employed by you
wasn't he....Err NO!!!!

Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking the car park takings for Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...
__________________

[kindredspirit]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it! I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things... She was getting nervous and decided to pay close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it. She turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh ****....! Am I driving..?"
__________________

[mmckee1952]

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?

California became a state
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like it is today,
except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

[mmckee1952]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...shooting him in the genitals.


Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor. 'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'


'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter..


'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'


'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local

community band and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.

[fred]

A Cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
“I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.”
She answers:
“My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am, there’s nothing you could ask that I would find offensive.”
He replies:
“Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds:
“ Well #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says:
“Yes, I'm single and Catholic!”
The nun says:
“Pull over.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“Forgive me but I've sinned. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says:
“That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[bmiller]

Memo to Management Team:
Due to the financial crisis, we have no other alternative but to lay off Andre.

[Glenn C]

Originally Posted by Robertcateran

Yep,
I remember when my missus went shopping for blinds and I worked out the transfer of energy from the edges not fitting properly and the amount of heat, in watts, entering the room because of the only moderate reflectivity of the surface. The salesperson got very shitty when I said the advertised figures didn't stack up. I was dragged away before it ended in a full scale verbal stoush.
Don't know why people think we have poor people skills. I can talk for hours about lots of things with other engineers. Other people simply haven't taken the effort to understand out language.

Well I really have wondered about the baggage handling system whilst waiting for bags......

[Glenn C]

Originally Posted by mmckee1952

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?

California became a state
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like it is today,
except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

Brilliant!

[mmckee1952]

Subject: Fwd: Breast Exam




A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk."

I know," she said,

"I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[amytom]

Originally Posted by Glenn C

Well I really have wondered about the baggage handling system whilst waiting for bags......

Trust me, you don't want to know. You'll never check a bag again.

[mmckee1952]

To My Dear Wife,
>|
>| You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being
>| 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I
>| Value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope
>that
>| you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
>evening
>| with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
>|
>| Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.
>|
>|
>| When Bill came home late that night, he found the following letter on the
>| dining room table:
>|
>| "My Dear Husband,
>|
>| I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
>| years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that
>| you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local
>| college.
>|
>| I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the
>Hotel
>| Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis
>| coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
>|
>| As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math,
>| You will understand that we are in the same situation, although with
>| One small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into
>18..
>| Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

[bmiller]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the
job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.

[mmckee1952]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Marys.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes..
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart... just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his own ears, but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

[dufman]

A woman is driving home after work.
Along the way she picks up an elderly native lady who appeared to be hitch-hiking.
They get on their way.
Not much is said until the native lady sees a brown paper bag laying on the seat between them.
She says, 'what's in the bag?'
The driver replied, 'A bottle of wine . . . for my husband'
They drive for a good while.
Then the native lady says, 'Good trade!'

[dufman]

Two men are standing in front of the club house looking up the flag pole.
Along comes this blond and she says, 'What are you guys doing?'

'Well,' the macho one replies, 'The commodore wants to know how high the flag pole is and we are trying to figure it out.'

The blond goes over to her boat and returns in no time at all with a wrench and a tape measure.
She unscrews a bolt at the base, lets the pole down, measures the pole and says, 'There you go, . . .twenty feet!'
She leaves to return to her boat.
Mr macho says, 'Well isn't that just like a blond. You want to know the height and she gives you the length!!!'