The Joke Thread

[sailorboy1]

That was silly, what good is owning a Canadian?

[Wraith_Mac]

Originally Posted by sailorboy1

That was silly, what good is owning a Canadian?

Much may be made of a Canadian... if he be caught young enough!

Unsigned by an anonymous contributor who hijacked my errr this computer.

[frank_f]

You already do own Canadians. Harper's been selling us to the US for years.

[Therapy]

Originally Posted by frank_f

You already do own Canadians. Harper's been selling us to the US for years.

What have I bought? A nice boat I hope. Do I have to all the way up there to pick it up or will a Snowbird deliver it?

[frank_f]

Sorry, no boats. If we give up 2 canoes and a rowboat, we'll decimate our navy.

[avb3]

A real southern gentleman went to Las Vegas.

Sitting in a Cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress**and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!", gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? You're an attractive guy too,*and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to your room?"

When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, "Will there be anything else?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y'all. But where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon*real*cold, so ah still need a piece of ass for mah drink."

[SKIPPER2C]

Why we don't communicate with China so well... lost in translation




[IMG][/IMG]

[Tonyjay]

Originally Posted by SKIPPER2C

Why we don't communicate with China so well... lost in translation [/IMG]

No photos

[frank_f]

Originally Posted by Tonyjay

No photos

So I'm not the only one who got a big pack of nothing then.

[Celestialsailor]

Originally Posted by frank_f

You already do own Canadians. Harper's been selling us to the US for years.

I'm a Canuck so I can tell you the selling started with Trudeau. To me Defenbacker was the last decent PM. By the way...Know the difference between a Canadian and a Canoe?...Canoes tip!

[senormechanico]

If y'all lookin' for a piece of ass, here ya go...

[Coops]

A man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex game went wrong, leaving him with six toy horses stuck up his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as “stable”.

Coops.

[Coops]

The Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year
1978: Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice (University of Tokyo Press)

1979: The Madam as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution (Transaction Press)

1980: The Joy of Chickens (Prentice Hall)

1981: Last Chance at Love: Terminal Romances

1982: Population and Other Problems (China National Publications)

1983: The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling (MIR)

1984: The Book of Marmalade: Its Antecedents, Its History and Its Role in the World Today (Constable)

1985: Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Power: How to Increase the Other 90% of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts (Westwood Publishing Co)

1986: Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality (Brunner/Mazel)

1987: No Award

1988: Versailles: The View From Sweden University of Chicago Press)

1989: How to **** in the Woods: An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art (Ten Speed Press)

1990: Lesbian Sadomasochism Safety Manual (Lace Publications)

1991: No Award

1992: How to Avoid Huge Ships (Cornwell Maritime Press)

1993: American Bottom Archaeology (University of Illinois Press)

1994: Highlights in the History of Concrete (British Cement Association)

1995: Reusing Old Graves (Shaw & Son)

1996: Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers (Hellenic Philatelic Society)

1997: The Joy of Sex: Pocket Edition (Mitchell Beazley)

1998: Development in Dairy Cow Breeding and Management: and New Opportunities to Widen the Uses of Straw (Nuffield Farming Scholarship Trust)

1999: Weeds in a Changing World (British Crop Protection Council)

2000: High Performance Stiffened Structures (Professional Engineering Publishing)

2001: Butterworths Corporate Manslaughter Service (Butterworths)

2002: Living With Crazy Buttocks (Kaz Cooke - Penguin)

2003: The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories (Kensington Publishing)

2004: Bombproof Your Horse (J A Allen)

2005: People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It (Gary Leon Hill - Red Wheel/Weiser Books)

2006: The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification (Harry N Abrams)

2007: If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs (Simon & Schuster US)

Coops.

[Coops]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station,
when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon
with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied
the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.


'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want
to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that
rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go
faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Coops.

[Coops]

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.



The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.


The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.


'Sure will, 'replied the old-timer.


The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.


'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No'; said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up where the sun don't shine, and it won't hurt as much.

Coops.