The Joke Thread

[Coops]

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, my love: chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied. "You're having soup. I was talking to the dog."

Coops.

[Coops]

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
“I know,” the old man said. “We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.”
“Well, ” Granny snickered. “Let’s relive some old times.”
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps.
“One’s in your coffee.”


Coops.

[S/V Antares]

I suspect this was posted in the last 2 0r 3 thousand but for all of you ... once again..Just in case I am wrong.....

Hi coops,
I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller
hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out
for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the
boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,
then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline
crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole
bracket?

[Coops]

My advice. Replace the hole thing.

Coops.

[dohenyboy]

In a large provincial town in Dominican Republic, the new policeman was called into the chief's office. Fearing the worst, the recruit polished his shoes extra well.
"Good morning Santiago" said the chief. "Are you happy with being with the force?"
"Yes" replied the recruit nervously.
"I have noticed that you have been with us for 2 months and you have not picked up your paycheck" said the Chief.
"Paycheck! Paycheck? What paycheck? You gave me a gun and a badge and i figured the rest was up to me."

[Weatherhelm]

Good one

Originally Posted by S/V Antares

I suspect this was posted in the last 2 0r 3 thousand but for all of you ... once again..Just in case I am wrong.....

Hi coops,
I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller
hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out
for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the
boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,
then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline
crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole
bracket?

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by Coops

My advice. Replace the hole thing.

Coops.

I think he should smear a little sap on the crack and fair it in.

[Adelie]

Originally Posted by delmarrey

I think he should smear a little sap on the crack and fair it in.

Which one, there are so many on this forum?

[Paul Elliott]

Why Men Should Not Write Advice Columns:

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me. The other day I left for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car slowed to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make-up. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to convince me that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make-up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He lost his job six months ago and says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila Lusk

*******

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of problems with the engine. Start by making sure there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the clips holding the vacuum hoses onto the intake manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

[Coops]

Always funny, man boobs.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DONpW9yqBF...an+boobs+1.jpg

Volume two.

http://cdn0.lostateminor.com/wp-cont...an-boobs-2.jpg

Coops.

[avb3]

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on.”

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy dealing with the two blokes in the Fiat Uno".

[goboatingnow]

One wonders what they would have done with a fiat cinquecento


Dave

[senormechanico]

Or a Chrysler 300

[ontherocks83]

If the dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door who do you let in first.....

The dog he'll shut up once you let him in

[ontherocks83]

Why do men usually die before their wives?...

Because they want to.