The Joke Thread

[D&D]

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day.Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
Timothy Jones


When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.They said 'Let us pray.'
We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
Desmond Tutu


America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman


I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
Howard Hughes


After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Italian proverb


Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
Betsy Salkind


The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Jean Kerr


I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage
Zsa Zsa Gabor


You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
Jeff Foxworthy


When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips


Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
Harrison Ford


The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan


Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
Robin Hall


Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
Jean Rostand


Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger


We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
WH Auden


In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
Jonathan Katz


If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson


I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.
Arthur C Clarke


Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Steve Martin


Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
Jimmy Durante


As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
John Glenn


If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
Steven Wright


America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
Doug Hamwell


The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
George Roberts


If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
Jonathan Winters


I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Robert Benchley

[Coops]

There is one thing Ive learnt after years and years of dealing with all types of people..
Humans are deuterostomes,
this means that when they develop in the womb the anus forms before any other opening.

Which basically means at one point everyone was nothing but an *******... (but some people never develop beyond this stage.)
__________________

Coops.

[Coops]

Sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this newfacility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its,excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Coops.

[Coops]

Some New Words
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an *******.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future
6. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
7. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Glibido : All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


Coops.

[Coops]

A lady goes to the doctors with her face all black and blue. Her doctor asks what happened and she said that every time her husband comes home drunk he belts her around the face. The doctor says that he has a cure for this and he tells the lady that next time her husband comes home drunk she is to fill her mouth with water and swish it around until he goes to bed. So next time, she tries this and goes back to the doctor with no bruising on her face. She says that his treatment worked but wanted to know how it did it. The doctor told her that the water did nothing at all but it was due to the fact that she kept her mouth shut.

Coops.

[Coops]

So I went to the zoo,maybe looking at the animals could help… walking through the first animal I saw was a lion in the zoo sitting there licking it's hole. A sign declared it was a vicious animal and to keep back.
I said, "He doesn't look very vicious to me." "Well he is." Says the zoo keeper, "he just grabbed an Australian, pulled him through the fence and ate him all up." "Is that right?" I says, "he seems pretty casual, why is he licking his arse?"
The zoo keeper replies, "He's trying to get the horrible taste out of his mouth."

Coops.

[Coops]

Today's word is................. Fluctuations
I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"


Coops.

[Coops]

John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy.

John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says: "Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...."

John inscribes the words in his heart.

At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say. 'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? " "I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...."

The widow screams and faints.
"What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says: "You are standing on my oxygen hose, you git.

Coops.

[Coops]

A woman customer in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soft drinks in their respective aisles.

All this time, however, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Edward, we won't be long, easy, boy."

There’s another noisy outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Edward, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Just hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is screaming and throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice says: "Edward, Edward, just relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Edward."

Very impressed, the woman walks outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the still screaming little boy into a car.

She goes over to Gramps and says: "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were just amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and, no matter how loud and disruptive this boy got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Edward is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," replies Gramps, "I'm Edward. The little bastard's name is Steve."

Coops.

[Coops]

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears..

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy, passionate love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

Coops.

[Coops]

Mary walks into the church to see her priest, Father O'Malley.

Mary: "Father, me husband Seamus passed away last night"

Priest: "Oh Mary, I'm very sorry to hear that. Did he have any last words?"

Mary: "Why yes Father, he did. He said 'Mary, put down the gun...' "


Coops.

[WrenchBender]

Originally Posted by Coops

.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Coops.

I see you've met my wife

[Coops]

Those two lines alone make that joke worth reading.

Coops.

[neelie]

On behalf of CBC, may I firstly thank you for your application
submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show. Also the
charming photograph you enclosed of your wife.

Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the
program if selected, I would point out that there appears to be some
misunderstanding of the programs content and the correct title of the
series is actually, "Fact Hunt".

Kind regards,
Director of Programs
CBC.

[Coops]

Coops.