The Joke Thread

[delmarrey]

Well it finally happened. I've typed so many posts that my cursor over heated. See it here

[captain58sailin]

Wow, that is too cool!

[Coops]

Yes it is. I put that on another forum and got this link sent to me.

Rain Cloud Cursor

Take your pick.

Coops.

[Coops]

He said . . . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don’t you?
He said . . ….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . …..Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . ….. Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you’re never there.
He said . ….. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don’t have time
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don’t know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said …… . . They already have boyfriends.
He said…What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
She said . . . A widow.
He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Coops.

[Coops]

Trust Your Husband :

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. A man and a woman.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us,
so l let them stay in our bedroom.

Did you say ‘hello’?”

Coops.

[T1 Terry]

Two blokes are having a drink in a pub.


One says:

"Did you know that Lions have sex up to 12 times a night?"


"That'd be right", says his friend, " and I just joined Rotary"

T1 Terry

[Emerald Sea]

A driller had a face lift for his birthday. He spent $5,000 and felt really great about the result. On his way home he stopped at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving he asked the salesman, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the driller replied, feeling really happy.
After that he went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the girl behind the counter the same question, to which the reply was, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47!" This made him feel really good.
At the bus stop he asked an old lady the same question. She replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I would be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the driller thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady said, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the driller said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replied, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

[Coops]

Ordering an ice cream in Turkey.

Ordering ice cream in Turkey. [VIDEO]

Coops.

[T1 Terry]

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

T1 Terry

[T1 Terry]

I asked the boss: "Where do you want this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?"He replied: "Just pop it in the corner.". . . . . . . . . Four bloody hours and I'm only half way through....

T1 Terry

[D&D]

CONTEMPORARY PHILOSOPHERS



As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ John Glenn

*****

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

~ Desmond Tutu

*****

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

~ David Letterman

*****

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.

~ Howard Hughes

*****

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

~ Italian proverb

*****

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

~ Betsy Salkind

*****

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Jean Kerr

*****

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

*****

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Prince Philip

*****

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

~ Emo Philips.

*****

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Harrison Ford

*****

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

~ Spike Milligan

*****

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

~ Robin Hall

*****

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

~ Jean Rostand.

*****

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I was just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

*****

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Johnny Carson

*****

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Steve Martin

*****

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ Jimmy Durante

*****

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

~ Doug Hamwell

[El Pinguino]

SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.



Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own ****ing blanket.'


After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

[Don1500]

For those of you that remember "The streets of Lorado" by the Smothers Brothers, and have been to Daytona Bike Week (or Sturgis, or Yuma, or Laughlin, or any other bike week.):

As I walked out in the streets of Daytona,
As I walked out in Daytona one day.
I spied a young biker all dressed in black leather,
dressed in black leather in the heat of the day.
"I can see by your outfit that you are a biker."
"I can see by your outfit that you're a biker, too."
We can see by our outfits that we are both bikers.
If you get an outfit you can be a biker, too.

[D.D.]

A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, 'If the preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!' More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the stays, .... I will give him sex!'
There is total silence. The preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?' Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,......'Screw him!'

Isn't being a Senior Citizen wonderful?

[D.D.]

Penis Study

The American government funded a study to see why the head of a man's
Penis was wider than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they
concluded that the reason that the head was wider than the shaft was
to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the U.S. published the study, the French decided to do their
own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that
the reason the head was wider than the shaft was to give the woman
more pleasure during sex.

Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of beer, they
concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting
himself in the forehead.