The Joke Thread

[Coops]

Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?


Coops.

[Coops]

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. They warned her, though, to not eat any of the green persimmons 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....
'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'

Coops.

[Coops]

A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K."
He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell.

Coops.

[Coops]

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Coops.

[Coops]

A blonde took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow....
"Ooh!" Said the presenter, "this is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks." She replied

Coops.

[Coops]

Enough for now.

Coops.

[GILow]

Originally Posted by Coops

Enough for now.

Coops.

That'll do pig... that'll do.

[captain58sailin]

Thanks for the uplift.

[BigJohn]

damn i needed that ...

[Finistere]

Ole Olson is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, and is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and his two sons.
"So", he says to them, "My oldest son Swen, I want you to take the Minnetonka houses; daughter Lena, take the apartments over in Edina; son Rasmus, I want you to take the offices over on Hennepin; and Gunhild, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Ole slips away, she says, "Mrs. Olson, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property."

Gunhild replies, "Property?...The idiot had a paper route!"

[Weatherhelm]

A tourist in Australia was driving through the Australian Outback when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.

A few kilometers further down the road he came upon a small town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.

He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one legged guy sitting in the corner masturbating without a care in the world.

The tourist turned to the bartender and said, "What sort of country is this? A few kilometers down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo and now that guy in the corner is masturbating in public."

The bartender said, "You heartless bastard, he's only got one leg, how do you expect him to catch a kangaroo?"

[EveningBreeze]

On a state visit to see the Queen, George W. Bush and she go for a horse-drawn carriage ride through London. One of the horses has a bad gas attack. Both W. and the Queen try to ignore it, but it's so bad that the Queen is moved to finally break the silence. She turns to him and says

"I'm sorry, Mr. President. I hope you'll understand that there are some things over which even a queen has no control."

W. raises his hand to reassure her and replies "Not to worry, your Highness. You know, if you hadn't said anything, I'd have thought it was the horses."

[EveningBreeze]

Joe awakens to find a gorilla perched in the tree outside his home. He looks in the yellow pages under "gorillas" and sees a "Gorilla Chaser" listed. He calls, and they tell him they'll send a man right over. Ten minutes later, a van pulls up that says "Gorilla Chaser" on its side. The gorilla chaser comes to the door with a vicious pit bull, a ladder, and a shotgun. He tells John

"I'm going to climb up the ladder into the tree and knock the gorilla to the ground. As soon as he hits the ground, my dog is trained to bite his scrotum and drag him off to the truck."

Joe replies "Sounds like a plan, but what's the shotgun for?"

The Gorilla Chaser replies "Now that's where you come in. If, for some reason, the gorilla knocks me out of the tree, you shoot that damned dog!"

[Coops]

The dangers of spell checkers!
------------------------------------------
CANDIDATE FOR
A PULLET SURPRISE

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when eye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.

Jerrold H. Zar.


Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques for my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it to say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
It's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
Eye am shore your pleased two no
It's letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

Margo Roark.

Coops.

[lookoutnw]

That hurt my head reading that...