The Joke Thread

[sparrowhawk1]

Originally Posted by Sailor g

I didn't get it until I read your post replying to the original-3 times!

I still don't get it.

[Seaworthy Lass]

Originally Posted by sparrowhawk1

I still don't get it.

Originally Posted by Coops

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

...

[sparrowhawk1]

Umm I was joking. It was totally obvious to me. Not.

[Coops]

Aussies lead the world. Again.
Copper Wire & Communication

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
...
Not to be outdone by the British, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times said: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Australia 's Northern Territory Times reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek , Northern Territory , Knackers Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all.
Knackers has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

... Makes ya feel bloody proud to be Australian

Coops.

[Coops]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year...
that these windows would pay for themselves in a year.

Hellooooo?

It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot.

Coops.

[Glenn C]

Originally Posted by Coops

Aussies lead the world. Again.
Copper Wire & Communication

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
...
Not to be outdone by the British, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times said: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Australia 's Northern Territory Times reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek , Northern Territory , Knackers Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all.
Knackers has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

... Makes ya feel bloody proud to be Australian

Coops.

ah, that Knackers Johnson...he is a legend !

[D&D]

Originally Posted by Glenn C

ah, that Knackers Johnson...he is a legend !

typical Aussies...always taking themselves so b----y seriously...

[lostsheep]

Life of a Cowboy











An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut
And he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his





Cheeks are wrinkled from age.


The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells





The old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.


When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the





Cleanest shave he's had in years.


But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had





Swallowed that little ball.


The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days





Like everyone else does".

[lostsheep]

Baxter Black, cowboy poet.. Vegetarians Nightmare


A Vegetarian's Nightmare or A Dissertation on Plants Rights - YouTube

[Coops]

AC/DC's thunderstruck. On Cello.

An incredible performance of AC/DC's "Thunderstruck" on cellos. [VIDEO]

Coops.

[CharlzO]

Originally Posted by Coops

AC/DC's thunderstruck. On Cello.

An incredible performance of AC/DC's "Thunderstruck" on cellos. [VIDEO]

Coops.

That successfully wasted the last two hours of mine lol. Cool stuff.

[D&D]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."


The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Finistere]

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a
very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to
take all of his clothes off.



When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the
table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and
climbs on top and has her way with him.



Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks
what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies
have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he
will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to
locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and
quicker.



The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window
to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.



Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?
The nurse responds, "They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you
have Blue Cross, and they have Obamacare."

[Finistere]

Yesterday I was at Kroger buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Kroger won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.

[Finistere]

Worth your time to watch this.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Il-M6B_-a_U