The Joke Thread

[BlueSovereign]

From BWJokes.com:

I was checking cruise lines because I heard the rates are
very cheap right now.

I found a Somali cruise package that departs from Sawakin
(in the Sudan) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania).

The cost is a bit high @ $800 per person double occupancy
but I didn't find that offensive. What I found encouraging and
enlightened is that the cruise is encouraging people to bring
their 'High powered weapons' along on the cruise. If you
don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the
boat.

They claim to have a master blacksmith on board and will have
reloading parties every afternoon. The cruise lasts from 4-8
days and nights and costs a maximum of $3200 per person
double occupancy (4 days). All the boat does is sail up and
down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates.
Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the
package.

$800.00 US/per day double occupancy (4 day max billing)

M-16 full auto rental $25.00/day ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56
armor piercing ammo at $15.95

Ak-47 riffle @ No charge. ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com
block ball ammo at $14.95

Barrett M-107 .50 cal sniper riffle rental $55.00/day ammo at
25 rounds 50 cal armor piercing at $9.95 ea.

Crew members can double as spotters for $30.00 per hour
(spotting scope included).

Jesus Christ---- they even offer RPG's at 75 bucks and 200
dollars for 3 standard loads

"Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision equipment
and coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am."

Meals are not included but seem reasonable.

Most cruises offer a mini-bar... these gung ho entrepreneurs
offer....... .. get this....."MOUNTED MINIGUN AVAILABLE @
$450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire"

Sign my ass up!

They advertise group rates and corporate discounts... ... and
even claim "FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY". They even
offer a partial money back if not satisfied... .here's some text
from the ad.

"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking
attempts by pirates or we will refund half your money back
including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini
gun charges not included).. How can we guarantee you will
experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles
of the coast of Somalia. If an attempted Hijacking does not
occur, we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots.
We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day
along the entire length of Somalia. At night the boat is fully lit
and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco
music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is
limited so respond quickly. Reserve your package before
May 29 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber
of your choice."

As if all that isn't enough to whet your appetite, there were a few
testimonials

"I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'LL never hunt big
game in Africa again. I felt like the Komandant in Schindlers list!"
Lars, Hamburg Germany

"Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected. I bagged three
pirates and my 12yr old son sank two rowboats with the minigun.
PIRATES 0 -PASSENGERS- 32! Well worth the trip. Just make
sure your spotter speaks English"
Ned, Salt Lake city, Utah USA

[mmckee1952]

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion' s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
>A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, ' Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life. '
>The biker replies, ' Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right. '
>The reporter says, ' Well, I ' m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow ' s paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have? '
>The biker replies, ' I ' m a U.S. Marine and a Republican. '
>The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:
>U.S.MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

[Soundbounder]

Originally Posted by mmckee1952

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion' s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
>A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, ' Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life. '
>The biker replies, ' Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right. '
>The reporter says, ' Well, I ' m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow ' s paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have? '
>The biker replies, ' I ' m a U.S. Marine and a Republican. '
>The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:
>U.S.MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

Was it not the NY Times that broke the Whitewater story?

[mmckee1952]

An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts:

"Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have **** in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!"

The Amish man shouts back in English:

"Use two hands, you'll get more!"

[mmckee1952]

THE SOUTH . . . YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!!

TENNESSEE . . .

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said: "You graduated from the University of Tennessee , and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied: "Everything but my earrings."



ALABAMA . . .

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point b uck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there, and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"



TEXAS . . .

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked: "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"

"Yep", he replied; "that's why I'm dumpin it here . . . i t says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."



LOUISIANA . . .

A senior at LSU was overheard saying . . . "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.



MISSISSIPPI . . .

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy: "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied: "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered: "I couldn't tell, but I got his license number."



GEORGIA . . .

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked: "Got any I.D.?"

The driver replied: "Bout whut?"



NORTH CAROLINA . . .

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied: "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked: "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded: "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither."



AND THIS FROM SOUTH CAROLINA . . .

'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North'

[mmckee1952]

Buttercups and
> Golf balls...
> > Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into
> the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow
> buttercups. Trying to get his
> ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every
> buttercup in the
> patch..
> > All of a sudden . . .. POOF!!
> > In a flash and puff of
> smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said,
> "I'm Mother
> Nature!"
> > > > > > > > "Do you know
> how long it took me to make those
> buttercups?"
> "Just for
> doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for
> your popcorn for the
> rest of your life; better still, you won't have
> any butter for your toast
> for the rest of your life .. As a matter of fact,
> you'll never have any butter
> for anything the rest of your life!!!"
> > Then POOF! . . . she was
> gone!
> > After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his
> friend,
> "Fred, where are you?"
> > Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy
> > willows."
> > > Tom shouts
> back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF
> GOD, DON'T
> SWING!!!'

[GordMay]

Sign at Ocean Cabin Restaurant & Bar on Little Farmer’s Cay, Exuma, Bahamas:

Our Hours

MOST DAYS ABOUT 9 OR 10
OCCASIONALLY AS EARLY AS 7 BUT SOME DAYS AS LATE AS 12 OR 1
WE CLOSE ABOUT 5 OR 6
OR MAYBE ABOUT 4 OR 5
SOME DAYS OR AFTERNOONS
WE AREN'T HERE AT ALL
AND LATELY WE'VE BEEN HERE ABOUT ALL THE TIME,
EXCEPT WHEN WE'RE
SOMEPLACE ELSE.......
BUT WE MIGHT BE HERE THEN, TOO

***

The Road Sign is from Elbow Cay, Euma.

[mmckee1952]

Some times you just have to ask yourself "Will I live to be 80?"

I recently chose a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well"
for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked,"Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat ribeye steaks and barbequed ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing on the beach?"
"No, I don't" I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
Then he looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a ****?"

[mmckee1952]

Refresher Course for those that know everything





<cid:52387AE615654BEA8ED9481C9CABFDAB@JohnPC>
<cid:1850C15F41164464B5DE3E96429378C5@JohnPC>


<cid:A1AC4D59E7AD43408A762D794D07FD72@JohnPC>

********************************* ********************************************
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for
<cid:EBC56D9EED1043BD86C38651AA0C9575@JohnPC>
Blood plasma.
********************************* ******************************************
No piece of paper can be folded in half
<cidA663EC78F474ABE95238DAF721523D8@JohnPC>
More than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead....I'll wait...
************************************************** **************************
Donkeys kill more people annually
<cid:72F3DBE6D3094C1D8F274321BF0612B6@JohnPC>
Than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass)
************************************************** **********************
You burn more calories sleeping
<cid:008A8EDCB64A41CDA23E9D0AB595D09B@JohnPC>
Than you do watching television.
************************************************** ************************
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
************************************************** **************************
The first product to have a bar code
<cid:0CBAD4D949F74E3FB172CDE82E13F789@JohnPC>
Was Wrigley's gum.
************************************************** ***********************
The King of Hearts is the only king
<cid:2ECA29FEE6D34C4789E1B968D6F1AC22@JohnPC>
WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
************************************************** *************************
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive
<cid:2C9EC65D423A4032A6EB4641109080E2@JohnPC>
From each salad served in first-class.
************************************************** ************************
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
<cid:17422FE129514F7DBA763312654EE83A@JohnPC>
(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you ?)
(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

************************************************** *******************
Apples, not caffeine,
<cid:00D47D9F01514E84B115E24880CE8E05@JohnPC>
Are more efficient at waking you up in the morning ..
************************************ ***********************************
Most dust particles in your house are made from
<cid:29ECB89396C54F8182760A9D0FBEF3BE@JohnPC>
DEAD SKIN !
************************************************** ********************** ****
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
<cid:48892EB552E84BC8820514413FA3346F@JohnPC>
So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.
************************************************** *************************
Walt Disney was afraid
<cid:49A5C0E08CAD4488A8A5BCFA76B2A344@JohnPC>
OF MICE!
************************************************** ************************
PEARLS DISSOLVE
<cid:FEF3D7B443E443AEAF96946DB62CF85E@JohnPC>
IN VINEGAR !
************************************************** *******************
The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
************************************************** ********************
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...
<cid:4B66CB6C588B4EF0879932C020D76B79@JohnPC>
But, not downstairs.

************************************************** **********************
A duck's quack doesn't echo,
<cid:CE2186ADFEBB4CD3BCCB379A99956E7F@JohnPC>
And no one knows why.
************************************************** **********************
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
<cid:2E46C57B33A945C4B33885A093A0A330@JohnPC>
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)
************************************************** *

And the best for last....
<cid:7079E37D31004B37859404034C460F78@JohnPC>
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU ?)

So.......................

<cid:5455E745DEB0440F94BF7F2D7A24CE69@JohnPC>



Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on...and go move your toothbrush!!!

[Glenn C]

********************************* ******************************************
No piece of paper can be folded in half
<cidA663EC78F474ABE95238DAF721523D8@JohnPC>
More than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead....I'll wait...
************************************************** **************************

The Mythbusters nailed this one. They got about 10 0r 11 folds, I can't remember.........of course the sheet of paper was huge, and the last few folds were assisted with a heavy roller and forklift truck !!!!

[GordMay]

I don't think that Jim knows everything yet:
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for

How to Fold Paper in Half Twelve Times - An “Impossible Challenge" solved and explained.
Folding Paper in Half Twelve Times
or
Folding -- from Wolfram MathWorld

[TaoJones]

Originally Posted by GordMay

I don't think that Jim knows everything yet:
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for

Right you are, Gord. Jim doesn't know everything, including how to spell "everything." (Second line on his page.)

TaoJones

[delmarrey]

Originally Posted by mmckee1952

AND THIS FROM SOUTH CAROLINA . . .

'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North'

Obviously, you've never been to Seattle?

[delmarrey]

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me: TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me: RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me: TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me: LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me: MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me: FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me: IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me: CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me: WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me: HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me: ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me: ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me: HUMOUR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me: GENETICS.
"I swear to God you're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn ?"

24. My mother taught me: WISDOM .
" When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

[LakeSuperior]

A friend once mentioned that only 5% of women make it to heaven. I asked why only 5%? He said that any more than 5% and it would be hell.