The Joke Thread

[frank_f]

Well, she said she wanted the house to be close to the water.

[Canibul]

Originally Posted by Captivy

Add electricity and a water hookup, they should be good to go. The garage is a little tricky though.

Is that how Falling Waters was built?

[Coops]

Bought a racehorse in the UK today.
I've decided to call it "My Face"
I don't care if he doesn't win a race or makes me any money.
I just want to hear thousands of those posh tarts at Ascot shouting
"Come on My Face!"

Coops.

[Coops]

Did you hear on the news about Malcolm the psychic midget who escaped from prison??

He's a small medium at large.

Coops.

[Coops]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson
and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says,
'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good,let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.

But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand an ma willie in your right hand'.

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful.

But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'

'I know Sean.. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun'.

Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks

'Sean, tel me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand

and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'

Sean replies, 'No, not at all Shilla,
but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch shtole ma wallet !'

Coops.

[Coops]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request
to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years
and clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's
wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those
loving pet names' The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the
truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped out of my mind about 10 years ago and I'm
scared to death to ask her what it is!'

Coops.

[Coops]

A blonde was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and one Samsung but no Sieman was found.

Coops.

[Coops]

An Aussie was in Ireland. On his way to Belfast he stopped at a bar and asked one of the locals, "what is the quickest way to Belfast"?

The Irishman asked "are you walking or driving"?

The Aussie replied, "I'm driving".

The Irishman said, "Aye, that'd be the quickest way"

Coops.

[Coops]

THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN (WHITE SETTLER)
- RECENTLY MOVED TO THE SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS

DEC 20TH It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 26th It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.

JAN 1st Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars £500. Fell on my **** in the driveway. £100 to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing - £2000. Had another 8 inches of white ****e last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush. That ******* snowplough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel.

JAN 9th More ****ing snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd Degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a ****ing deer on the way to casualty and was written off.

JAN 13th ****ing ******* white ****e just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little ***** next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little *****s **** it'll take a good surgeon 6 hours to find it. If I ever catch that ****pig that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the ******* hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael '****ing' Schumacher and buries the ****ing driveway again.

JAN 17th 16 more sodding inches of ****ing snow and ****ing ice and ****ing sleet and god knows what other white ****e fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice - pick.
Can't move my ****ing toes or my ****ing fingers. Haven't seen the sun for 5 ******* weeks. Minus 20 and more ****ing snow forecast

******** I'M MOVING BACK TO RUSTINGTON! *********

Coops.

[Coops]

Official Announcement:

The UK government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Flag to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of *****s, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Coops.

[Coops]

an elephant walking through the jungle came across a man having a shower they both stopped in surprise.The elephant with a puzzled look on its face slowly looked the naked man up and down and then said.








How do you feed yourself with that.

Coops.

[Coops]

DRING – DRING ... DRING – DRING … DRING – DRING



**'Hello?'**


**'Hi Darling.**
**'This is Daddy.**
**'Is Mummy near the ’phone?'**


**'No, Daddy.**
**'She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**


After a brief pause, Daddy says,



**'But Darling, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**


**'Oh yes I do; and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now.'**


Brief Pause . . .


**'Oh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**'Put down the phone on the table, run upstairs,**
**knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**



**'Okay, Daddy. Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the ’phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy!'**



**'And what happened, Darling?' **

**'Well, Mummy got all flustered, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**'Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser…**

**'Her nose is bleeding and her eyes are open staring
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**


**'Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?'**


**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..**
**'He looked real scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.**
**'But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it..'**

**'He hit the bottom of the pool and there's all blood coming from his mouth and ears and I think he's dead.'**




*****Long Pause*****






*****Longer Pause*****





*****Even Longer Pause*****





**Then Daddy says,**



**'Swimming pool . . . ?**



**'Is this 01786 561895?'*





**No, I think you have the wrong number . . . !**

Coops.

[Coops]

This is just so weird.

Poodle Exercise with Humans - YouTube

Coops.

[D&D]

...and now, here's one for the truly twisted...

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no...get away from me...you're a sicko!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered,

"Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

[captain58sailin]

Where do you find this stuff Coops?